Long boring spaceless update to follow - important words highlighted so you can just read them instead of the whole bloody thing, which won't make sense but will be more amusing.
I went to the zoo!
It was great. We had to get two bloody trains and two buses to get there and the same back, and they were packed with whingey smelly children with annoying accents, but it was worth it. I have pictures but no way of putting them in here.
There were baby elephants fighting in a waterfall and a tiger slinking through bushes and ostriches looking very pissed off and wallabies I planned on smuggling out in my jumper and giraffes that were nosy and a jaguar that looked like a giant curled up sofa cat and that despite its huge 2 million outside and indoor giant deluxe bachelor pad, was curled up in a tiny corner so nobody could see it properly and an incredibly smelly bat cave that didn't have batman in it and rhino that were dull because they were just standing about being rhino like and not charging anything and otters that were better than all the other animals put together, and a really really boring lion. It was asleep in the middle of its field with its back to everyone. The petulant 5-year-old inside me thought that this was very unfair and considered throwing stones at it to get it up and about (and preferably angry), but the adult sensible part decided that throwing stones at it would be cruel and stupid (and besides - there was a sign telling you that if you did you'd be thrown out).
Also there were people getting married there, which strikes me as a fun idea if you have a fun silly wedding and get to go look at the animals and have a laugh, but they had it all outside this nice old house building with a pretty garden, with a big white meringue frock and suits so it was basically exactly the same as yer average bog standard wedding but with the smell of elephant poo in the air and screaming Liverpudlian kids running past now and then. What's the point? If it was me I'd have worn a strapless leopard print dress and forced all the guests to come as some kind of animal and the ceremony would take place in the smelly batcave with fruitbats flapping past everyone's heads and making the bridesmaids (dressed as gorillas) scream.
And I went to Alton Towers and it was sunny and hot and we didn't go on Rita Queen of Speed (why is it called this? Who is Rita? Why is she fast?) because it had a 2 hour queue all day but we did go on pretty much everything else, and I especially liked the big nets underneath it to catch all the crap that flies off people going so fast - it was full of giant gold chav hoop earrings, despite a sign telling you to take them off. And when the people in front of us got off Air all the change fell out of their pockets and made me wonder if they have a special grate under the platform for catching everybody's lost money. And they've done up the Haunted House so that now instead of the old boring ghost train it has lazer guns in the seats and you shoot things as you go round, and I totally thrashed all 4 of my friends by about 30,000 points more than any of them. I will kick ass when the zombie holocaust begins. Enterprise is just a crappy wheel thing but it makes you feel ever so odd when you get off it, like your head is really light and floating away but your legs are made of lead and won't move. I guess it's because it's basically the same as a centrifuge, and I had images of all my red blood cells spun down to my legs while all the plasma crap was floating around in my head. I felt sick, but not so sick I couldn't eat all the junk food in the world. We queued forever for the bloody Rapids thing that I didn't even want to go on because it's always me that gets soaking wet, but we endured about an hour of duck music (but also got to laugh at real ducks showing off to the crowd doing the upside down thing in the water) and sure enough, I was the only one of us who got drenched. Everyone else got maybe a slight cooling spray on their face, I got soaked all down my left hand side so I had one leg of my jeans (and attractively, my entire arse) completely wet through.
And Monday was a special day and we went for food at the Hard Rock Cafe for no good reason other than we hadn't before and we had the worlds most friendly waiter ever and I had the most cheesey meal ever with cheesey pasta and garlic bread with cheese and followed it with cheesecake, which was impossible to finish because although it was delicious, it appeared to be about 5 cheesecakes cunningly condensed into one slice. One mouthful made me more full than I had ever been in my life ever (not that it stopped me from eating a lot more). Also, they played the Rolling Stones' live Satisfaction video with all the balloons, has anyone ever noticed Keith twatting someone over the head with his guitar in it?!
And the Battle of the Bands was better than I thought partly because I remembered that Junktion7 sells white russians and Spirytus won because they bloody well deserved to.
And my GTA girlfriends are still skanky ho's.
I went to the zoo!
It was great. We had to get two bloody trains and two buses to get there and the same back, and they were packed with whingey smelly children with annoying accents, but it was worth it. I have pictures but no way of putting them in here.
