edenkitty

It's late, i should get some sleep. I know that if I do my sleep will be punctuated with dreams. When I was younger I would put myself in a lucid dream state every night. It was easy. I don't know why. I lived a whole nother life in my dreams, built a world I could call home. I drew a map once, it truly was another life, one to escape the sadness I so keenly felt.

Today i was haunted. From the second I lay down last night, till this very second my world has been turned on it's side. I don't know why, i just feel my world out of balance. like someone decided it all looked better in sepia tones. I lost that ability, to lucid dream, I don't remember when. Now my dreams are surreal and vibrantly colored like a video game. I'm lucky though, I retained my abilty to analyze, read, smell, and touch in my dreams. I can still feel the water play in my hands, even if I am following the shadow of a giant whale that turns into a yorkie while at blockbuster. I can taste the crisp apples that were thrown at me while I was flying to the next "bounce station." But I'm not in control anymore, I am still on the outside looking in. I miss it.

I feel like today I woke up. This may be more true than I realize, i didn't take my inderal today, so my blood pressure is probably normal instead of lowered, but it left me open to headaches. Of course today was a sunny day. My dogs have become old. It bothers me, and it helped to turn my world on end. My mother is possibly leaving tommorow to go work on a nuke, again, ripping the fabric of my world.

I am cheerless. I know it's an odd choice of word. I feel like it's all been drained out of me. I don't know when it happened, I know my life is fine. I know so many things, like that I actually am happy some moments. It's the others though, like driving home today, I was struck by inexplicable sadness. I want one full day of up, just one.

I feel like i'm on the outside right now. just watching the world go by, drifting lazily though life. I can't taste, can't feel, can't smell, can't even comprehend anymore. I read the words, I know what they mean, but they don't make sense. I just want to feel again, and not gain any scar tissue in the process. I guess I still feel anger though, the most basic of my emotions, like a default state of being. not happy, not sad, not anything, oh I must be angry.

I have no questions for anyone today, no witty fun things to say. I have nothing but this and the way i feel. I guess I still do feel, it just all feels far away, but then again, the sensation of far away is very close, so maybe... damn it all to hell.

Time to become the automaton, become the heart of the kicksey-winsey. Plodding on to a meaningless goal, never truly knowing my place. Until the Death Gate opens, and brings with it orders from a higher power... or maybe Haplo, I would settle for just Haplo.