dyspnea

dear april,
apparently you have forgotten that the thing that made us leave massachusetts was you. apparently you have forgotten that i left because i had to. apparently you have forgotten the chris incidents. are the things that make you sad the result of your own choices? or are they the result of some chaotic controlling force? do you blame yourself, or god, or me? do you forget that i gave up everything to try to make you happy? do you forget that before we left massachusetts i told you that it would end badly because erie pennsylvania was a dead city with no work and nowhere to go? do you remember me telling you that we were going despite the fact that i knew it was wrong? do you remember that i was right about joe, and chris, and erie, and us? do you remember that i tried and gave everything that i had for you, and threw it all away for the chance to make you see that i loved you, and that you never recognized it for a second?
thank you though, i am happier back in ireland than i ever could have been in erie, pa.
do you know that i still think about you and hope the best things for you without me? because in the end i am not worth all this. i am not important enough to be on a list of things that make you sad.
tristan.