There were baby elephants fighting in a waterfall and a tiger slinking through bushes and ostriches looking very pissed off and wallabies I planned on smuggling out in my jumper and giraffes that were nosy and a jaguar that looked like a giant curled up sofa cat and that despite its huge 2 million outside and indoor giant deluxe bachelor pad, was curled up in a tiny corner so nobody could see it properly and an incredibly smelly bat cave that didn't have batman in it and rhino that were dull because they were just standing about being rhino like and not charging anything and otters that were better than all the other animals put together, and a really really boring lion. It was asleep in the middle of its field with its back to everyone. The petulant 5-year-old inside me thought that this was very unfair and considered throwing stones at it to get it up and about (and preferably angry), but the adult sensible part decided that throwing stones at it would be cruel and stupid (and besides - there was a sign telling you that if you did you'd be thrown out).
Also there were people getting married there, which strikes me as a fun idea if you have a fun silly wedding and get to go look at the animals and have a laugh, but they had it all outside this nice old house building with a pretty garden, with a big white meringue frock and suits so it was basically exactly the same as yer average bog standard wedding but with the smell of elephant poo in the air and screaming Liverpudlian kids running past now and then. What's the point? If it was me I'd have worn a strapless leopard print dress and forced all the guests to come as some kind of animal and the ceremony would take place in the smelly batcave with fruitbats flapping past everyone's heads and making the bridesmaids (dressed as gorillas) scream.
And I went to Alton Towers and it was sunny and hot and we didn't go on Rita Queen of Speed (why is it called this? Who is Rita? Why is she fast?) because it had a 2 hour queue all day but we did go on pretty much everything else, and I especially liked the big nets underneath it to catch all the crap that flies off people going so fast - it was full of giant gold chav hoop earrings, despite a sign telling you to take them off. And when the people in front of us got off Air all the change fell out of their pockets and made me wonder if they have a special grate under the platform for catching everybody's lost money. And they've done up the Haunted House so that now instead of the old boring ghost train it has lazer guns in the seats and you shoot things as you go round, and I totally thrashed all 4 of my friends by about 30,000 points more than any of them. I will kick ass when the zombie holocaust begins. Enterprise is just a crappy wheel thing but it makes you feel ever so odd when you get off it, like your head is really light and floating away but your legs are made of lead and won't move. I guess it's because it's basically the same as a centrifuge, and I had images of all my red blood cells spun down to my legs while all the plasma crap was floating around in my head. I felt sick, but not so sick I couldn't eat all the junk food in the world. We queued forever for the bloody Rapids thing that I didn't even want to go on because it's always me that gets soaking wet, but we endured about an hour of duck music (but also got to laugh at real ducks showing off to the crowd doing the upside down thing in the water) and sure enough, I was the only one of us who got drenched. Everyone else got maybe a slight cooling spray on their face, I got soaked all down my left hand side so I had one leg of my jeans (and attractively, my entire arse) completely wet through.
And Monday was a special day and we went for food at the Hard Rock Cafe for no good reason other than we hadn't before and we had the worlds most friendly waiter ever and I had the most cheesey meal ever with cheesey pasta and garlic bread with cheese and followed it with cheesecake, which was impossible to finish because although it was delicious, it appeared to be about 5 cheesecakes cunningly condensed into one slice. One mouthful made me more full than I had ever been in my life ever (not that it stopped me from eating a lot more). Also, they played the Rolling Stones' live Satisfaction video with all the balloons, has anyone ever noticed Keith twatting someone over the head with his guitar in it?!
And the Battle of the Bands was better than I thought partly because I remembered that Junktion7 sells white russians and Spirytus won because they bloody well deserved to.
And my GTA girlfriends are still skanky ho's.
VIEW 27 of 27 COMMENTS
I like the sort of zoos where they let the animals run around in big enclosures rather than cramped cages.
Whipsnade Zoo is like that - I went there a few times as a child.
I used to work at Chessington World of Adventures, which has a zoo - but I didn't like their zoo. The zebras had a very small pen that wasn't really big enough to go galloping around.
And mmmm cheesecake. I've got serious cravings now! Damn you diet