Day one.
Today I
fed the cats
washed the dishes
took out the trash & recycling
went out and bought some food for today and the next few days.
I thought I'd do more, but I started feeling achey and weak around 11am. It got worse as the day went on, and I ended up calling out to work. I never did get to feeling much better. I ached all over, my head pounded, I felt lethargic, and I found it really difficult to concentrate on much of anything for very long. I still feel that way - as if I'm purging something. Something dark. But I think I'm doing it right this time.
I didn't wanna be around anyone today. It felt like the kind of loneliness that shouldn't be banished with company. It felt - it still feels - like something I need to experience. To know. To have been through it, and to have learned from it. I'm grateful for this time, even as I know that I don't ever want to do this again.
I read a bit from "Just Kids". It's beautiful, and it's already quite clear why she bought it for me. I could have escaped into it today - almost did - but their story, at least in the beginning, parallels ours in such deep ways and I recognized that it would have been like mourning to dwell too long in those pages, so I put it down. But I was still lonely, and since I was too physically weak and mentally scattered to be productive, I needed something positive to keep me from noticing how incredibly quiet it was here today. Still is.
So I took my laptop, drew a bath, and put on one of my favorite animated series to keep me company - and to my surprise there was a lesson for me there:
"You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength."
Which led me to this:
"If you keep on analyzing yourself, your despair will increase and your thoughts will unnerve you. Stop it. Rise above them."
***
I love you. Today I learned the beginning of the true meaning of missing you, but tonight I finally found some peace. I hope you found some, too.
Goodnight.
Today I
fed the cats
washed the dishes
took out the trash & recycling
went out and bought some food for today and the next few days.
I thought I'd do more, but I started feeling achey and weak around 11am. It got worse as the day went on, and I ended up calling out to work. I never did get to feeling much better. I ached all over, my head pounded, I felt lethargic, and I found it really difficult to concentrate on much of anything for very long. I still feel that way - as if I'm purging something. Something dark. But I think I'm doing it right this time.
I didn't wanna be around anyone today. It felt like the kind of loneliness that shouldn't be banished with company. It felt - it still feels - like something I need to experience. To know. To have been through it, and to have learned from it. I'm grateful for this time, even as I know that I don't ever want to do this again.
I read a bit from "Just Kids". It's beautiful, and it's already quite clear why she bought it for me. I could have escaped into it today - almost did - but their story, at least in the beginning, parallels ours in such deep ways and I recognized that it would have been like mourning to dwell too long in those pages, so I put it down. But I was still lonely, and since I was too physically weak and mentally scattered to be productive, I needed something positive to keep me from noticing how incredibly quiet it was here today. Still is.
So I took my laptop, drew a bath, and put on one of my favorite animated series to keep me company - and to my surprise there was a lesson for me there:
"You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength."
Which led me to this:
"If you keep on analyzing yourself, your despair will increase and your thoughts will unnerve you. Stop it. Rise above them."
***
I love you. Today I learned the beginning of the true meaning of missing you, but tonight I finally found some peace. I hope you found some, too.
Goodnight.