ecrivaine

I had a video to share but I cannot get it to let me do so. So I give up.


I'm going to add to this now some more of my feelings:
Since June 20th I have had something to distract me every day. I drove to the coast. I worked two jobs. I filled my life with random strangers clinging to the idea that somewhere something might happen to make all this pain go away. At the very least I was always distracted from my thoughts. Then I went to school, and I started to get myself back to where I once was (maybe never was actually).
But then it all fell through.
I'm worried about Christmas break because I won't have anything to distract me. I will sit alone in my house. I don't have family. I don't have friends. I have no one to spend this time with so it will be spent missing you and missing that you were my family, you were my friend. Now you're that man for someone else... Someone who once called me a friend.
I try to be strong.
But I feel myself slipping.
And the cruel irony in it all is that I'm slipping into the exact thing that I hated you for. The exact reason I had to leave.
And the frightening thing is that it isn't enough for me and I want something stronger-something to make me feel alive or something to make me feel numb.

I know I have to be strong and stay away. I'm doing it because it's best for me and best for you... but am I really strong if I'm losing grip on myself?