edenkitty

OH MY GOD! i'm updating again. Sorry I am a litle random.

So the past couple of days have been a little crappy. Remember now, I am in the middle of a divorce, so a little crappy is like... "oh god, i think i'll go put my head in the oven" kinda crappy.

Luckily I have my Josh. He is way too nice to me. No man in his right should go all the way to pick up a friend cause she's too distraught (sp?) to make her own decisions. I really need to do something phenominal for him.

Whatever. I kinda let my word vomit get all over. I am really worried that I hurt my Kerrie. I know this sounds lesbi-onic, it's not. I just have not had a great female friend in a long time. Like it or not. Victor really really really really has a thing for her. She is able to distract him from everquest, something I have spent ninety percent of a relationship trying to do. I remember a couple of years ago, right before I gave up trying, I was actually naked, trying to get his attention to get off the game. An hour later when I had gotten dressed again and gone to bed, he wondered why I was crying, and why I wasn't in the "mood" anymore.
Fuckface.

I have really been trying to control my reactions about this whole process. I see so many people giving in to hate. That little dude from Degoba had it right, "don't give in to hate - that leads to the dark side." Yeah I'm a geek, don't like it.. oh well. Yesterday and today though, I hate him. I really do. He calls and all I think of is how much I want to kick him in the fucking teeth. I hate that he loves her, and that she is almost desperate enough to go for it. I couldn't take it. It was bad enough sitting on the bed while he snuggled up to her, caressing her like he never did me.

It's lame, he says he has NO feelings for her. As soon as the divorce is final I have a feeling it will be a whole nother story. That he is just waiting. I know him too well. Everyone thinks I'm the evil in this relationship. That I was forceful and manipulative. Fuck that noise. I think about all the times I felt pushed out of my own relationship. I hate that game. I hate him a whole lot right now.

I let that hate get in my way all day today. I tripped over it. Last night I called Josh and asked if he could just be with me, because I hurt so much again. I hurt so much I contemplated just leaving this world. I know. I know. Today, it seems like the dumbest thing. But yesterday I didn't have the power to stop the way I felt. Today I'm better. I promise. Life will be ok. Last night, with all the crying and being snotty and gross, it's in the past.

I just need to let go of this hate and hurt, and tell Kerrie how much I already miss her. To give her a big ass hug, and tell her that I know that it was all broken before she was here. That maybe this doesn't have anything to do with her, but that my spidey sense is tingling and I think he may have more ulterior motives that he'd like to admit. But I can't today. I'm gonna hold onto this hate for a day. I'm going to box it up in some way and send it to the flames.

Sorry if I got verbal vomit on your shoes.