Thank god. I was so damn tired of that pic. I love the horns and all, but geez, it really doesn't look like me.
Rant Ahead: Consider Yourself Warned
So I've come to the realization that my life is half lived. Not that I'm old, and I'll die soon or some such. It's just I really don't do the things in life I want to. I'm so scared that if I reach out to touch my dreams I'll be left with a handful of fog.
I didn't go out with annie tonight, I know rachael may be dissapointed, but I'm tired. I don't like clubs either, and I am tired of going to gay bars. It's not any fun for a breeder like me. I'm tired of feeling unfabulous in my skin. Annie weighs 60 pounds more than me, and always looks so much better than me, especially when she is wearing my clothes. I try so hard, but I just don't have the skills she does. My makeup, is dark, yet not so much at the same time, annie always looks like she's ready for her close up.
I have become the dowdy housewife. As I sit typing this, I'm wearing faded jammie bottoms, a top I've had since sophmore year of highschool, with half cried-off makeup. I look like a fucking train wreck. I feel like I look like a train wreck all the time. I realized today that I keep buying more clothes hoping they'll hide what I really am. Overweight, UnderTall, and Too damn hippy. I know my pics don't really show my chub, I can hide it in the dark, but I really am.
Last night we were all at dinner *we being my family* and my aunt, who is no small person mind you, starts going off on the fact I have cleavage. Mind you, I fucking engineer every single outfit I wear with my family to be as cleavage reducing as possible. I laughingly point out that my little cousin libby, who is 16 and a ballet dancer, a rugby player, and a soccer player, has her own small amount of cleavage showing. My aunt being the wonderful loving person she is say "well that's fine because libby has a good figure." If this line had come from libby it may have hurt, but not as bad. Pat always manages to undermine my self-esteem when I need it the least. I've been trying to lose weight you see, I really have. I'm just so exhausted from this damn medication, but my head doesn't hurt, so I dare not stop taking it. I try to get on my stupid excersize bike every day, I probably make it about 3 times a week, and I pedal till my ass hurts and my damn legs feel like they are going to fall off. On days I don't have the energy, I try to stretch a lot and do all the good things I'm supposed to. I even started parking extra far when I'm not too dizzy. But guess what, I fucking am dizzy, I can barely stand straight most days. I can't even drive myself to the fucking store.
I even changed the way this household eats. All whole wheat breads, an emphasis on veggies and lean meat if any. No snack foods that aren't raw, meaning no junk, just veggies, fruits, and a few nuts. No more soda in the house, just big yummy bottles of water in strategic locations. speaking of which, i'm damn thirsty.
Josh can tell I'm upset, he's been trying to do nice things for me all day today. Unfortunately he equates food with a nice thing to do, so he's been buying junk food, He bought me an ass load of jelly bellys last night. I don't want to offend him and tell him that it really undermines what I am trying to acheive. He brought home KFC for dinner, again, undermining. I don't want to tell him that it just makes it hard for me. I know I could tell him no, and that I really should have something else, but dammit, he goes out and gets my favorites, because he knows I'm sad. He even went out and bought Mulan 2 for me. It's horrible. I know what you're thinking "stupid bitch, gets a guy who does everything she could possibly ask and more, and there she is bitching about it." well, yeah, I am bitching, you wanna know why... Josh is not my husband, Victor is.
Victor, that would be the one who is always home, always on my nerves, and thinks a nice thing for him to do is bitch about how I clean the house. Who when asked to bring home dinner makes an hour long dispute over what to get. The same man who took a month to put away his laundry, even though he was pissed everyday because the cats were sleeping on it. He hasn't taken out the garbage since Josh came back from pocatello, he hasn't done the dishes since I came back from pocatello. I just feel sometimes like he doesn't appreciate what I do around here. He doesn't even come to bed when I go to sleep, mind you i stay up till 12, 1, or later hoping he will come to bed. Instead, he says, "I'm gonna stay up and play EQ, Josh looks like you get the bed tonight." I think him letting me have Josh as a psuedo-boyfriend is Victor's way of making up for what he doesn't want to provide me emotionally, or physically.
