Day four.
Too tired to think, or maybe I've just been thinking too much today. I realized an hour ago that I've been clenching my teeth all day. I was on-call tonight and wasn't needed, so I stayed home and worked on the flat some more. The floors are all clean now. The sink's white again. The bathroom's clean as well - tub, toilet, sink, and floor. All of the Christmas lights have been replaced and are working again, even out on the walk. I did the laundry as well, and put the freshly washed clothes away in my new closet - her old one. I moved my hanging clothes from my old closet to the new one ands surprised at how little space they took up. I could put every stitch I own in there and still have tons of room for more. That's all for tonight, though. I'm gonna make myself sick if I don't get some decent sleep tonight.
About how I've been ending these posts: I know that this time, this experience, this life I live now - I know that it isn't about her. I know that I'm supposed to be letting go, and all the while I'm comforting myself by continuing to say "I love you" and "goodnight" at the end of every day. I recognize that by doing this, I'm maintaining a connection, energetically, in me, to her - and by proxy, to the relationship we had. I know all of this.
I also know that I'll know what to do, and when to do it, in time.
***
I heard some news today of something you said online. I don't think I'd really understood exactly why it was such a good idea for us to have agreed to sever all contact until then. I hope that you're not hearing anything of me beyond that I'm okay and am handling things well. I hope you're doing well tonight, right now, as I type this. I hope you're smiling and laughing this very second. I'm learning to treat myself well. I know it'd make you smile to know that. I hope that you're treating yourself well, too.
Goodnight, Traci.
Too tired to think, or maybe I've just been thinking too much today. I realized an hour ago that I've been clenching my teeth all day. I was on-call tonight and wasn't needed, so I stayed home and worked on the flat some more. The floors are all clean now. The sink's white again. The bathroom's clean as well - tub, toilet, sink, and floor. All of the Christmas lights have been replaced and are working again, even out on the walk. I did the laundry as well, and put the freshly washed clothes away in my new closet - her old one. I moved my hanging clothes from my old closet to the new one ands surprised at how little space they took up. I could put every stitch I own in there and still have tons of room for more. That's all for tonight, though. I'm gonna make myself sick if I don't get some decent sleep tonight.
About how I've been ending these posts: I know that this time, this experience, this life I live now - I know that it isn't about her. I know that I'm supposed to be letting go, and all the while I'm comforting myself by continuing to say "I love you" and "goodnight" at the end of every day. I recognize that by doing this, I'm maintaining a connection, energetically, in me, to her - and by proxy, to the relationship we had. I know all of this.
I also know that I'll know what to do, and when to do it, in time.
***
I heard some news today of something you said online. I don't think I'd really understood exactly why it was such a good idea for us to have agreed to sever all contact until then. I hope that you're not hearing anything of me beyond that I'm okay and am handling things well. I hope you're doing well tonight, right now, as I type this. I hope you're smiling and laughing this very second. I'm learning to treat myself well. I know it'd make you smile to know that. I hope that you're treating yourself well, too.
Goodnight, Traci.
