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edenkitty

Portland, Or

Member Since 2004

Followers 20 Following 30

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Saturday Apr 22, 2006

Apr 22, 2006
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On rejection... it sucks.

Yeah, I said it, it sucks. It's always personal, and even if the person is just not in the mood, just doesn't like you, or really doesn't want to stick through another one of your "mystery dinners" it still sucks.

So I've been sick, not like hacking up a lung (doctor's seem to care a bit more about that) but the fun kind of sick that only girls can be. I've been bleeding for 3 and a half months. It was down to just a bit of color here and there, and is now back to full bore, can't wear white, can't wear anything but black.

Yeah, it's gross it's icky, I promise it's much worse to be on my end of the stick. You just hear about it. I live it. I wake up in the morning and wait for my body to wake up to see if I will need a towel or TWO to get to the bathroom. It's lame. It's gross, I can't even smell blood anymore. I'm immune.

So.. yeah. It sucks. It's the most dehumanizing unsexy way I've EVER felt. seriously. I know this is stupid but I base a lot of my self worth on how attractive I am to the other sex, or my sex even. The fact that I know a MtF and she thinks I'm pretty, and is interested in my puts a swish in my step. The most crazy homeless guy choosing to sit by me on the MAX, and saying "I'll sit next to this lovely lady" though creepy enough to get me to move to the end of the train, still makes my day a little better. Even the young guys a Jamba juice knowing my name and smiling at me makes me feel good.

So Being unable to perform in any sexual way is like fucking kryptonite for my self-esteem. I feel the lowest of the low. It doesn't help that my one and only partner in crime is very put off by any blood, even to the point of avoiding my touch. I guess it's just hard for me, it feels like rejection, especially when in my prettiest little subby voice, i ask if he'd like to "play" and he practically pushes me away. I just want to have some type of release from all this pain and ick and annoyance. I want to feel my skin and my hair and my nose and my toes, and not the ball of pain that is my uterus. I want to feel leather and pvc across my back, I want to feel like I'm worth enough to be treated like nothing. Yeah, can you say complicated AND angsty, I knew you could.

It's just so hard to be positive and feel upbeat when the one person who knows they don't deserve you doesn't even want to touch you.

My doctors have rejected me as well, but that's a story for another time and another moog.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
howdypardner:
crazyness. . .

I ended up sitting next to wither a speed freak or recovering speed freak on the bus today. . .it was akward
Apr 25, 2006
horrorfiend:
Hey girl! Just wanted to say what's up and that I had a killer time the other night. I very much enjoyed your company.

im off the same time next week. So if you wanna hang out, call me. You' ve got my number tongue
Apr 26, 2006

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