edenkitty

today i have the feeling it's just not worth it. worth what? what are we talking about? everything, we are talking about everything.
i've been trying to stay relatively positive all day but its just not working. i hurt, there are no ifs ands or buts about it. my head is tight, which freaks me out since i take medications to help my migranes to stay the hell away. i had to stop taking one of my medications because i thought it caused these weird stabbing pains, turned out i was right, now it's just to an ache. it feel like someone punched me... stupid head. don't punch me, it's not fair, i'm to fucking cute to get punched in the tummy. no poking the pudgy parts dammit!
life is good in general though. i need to clean, it's a given, i need to do lots of things, weather or not they happen, that's entirely up to me.... lame huh. taking responsibility sucks. i'm sorry i'm moogface. i know you all would rather read the happy fun-time eden posts. well, nyar, you don't get one today. maybe tommorow, if the little gnomes stop pressing on my eyeballs. stupid gnomes, they belong in a garden, not my head.
i feel alone. i know it's stupid, i have Victor, and Josh and the three kitties, and the stupid head bird, and Pinky the fish. so i really am not alone. i have my family, my mom, my step-dad, the three evil step-sisters, the aunts, the uncles, the cousins, and the grandma, so i really am not alone. it just feels like i really don't know anyone. oddly enough i don't want to put any effort into it either, but there's a reason.
i meet a ton of people i would LOVE to be friends with. but i'm scared. i'm scared that i will be the needy friend. i'm scared that when they find out how horrible a person i am inside they will run away. i'm afraid that i'll never be good enough to be friends with such nice people. i want friends, i'm just afraid to ask for friendship. turns out, everytime i do ask for friendship, try to call, make a time to get together, i must sound needy, or i'm really boring, because maybe once or twice people want to come, or want me to, then... the inevitable nothing comes. i don't like the nothing. it hurts so much when i finally reach out and i'm left with nothing.
so i sit, with this computer terminal seperating me from the outside. maybe a little to much. i realized today that i'm getting really pale again. i look sickly because of it, doesn't help i sleep 12 hours a day. doesn't help that i still feel tired.
sorry if you're still reading, you don't have to, it's ok, it just feels better to type it all out. don't worry about me, i'm always fine, i bounce back, i pretend the world is allright.