(After looking through this entry I know it can seem a little maudlin. It may be, but I am not. I'm actually pretty cheerful, save for the smoke wafting in the window... damn smokey-faces. 
)
Here we are again. I know we've been here before, yet we all come back to the same place. I've been watching my life make loops. I realized this a while back, I think it may have been what set me off, ending in a wild emergency room visit, but I can't quite recall.
When I was in arizona (yes I know it's a proper noun and should be capitalized, but I took away it's capitalization because it's been naughty and until it changes it can't have it back) nothing felt connected. I walked to school along the same roads, and saw the same people, but nothing felt connected. It all felt new, the sunsets, the monsoons, the hiding in the desert till it was dark enough to really enjoy the weather. It was all well and not so good but it all made it's own gouges to my conciousness, all straight lines easy to see where they lead.
Here, well not so much. here are the loops that keep bugging the crap out of me. In 2000 I lived with my aunt Carol. We fought a lot, she annoyed me a lot, I had a huge Cinderella complex going on. Well, it's 2005 and I'm back there again. I'm living in the same room. I remember putting the holes in the wall. I remember living in this room all green and bright in the morning. Well, she doesn't. She doesn't remember me living there in 2000. She swears the last time I lived with her was when I was a little girl. I'd be kidding, and it'd be funny, but it isn't. This does nothing to help the feelings I have about the last 5 years really meaning jack and shit. I wonder if Grandma remembers me living with her?
It's very odd to have the feeling of missing 5 years. I think I may be repressing them, or maybe she is. But still, 5 years is a short time to forget a big event.
I know that my own memory betrays me at every chance it gets. I know the summer of 98 is all a blur. I remember dating a guy, I think? I can't really remember. I know I slept with an older man. He was 39 I was 18. He had a pet pigeon named birdy. When I woke up in the morning I realized he was obsessed with Adolph Hitler, and I skeeeee-daddled damn fast. I remember working at Wal-Mart, but I remember all sorts of bits and peices. What I remember the most is being a slut face. Yep. You heard me, I was a A+ number one skank. I slept with 10? 15? men that summer. I remember I went from just barely realizing I was even able to have sex, to going absolutley STUPID.
This is going to sound so fucking lame, but I really liked myself that summer. I was able to talk to people in a way I really haven't acheived since. I was able to walk up to a man, say, hey, i barely know you, let's fuck, and it worked.
Maybe it was the thrill of being 18. Maybe I was just super fucked in the head. I don't really remember. It seems like that summer lasted forever. I went to NAU in the fall and really made a mess of that, and continued to be an a class fuck up. So maybe that summer wasn't any good for me after all.
Ok, that's enough rambling for one day, Eden. Now kindly put those evil type sticks back where they belong.
So... here are the questions for the day.
1. How many people have you had sex with?
I'm going to be straight and go with my lovely 28.
2. Can you remember all their names (first is fine, last is cool too)
I really wish I could, I used to keep a list, like a running tab.
3. Cinnamon or Mint.
Yes please.
4. Do you call it fall or is it autumn?
I'll have to think about that one, I am leaning toward fall.
5. Have you ever sat back and contemplated the cyclical nature of existence?
ummm... duh.
)
Here we are again. I know we've been here before, yet we all come back to the same place. I've been watching my life make loops. I realized this a while back, I think it may have been what set me off, ending in a wild emergency room visit, but I can't quite recall.
When I was in arizona (yes I know it's a proper noun and should be capitalized, but I took away it's capitalization because it's been naughty and until it changes it can't have it back) nothing felt connected. I walked to school along the same roads, and saw the same people, but nothing felt connected. It all felt new, the sunsets, the monsoons, the hiding in the desert till it was dark enough to really enjoy the weather. It was all well and not so good but it all made it's own gouges to my conciousness, all straight lines easy to see where they lead.
Here, well not so much. here are the loops that keep bugging the crap out of me. In 2000 I lived with my aunt Carol. We fought a lot, she annoyed me a lot, I had a huge Cinderella complex going on. Well, it's 2005 and I'm back there again. I'm living in the same room. I remember putting the holes in the wall. I remember living in this room all green and bright in the morning. Well, she doesn't. She doesn't remember me living there in 2000. She swears the last time I lived with her was when I was a little girl. I'd be kidding, and it'd be funny, but it isn't. This does nothing to help the feelings I have about the last 5 years really meaning jack and shit. I wonder if Grandma remembers me living with her?
It's very odd to have the feeling of missing 5 years. I think I may be repressing them, or maybe she is. But still, 5 years is a short time to forget a big event.
I know that my own memory betrays me at every chance it gets. I know the summer of 98 is all a blur. I remember dating a guy, I think? I can't really remember. I know I slept with an older man. He was 39 I was 18. He had a pet pigeon named birdy. When I woke up in the morning I realized he was obsessed with Adolph Hitler, and I skeeeee-daddled damn fast. I remember working at Wal-Mart, but I remember all sorts of bits and peices. What I remember the most is being a slut face. Yep. You heard me, I was a A+ number one skank. I slept with 10? 15? men that summer. I remember I went from just barely realizing I was even able to have sex, to going absolutley STUPID.
This is going to sound so fucking lame, but I really liked myself that summer. I was able to talk to people in a way I really haven't acheived since. I was able to walk up to a man, say, hey, i barely know you, let's fuck, and it worked.
Maybe it was the thrill of being 18. Maybe I was just super fucked in the head. I don't really remember. It seems like that summer lasted forever. I went to NAU in the fall and really made a mess of that, and continued to be an a class fuck up. So maybe that summer wasn't any good for me after all.
Ok, that's enough rambling for one day, Eden. Now kindly put those evil type sticks back where they belong.
So... here are the questions for the day.
1. How many people have you had sex with?
I'm going to be straight and go with my lovely 28.
2. Can you remember all their names (first is fine, last is cool too)
I really wish I could, I used to keep a list, like a running tab.
3. Cinnamon or Mint.
Yes please.
4. Do you call it fall or is it autumn?
I'll have to think about that one, I am leaning toward fall.
5. Have you ever sat back and contemplated the cyclical nature of existence?
ummm... duh.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
3.
2. Can you remember all their names (first is fine, last is cool too)
Easily.
3. Cinnamon or Mint.
Cinnamon by a LONG shot.
4. Do you call it fall or is it autumn?
Fall, but I like Autumn better.
5. Have you ever sat back and contemplated the cyclical nature of existence?
Not as much as I've thought about how doing so is stupid