Anyways, I'm done ranting, here are my questions for the day.
>Sushi-Good and yummy or Evil and heinous?
>Girls in collars-in one adjective?
>Black Eyeshadow-Done, Faboo, or Cute only if done correctly?
>Do you even read my journal?
>Have you ever won Trivial Pursuit? once? couple of times? half the time? more than half? will anyone play with you?
>Your first pet, tell me... I wanna know.
here are my answers
>sushi-evil and heinous
>girls in collars-purrrrrrrr
>Black eyeshadow-cute if done correctly
>I read yours... trust me, everyday I check it.
>Everyonce in a while I can get the boys to play the game, but I've beaten them so much they don't like to, and have to be tricked into it. Hence the invention of strip trivial pursuit.
>My first pet was a cat named serendipity. (yes I know I was disturbed) She was super fluffly and black and white, died of kitty luekemia. Funny story, My mother was at a friends house, and they had a farm, with a lot of feral cats. My mother made the mistake of telling me I could have one of the kittens if I could catch one. Never I mean Never set about a challenge of that magnitude for a 4 year old. Needless to say, a few hundred scratches later, I had a kitten. I actually remember being in the yellow grass and trying to catch her.
That is all =^..^=
Rant Ahead: Consider Yourself Warned
So I've come to the realization that my life is half lived. Not that I'm old, and I'll die soon or some such. It's just I really don't do the things in life I want to. I'm so scared that if I reach out to touch my dreams I'll be left with a handful of fog.
I didn't go out with annie tonight, I know rachael may be dissapointed, but I'm tired. I don't like clubs either, and I am tired of going to gay bars. It's not any fun for a breeder like me. I'm tired of feeling unfabulous in my skin. Annie weighs 60 pounds more than me, and always looks so much better than me, especially when she is wearing my clothes. I try so hard, but I just don't have the skills she does. My makeup, is dark, yet not so much at the same time, annie always looks like she's ready for her close up.
I have become the dowdy housewife. As I sit typing this, I'm wearing faded jammie bottoms, a top I've had since sophmore year of highschool, with half cried-off makeup. I look like a fucking train wreck. I feel like I look like a train wreck all the time. I realized today that I keep buying more clothes hoping they'll hide what I really am. Overweight, UnderTall, and Too damn hippy. I know my pics don't really show my chub, I can hide it in the dark, but I really am.
Last night we were all at dinner *we being my family* and my aunt, who is no small person mind you, starts going off on the fact I have cleavage. Mind you, I fucking engineer every single outfit I wear with my family to be as cleavage reducing as possible. I laughingly point out that my little cousin libby, who is 16 and a ballet dancer, a rugby player, and a soccer player, has her own small amount of cleavage showing. My aunt being the wonderful loving person she is say "well that's fine because libby has a good figure." If this line had come from libby it may have hurt, but not as bad. Pat always manages to undermine my self-esteem when I need it the least. I've been trying to lose weight you see, I really have. I'm just so exhausted from this damn medication, but my head doesn't hurt, so I dare not stop taking it. I try to get on my stupid excersize bike every day, I probably make it about 3 times a week, and I pedal till my ass hurts and my damn legs feel like they are going to fall off. On days I don't have the energy, I try to stretch a lot and do all the good things I'm supposed to. I even started parking extra far when I'm not too dizzy. But guess what, I fucking am dizzy, I can barely stand straight most days. I can't even drive myself to the fucking store.
I even changed the way this household eats. All whole wheat breads, an emphasis on veggies and lean meat if any. No snack foods that aren't raw, meaning no junk, just veggies, fruits, and a few nuts. No more soda in the house, just big yummy bottles of water in strategic locations. speaking of which, i'm damn thirsty.
