Arggh! I was going to post this blog on Myspace but I know too many people who read that blog that I don't really need to see this.
Fucking men. I mean, I love men.....sometimes.
I feel there is a general lack of support. I've bitched about my boyfriend to everybody and all over every online network it seems, that I feel embarrassed to get into it here too, and maybe I should. I know I'm displaying a lot of weakness by not leaving him, and not that I'm totally unhappy. But somewhere something is saying, "this has dragged on a long time. You're well beyond the point where a break up was imminent, due, and you chose to ignore that." There was a decision made. That was to not put up the fight, I guess. That, I feel, is very sad. To be too ambivalent to be able to make the decision that is right, and hard, and to accept that this decision is larger than it is being treated. I've always said that if I couldn't allow this person to parent any children of mine, then I need to get out now! And it has definitely come to the point where over time, the pattern is clear, the person established is unfit by my esteem to parent any children of mine.
I have no idea what I'm waiting for, but I'm not strong enough to take it on yet.
Apart from the rant above, I'm just getting so much grief from men in my life now... So much pulling rank. So much "I'm dissappointed in you" well FUCK YOU THEN! I don't give a shit. So much jerking me around because I have an attitude and they want to put me in my place. And never any sympathy or understanding when I outright say, "look, I'm really upset right now and I can't be having this conversation with you so can we respectfully postpone you telling me I'm a piece of shit?" Thanks.
I can't have male friends, according to my boyfriend. He doesn't see the hypocrisy in him going out to dinner with his female co-workers just for kicks after work when he's sooooo not okay with me even visiting some old (male) friends for coffee. We're not going to boink each other. Omutherfuckingkay!?
Or my dad "I just want to see some proof that you're taking responsibility for .... [stuff? I cant' even remember what I was not taking responsibility for] so get down on your knees and beg, bitch" ... okay, so those words are paraphrased but that was essentially his message. Just pulling rank because he's a weak man who feels powerless in his life so he's going to put me down and put me down until I keel into submission. Then everything will be okay. OooooOO!! Why wasn't I born a sweet little good girl who never put up a fight? Ooooh why? Well, that's what I was taught, but I'm having an internal revolution and these things are changing.
Today I joined the gay girls only group. Just incase people start to monitor me, I should attest to my gayness here... besides the obvious deterrents (as stated above) to a life of penis-love, I have a genuine attraction to women. They call people like me Bisexuals..haha. Very into cock, and also manliness, but also very into the female body as well... I really find it more kinky to be intimate with a woman. My taste in women typically errs on the side of the butchy dykey type, but this is not always the case. I guess I just like a strong personality.
Fucking men. I mean, I love men.....sometimes.
I feel there is a general lack of support. I've bitched about my boyfriend to everybody and all over every online network it seems, that I feel embarrassed to get into it here too, and maybe I should. I know I'm displaying a lot of weakness by not leaving him, and not that I'm totally unhappy. But somewhere something is saying, "this has dragged on a long time. You're well beyond the point where a break up was imminent, due, and you chose to ignore that." There was a decision made. That was to not put up the fight, I guess. That, I feel, is very sad. To be too ambivalent to be able to make the decision that is right, and hard, and to accept that this decision is larger than it is being treated. I've always said that if I couldn't allow this person to parent any children of mine, then I need to get out now! And it has definitely come to the point where over time, the pattern is clear, the person established is unfit by my esteem to parent any children of mine.
I have no idea what I'm waiting for, but I'm not strong enough to take it on yet.
Apart from the rant above, I'm just getting so much grief from men in my life now... So much pulling rank. So much "I'm dissappointed in you" well FUCK YOU THEN! I don't give a shit. So much jerking me around because I have an attitude and they want to put me in my place. And never any sympathy or understanding when I outright say, "look, I'm really upset right now and I can't be having this conversation with you so can we respectfully postpone you telling me I'm a piece of shit?" Thanks.
I can't have male friends, according to my boyfriend. He doesn't see the hypocrisy in him going out to dinner with his female co-workers just for kicks after work when he's sooooo not okay with me even visiting some old (male) friends for coffee. We're not going to boink each other. Omutherfuckingkay!?
Or my dad "I just want to see some proof that you're taking responsibility for .... [stuff? I cant' even remember what I was not taking responsibility for] so get down on your knees and beg, bitch" ... okay, so those words are paraphrased but that was essentially his message. Just pulling rank because he's a weak man who feels powerless in his life so he's going to put me down and put me down until I keel into submission. Then everything will be okay. OooooOO!! Why wasn't I born a sweet little good girl who never put up a fight? Ooooh why? Well, that's what I was taught, but I'm having an internal revolution and these things are changing.
Today I joined the gay girls only group. Just incase people start to monitor me, I should attest to my gayness here... besides the obvious deterrents (as stated above) to a life of penis-love, I have a genuine attraction to women. They call people like me Bisexuals..haha. Very into cock, and also manliness, but also very into the female body as well... I really find it more kinky to be intimate with a woman. My taste in women typically errs on the side of the butchy dykey type, but this is not always the case. I guess I just like a strong personality.
Now the choice has been made for me, "she's made up my mind," and I feel like "I'm falling of the face of the earth." I am still struggling with my attachment to her (which I had decided was lifelong), or more properly, my addiction to her. IMHO, our suffering comes from our attachments to people and things -- somehow we convince ourselves that we cannot be happy without this person or another, or without this thing or other. But when I think back, I remember all the times I said "I just can't live without...[fill in the blank]," but that was years ago, and I'm still alive. Proof positive that I will survive (whether I really care to or not is the issue).
Your b/f's posessiveness about having coffee with other guys seems more like attachment than love to me as well. I, too, avoid confrontation, I took a vow of non-violence when I was quite young (physical abuse and all that), so I hung on and hoped. But now, even though I can't stop sobbing, I know she did me a favor. My main concern is whether she's doing herself any favors -- ironically, my ex-g/f's main (admitted) reason for breaking up is that I have too strong a personality -- LOL! I know there are so many other reasons behind this, but she just can't see it (yet). I'm still thinking it over, but I'm thinking it's over. Give it a proper mourning period, and return to the land of the living (easier said than done).
But...this is not about my relationship, but yours. I'd love to have coffee sometime (the only problem is not your b/f's feelings, but that we've got an entire country between us) and talk things over. The next best thing is to write or email or IM or whatever whenever you'd like. In any event, please keep us posted. I'll be wishing you well. You are where you find yourself for a reason, you're feeling what you are for a reason, and only you can decide when where and what is best for you. Sit with your feelings, watch them, listen to them. Decide when you're ready -- you'll know when. Some of us will be here to support you.