edmark

wow...................... I wrote a whole long blog, then lost it......................................... it got erased. Fuck. I had a good line or two in there, in between bitching about my failing relationship and this rot-gut canned chili with processed meat-product I've been forcing down. "Whiney, complacent, self-righteous relationship victim" I was calling myself. Yup, and you guys missed it............ It was excuse-ridden, but attempted to reconcile by acknowledging the inherent weakness in what boils down to a case of inaction. Then I was talking about euthanizing a three and a half year old child... some existential hyperbole to personify the crux of my dilemma. In other words, finally ending our three and a half year relationship would feel about as great as dropping your child off at the train station and saying, "it's okay sweetie, mommy's just abandoning you, byeeeee."

If you're confused, if you feel like you've walked into the midst of something really complicated and nobody caught you up to speed in time, it's okay you have. The story originally flowed quite nicely, before I deleted my blog. accidentally.. fuck! there was the part where I screamed at my boyfriend tonight that he doesn't support me, and the part before that where he complained about how nobody was ever there for him. Ugh... it really irks me. It's like a 5th grade world owes me mentality. In that nasal tone "I didn't get mine yet!!!! Teacher!!!!!!!" Stop being a whiney bitch, you whiney bitch! I told him "how can you expect to get support when you don't give it?"

I was listening to Alanis tonight. Her "Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie" album, which is good, but a little chatty. She tends to include inane details, amongst the pearls... nevermind. So there was this line that really grabbed me. It hadn't before, at 14, and I bought the album when it came out in 1998. But this was the first time it really resonated with me. I realized that I'm finally there. She was 23 when this album was released, my exact age... now I'm feeling old...... this was it:

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

and I was like, Oh my god............... Alanis, you said it. You fucking said it. Just reading over the lyrics to that album, it's like she could have penned my own memoirs. I guess experiences are common sometimes, still when it's finally happening to you it feels like you were the first ever martyr of love. I'm the Jesus who weathered relationship hell for the fucking world....................... look at my pain dripping down my face................... okay, I'm being facetious now. I'm making fun, but of course, I'm only drawing upon my own experiences.

I'd really like some comfort right now. Not necessarily emotional, that too, but physical, moreso. I've been living like a rat, eating bad food, totally uncomfortable and unhappy in this hole in suburban Fremont. It's had a dulling effect on my quality of life.............. I don't make the time for myself, for healthy living like I'd like to. I had this vision of myself at 24, it was an arbitrary age, but for some reason this was my preconception of life at 24, well, not what I described, it was more like me in this kind of nice 2nd or 3rd story apartment in downtown SF or NYC or who knows where. It was a nice place, decorated, mature, quality. I had books, I had a lot of the stuff I want to get, a counter lined with a variety of loose leaf teas (I love tea), yoga mat, potted plants, a bedroom set with the accouterments, massage oil, candles, pillows, dvds, stuff............ I saw myself wearing something fashionable. Leather bag, etc........... I must have imagined this like 6 or more years ago as an 18 year old who fantasizes about the glamorous twenties...