dyspnea

Memory...

i can still remember him... standing there in the blackness. his skin was golden silk, tasting of the purest honey, and his lips were roses... as they traveled across my too mortal flesh, i thought i knew eternity itself, but that was just one more illusion like the memories i clings to now... an illusion too easily dismissed.

a raven plucks away shreds of my lungs. the pain is intense, but it has not yet robbed me of my memory of him.

none will care when i die (when i am dead) the thought is strangely comforting.

::sigh::

it was then that without a doubt i knew what i wanted- what we both wanted was forbidden. but i pursued it anyway, fool that i was. now i am damned for it.

the rat that has nested in what remains of my stomach chitters at me a moment - a vile sound - then goes back to shredding the mess of organs and the heart on which it feeds.

another familiar stab of pain... blurring into the rest. it enrages me that i have noticed this, every moment i let myself feel this torment is another victory for him.

i remember being inside of him, his face, his lips... so utterly perfect. oddly enough i cannot remember "meeting" him...

it seemed i had known him forever, and my life before him was an empty dream, one i wanted to forget.

i forced him that first night. before that moment he would not allow me even the small comfort of staring him in the eyes. he was beautiful and ugly but always distant and that distance drove me mad with desire for him.

weeks without touching him took their toll, until...

perhaps he saw it in my eyes that night... i know that in that moment i stole a kiss from him he could have burned me to ash, but he did not.
forcing him to feel i felt my desire for him increase... he never even resisted, but with two words. "i cant" he whispered and the sound of his voice only spurred me on. i still cannot make myself fully regret taking him as i did.

i spent myself into him and when it was over he merely looked at me with eyes full of confusion and lust. i opened my mouth to try and make sense of it all for him, but he pulled me down atop him again and our lips met in a desperate searching kiss and i knew that he felt as i did, and he had only denied me at first out of fear and fear alone.

i should have given more thought to what could make him feel fear or doubt, but its too late for that now.

i was a fool and i shall remain one for the rest of my life.

the memory of that first night brings heat to my veins... i am more aware of this now, of the pain, of the chains which bind me to him. forged into the heart of a star.

i remember all too clearly the moment in which i damned myself...

after countless stolen nights of shared passion, (he) discovered us together. he became silent and unmoving beneath me. i felt him being torn away from me...

all the beauty and horror that he embodied was multiplied countless times... his eyes appeared in my mind, pleading.

despite that, despite EVERYTHING, fear had twisted my words.

i felt him scream, felt him being torn apart. it haunts me. the last sounds of a soul being annihilated.

this had all been a test --- one i had failed.

one image remains with me, one alone: his smile.

i will hold on to this image. in the pain there is no time, it is eternity, as i once thought his kisses were. i can only reassure time in the fading of his smile under the pains assault...

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There are a way that things are... and then there are just my memories of them...

-Dyspnea