Day fourteen.
I spent all night writing her a letter, and the entire day leading up to that thinking about it.
Here's what I wrote:
______________________________________________________________
XXXXX,
I spent the last three days thinking about this letter and most all of tonight writing it, because it's really hard to say what I think need to say. I know that we agreed on two weeks, but as the days have closed in on Monday the 13th I've been growing more and more anxious. I've kept myself from wondering if you have, too. I've kept myself from thinking about you and what you're doing pretty much the whole time, and I think I've done quite well. I'm proud of myself. I'd say that I think you'd probably be proud of me too, but honestly I don't even let myself get that far and I think that's a good thing. I have wondered how you are, when I've allowed myself to wonder. I've wondered the same about Crow, though I don't really let myself think about him either. It all hurts too much, and if there's been one clear directive I've had from the start, one clear point from which to move, it's been that no matter what, I'm not sinking back into sadness. I'm not doing that again, ever.
What I'm getting at is that I'm not ready to see you again, and I can't yet say when I will be. This fucking sucks to say and I don't really want to be saying it, but given how things are it's what I feel I need. I didn't want us to be over. I still don't. But I know that we are, at least the old "we", and as painful as all of this has been and still is, I'm glad to be letting go of what that became. It's getting easier as each day goes by - mostly, I think, 'cause I'm making the right choices now - and though I know how good it'd feel to have you back in my life again, I also remember how much it hurts to be around you while wanting from you what you no longer want from me. I need to take care of myself, and those wounds are still too fresh, and so the chances of falling right back into old patterns are just too high. I think it's too soon.
I know that we've still got a lot of hammering things out to do, at the very least as far as bills and books and other technical details are concerned, and I'm thinking we should do that via email this week. I have Monday and Tuesday until my week gets crazy with work again. I'll check in with myself tomorrow morning and see how I feel about talking with you on the phone, but as it stands now I think that email would be best.
Oh, and don't worry if you write to me early in the day and don't hear back for a while: the key for the Volvo's ignition is about to snap so I need to go to a specialty key shop tomorrow morning to have copies made and the driver and passenger door locks repaired, and I don't know how long that'll take. I've been getting in through the window this whole time and I'm worried that someone's gonna see me doing it and fuck with the car when I'm not around.
***
I hope you're well. I hope you've been doing really good things for yourself and that opportunities are beginning to open up for you. I hope that good change is what your world is all about right now. And goddamnit, I can't help that I'm really looking forward to hearing back from you. After having written this, I'm finally in a place where I can smile about that happening.
I miss you and I love you,
--XXXXX
______________________________________________________________
I felt peaceful after I'd finished it, and then I showered and went to bed.
I spent all night writing her a letter, and the entire day leading up to that thinking about it.
Here's what I wrote:
______________________________________________________________
XXXXX,
I spent the last three days thinking about this letter and most all of tonight writing it, because it's really hard to say what I think need to say. I know that we agreed on two weeks, but as the days have closed in on Monday the 13th I've been growing more and more anxious. I've kept myself from wondering if you have, too. I've kept myself from thinking about you and what you're doing pretty much the whole time, and I think I've done quite well. I'm proud of myself. I'd say that I think you'd probably be proud of me too, but honestly I don't even let myself get that far and I think that's a good thing. I have wondered how you are, when I've allowed myself to wonder. I've wondered the same about Crow, though I don't really let myself think about him either. It all hurts too much, and if there's been one clear directive I've had from the start, one clear point from which to move, it's been that no matter what, I'm not sinking back into sadness. I'm not doing that again, ever.
What I'm getting at is that I'm not ready to see you again, and I can't yet say when I will be. This fucking sucks to say and I don't really want to be saying it, but given how things are it's what I feel I need. I didn't want us to be over. I still don't. But I know that we are, at least the old "we", and as painful as all of this has been and still is, I'm glad to be letting go of what that became. It's getting easier as each day goes by - mostly, I think, 'cause I'm making the right choices now - and though I know how good it'd feel to have you back in my life again, I also remember how much it hurts to be around you while wanting from you what you no longer want from me. I need to take care of myself, and those wounds are still too fresh, and so the chances of falling right back into old patterns are just too high. I think it's too soon.
I know that we've still got a lot of hammering things out to do, at the very least as far as bills and books and other technical details are concerned, and I'm thinking we should do that via email this week. I have Monday and Tuesday until my week gets crazy with work again. I'll check in with myself tomorrow morning and see how I feel about talking with you on the phone, but as it stands now I think that email would be best.
Oh, and don't worry if you write to me early in the day and don't hear back for a while: the key for the Volvo's ignition is about to snap so I need to go to a specialty key shop tomorrow morning to have copies made and the driver and passenger door locks repaired, and I don't know how long that'll take. I've been getting in through the window this whole time and I'm worried that someone's gonna see me doing it and fuck with the car when I'm not around.
***
I hope you're well. I hope you've been doing really good things for yourself and that opportunities are beginning to open up for you. I hope that good change is what your world is all about right now. And goddamnit, I can't help that I'm really looking forward to hearing back from you. After having written this, I'm finally in a place where I can smile about that happening.
I miss you and I love you,
--XXXXX
______________________________________________________________
I felt peaceful after I'd finished it, and then I showered and went to bed.