Okay, time for a new random blog. But not really so random. Its actually something on the front of my mind, and has been for a few days now. And I don't post this trying to kid myself into thinking that someone reading it will have a solution for me. But the internet is a great place to vent, so here goes.
I am setting myself up for a post-traumatic stress disorder kind of a situation, and I am ruining my marriage while I am doing it. All the while, I am stationed in motherfucking KUWAIT, and I haven't seen a hostile action against a human being since the last time we had a Halo 2 LAN party. But for some reason I am letting things get to me over here that simply should not have this much of an impact on me. Whats worse is that I KNOW these things should not be affecting me so strongly, but I can do nothing to prevent them. Most recently I got so angered at my chain of command that I asked to be relieved from duty before I stabbed my boss in the gut. This is a very random and unexpected kind of action, even and especially for myself. Those that know me know that I am not the farthest thing they know from a violent person, but I am still pretty damned far away from it. I have never in my life hit anyone out of anger. I have only been in one fight. Ever. It was in junior high, and I lost. I am not the kind of person that has anger issues... until now.
I have been married to my beautiful wife for four years now. Yesterday was my anniversary. And I spent it, the third of our four anniversaries as such, away from home. I have been home with my wife for almost one year out of the four we've been married. One year. That by itself is stressful. But it gets worse when you have almost unlimited telephone access to home, you talk to your wife constantly, and you can hear in her voice that she is suffering. You want to help her, but you can't because you don't know when you are going to be home. That is pretty fucking stressful.
But then it gets bad when you're bored, all of your coworkers are bored, and your NCOIC is bored, and EVERYBODY thrives on drama. Drama, and in the case of my NCO, mental abuse. He can't actually hit us, and I think this pains him to no end. But he beats the everloving shit out of us mentally. I know he could always be much worse... But I can say hands down that this man is the worst NCO I have ever seen in the US Army. And I can honestly say I have never, EVER felt the same way about any other NCOs I have worked with. I can actually say that I have had a few NCOs that I would gladly go to war with because I know that, no matter what, he always has my best interests in mind. At least whenever its possible. But this guy? Hell no.
So I live and work in Kuwait. I do my job, I eat at the DFAC, I sleep in an air conditioned room with one single roommate... and my life still manages to be shit. How in the fuck is this possible?
And how in the fuck can I get home? NOW?
I am setting myself up for a post-traumatic stress disorder kind of a situation, and I am ruining my marriage while I am doing it. All the while, I am stationed in motherfucking KUWAIT, and I haven't seen a hostile action against a human being since the last time we had a Halo 2 LAN party. But for some reason I am letting things get to me over here that simply should not have this much of an impact on me. Whats worse is that I KNOW these things should not be affecting me so strongly, but I can do nothing to prevent them. Most recently I got so angered at my chain of command that I asked to be relieved from duty before I stabbed my boss in the gut. This is a very random and unexpected kind of action, even and especially for myself. Those that know me know that I am not the farthest thing they know from a violent person, but I am still pretty damned far away from it. I have never in my life hit anyone out of anger. I have only been in one fight. Ever. It was in junior high, and I lost. I am not the kind of person that has anger issues... until now.
I have been married to my beautiful wife for four years now. Yesterday was my anniversary. And I spent it, the third of our four anniversaries as such, away from home. I have been home with my wife for almost one year out of the four we've been married. One year. That by itself is stressful. But it gets worse when you have almost unlimited telephone access to home, you talk to your wife constantly, and you can hear in her voice that she is suffering. You want to help her, but you can't because you don't know when you are going to be home. That is pretty fucking stressful.
But then it gets bad when you're bored, all of your coworkers are bored, and your NCOIC is bored, and EVERYBODY thrives on drama. Drama, and in the case of my NCO, mental abuse. He can't actually hit us, and I think this pains him to no end. But he beats the everloving shit out of us mentally. I know he could always be much worse... But I can say hands down that this man is the worst NCO I have ever seen in the US Army. And I can honestly say I have never, EVER felt the same way about any other NCOs I have worked with. I can actually say that I have had a few NCOs that I would gladly go to war with because I know that, no matter what, he always has my best interests in mind. At least whenever its possible. But this guy? Hell no.
So I live and work in Kuwait. I do my job, I eat at the DFAC, I sleep in an air conditioned room with one single roommate... and my life still manages to be shit. How in the fuck is this possible?
And how in the fuck can I get home? NOW?
I wish I could offer something more than my own anger at your situation, and the situations of so many like you. My dad was away all the time... I didn't get to know him until I was 7 because he was off doing things for the government - but at least he was doing something. I mean, I'm thankful that you're not in a hostile situation, but at the same time, it's rather silly to have you all there if it's doing nothing but causing frustration and temper flares. Frankly, I hope you guys don't see any action - I don't think any of you are mentally prepared for it, at this point. Particularly under the command of somebody you don't trust.
Not to extend this thinking too far into things I don't understand, but it seems like it makes sense that all the stupid shit going on over there - rape, abuse, etc - is going to happen with what a lot of you are exposed to. The waiting, I should think, makes people take it to extremes when something *does* happen. Not saying that you would do that, necessarily, or that the extremes are commonplace - I'm well aware of our skewed perceptions of what's going on, but it just seems to make psychological sense. There is a breaking point...
I hope you make it home, soon - for your sake, and your wife's. It's a situation I wouldn't wish on anybody, only having tasted a tiny portion of it...