well, well i find myself here again, to vent to the online world.
it always seems so much easier and more cowardly to do so?

well all i'm here to say is i feel utterly cut off from the world now, over the last year so many amazing and bad things have happened to me, that its changed my whole life perspective. i used to have more friends than i could easily care for, now i still have lots of friends, but the ones i care for, and the ones who seem to care about me, can probably be counted on one hand.

i know its inevitable to loose touch, and those you care for as little of freindship and life is stable or consistent, but i find myself thinking more and more about what it means to loose touch with so many poeple almost seemingly at once? i'm not sure were any of this is actaully going, but i just had the ruge to type and vent.

i know most of this can be attributed to me, as i am stubborn, belligerent and down right nasty freqeunly and can be an utter fuckin prick most of the time, but you kinda realise its all meanigless in the full scale of waht can and should be achieved in this world and our life times? i mean what true difference does me losing contact with people, hurting others feelings and gettin upset and withdrawing from nearly all social contact have to do with the world as a whole? probably nothing, more than any other person, but on the other hand what if the way im being now and doing now, is inadvertently affecting nearly everything that i know in my world, fairly strait forward and not too deep i know, but seriously, how can we believe or act in a logical manner, when everyone we encounter affects us all in some way?
i mean how many poeple piss you off, or make you smile in some way each day? 1, 2 10 or 100, numbers dont really matter, just the true knock on effect of those numbers, if i make one person smile and they make one person smile, them surely me making one person smile, effects the whole world, becasue from that one smile the whole world smiles.
now if taken to the other extrme, what if i make soemone cry, do i make the whole world cry?
now i'm not arrogant enough to believe, i affect the whole world, but its kinda like the chaos and butterfly effects, what if i do, and waht if i'm the root and cause of all my own problems becasue i dwell and fester on the past and negative things, that all the poeple around me can do is cry or be sad, then surely that woudl affect me?
how can it be that i can be a utter prick, but when it comes down to it, i can't bring myself to see hurt in others?
excpet those i really care for (for they suffer more at my hands than the world at large)

why do i have to be so stubborn, bull headed, and decisive, why do i have make rash and snap judgements on others actions, when i cannot even begin to decipher my own? i feel all i need is a little push to motivate myself to freedom, but from what do i seek to escape.

i analyse everything far too much, but it becomes a crippling analysis, that really brings good to me, and through the knock on effect!

so i ask everyone who has read all the way to this point, make every oen you ever meet, regardless of if there your most hated enemy smile, becasue then your sphere of happiness shall expand, and maybe i might find a msile for longer than a moment?

the end