Josh can tell I'm upset, he's been trying to do nice things for me all day today. Unfortunately he equates food with a nice thing to do, so he's been buying junk food, He bought me an ass load of jelly bellys last night. I don't want to offend him and tell him that it really undermines what I am trying to acheive. He brought home KFC for dinner, again, undermining. I don't want to tell him that it just makes it hard for me. I know I could tell him no, and that I really should have something else, but dammit, he goes out and gets my favorites, because he knows I'm sad. He even went out and bought Mulan 2 for me. It's horrible. I know what you're thinking "stupid bitch, gets a guy who does everything she could possibly ask and more, and there she is bitching about it." well, yeah, I am bitching, you wanna know why... Josh is not my husband, Victor is.
Victor, that would be the one who is always home, always on my nerves, and thinks a nice thing for him to do is bitch about how I clean the house. Who when asked to bring home dinner makes an hour long dispute over what to get. The same man who took a month to put away his laundry, even though he was pissed everyday because the cats were sleeping on it. He hasn't taken out the garbage since Josh came back from pocatello, he hasn't done the dishes since I came back from pocatello. I just feel sometimes like he doesn't appreciate what I do around here. He doesn't even come to bed when I go to sleep, mind you i stay up till 12, 1, or later hoping he will come to bed. Instead, he says, "I'm gonna stay up and play EQ, Josh looks like you get the bed tonight." I think him letting me have Josh as a psuedo-boyfriend is Victor's way of making up for what he doesn't want to provide me emotionally, or physically.
Anyways, I'm done ranting, here are my questions for the day.
>Sushi-Good and yummy or Evil and heinous?
>Girls in collars-in one adjective?
>Black Eyeshadow-Done, Faboo, or Cute only if done correctly?
>Do you even read my journal?
>Have you ever won Trivial Pursuit? once? couple of times? half the time? more than half? will anyone play with you?
>Your first pet, tell me... I wanna know.
here are my answers
>sushi-evil and heinous
>girls in collars-purrrrrrrr
>Black eyeshadow-cute if done correctly
>I read yours... trust me, everyday I check it.
>Everyonce in a while I can get the boys to play the game, but I've beaten them so much they don't like to, and have to be tricked into it. Hence the invention of strip trivial pursuit.
>My first pet was a cat named serendipity. (yes I know I was disturbed) She was super fluffly and black and white, died of kitty luekemia. Funny story, My mother was at a friends house, and they had a farm, with a lot of feral cats. My mother made the mistake of telling me I could have one of the kittens if I could catch one. Never I mean Never set about a challenge of that magnitude for a 4 year old. Needless to say, a few hundred scratches later, I had a kitten. I actually remember being in the yellow grass and trying to catch her.
That is all =^..^=
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
in the meantime, don't let your bitch of an aunt get you down. And while she may not be a bitch all the time, that one statement she made makes her a total bitch in my eyes. I have family like that. And I hate them, and I would tell them off if they dared say anything like that to me. in fact, I have, and they dont say shit like that anymore. I wish i could hug you, I know how much that must have hurt. In fact, it's conjuring old memories for me and getting me all misty just thinking about it. But you know what, fuck that. You're a beautiful girl. And I will adore any cleavage you wish to bestow upon me.
It's a damn shame we don't live closer. I hate going to clubs too...I'm more of a concert, or chill with a very small crowd of people at my pad kinda girl.
>Sushi-Good and yummy or Evil and heinous? Evil and heinous
>Girls in collars-in one adjective? hot
>Black Eyeshadow-Done, Faboo, or Cute only if done correctly? Well, I like it almost always. even when it isnt pro style.
>Do you even read my journal? did my long ass response answer that for you?
>Have you ever won Trivial Pursuit? I've won a couple times, but my hubby kicks major ass at it, so I dont play as much anymore. I'm anxious to play the 90's version!
>Your first pet, tell me... I wanna know. he was a little shitzu names gizmo. My parents didnt take care of his fur and it was matted all over in big chunky knots, but he was sweet and I loved him. My parents told me that he ran away, I found out later that he had died and they burried him in our backyard while i was at school.
and I'm not ticklish (she said slyishly)