durpa

So in less than a month i will be in utah for a year. i don't feel good right now; I ate too much salty chicken, i lounged around all day watching movies, and it's hot as fuck. it's true i dream impossible dreams, miss the few moments of the past, still confused about a lot that happen then, and my heart just comes to one place: Spring Valley. i don't know if it's because i was on 2 very intense relationships, or the things that just transpired from august 2004 through april 2006. how was i ever able to survive those four years in california? how did i get somewhere, was comfortable, on the beach front, with my bass, my korean sedan, and my concerts? i'm unable to sleep, and realize little by little that life fades away so quickly, people fade away, never see them again and you wonder why certain things happened if they didn't nearly last long enough; or all the sorrrow and emotional anguish endured left you no thicker skin? i fear for my future. i have no set path, i have nothing to my name, no feat accomplished, no thing to look for. i have imitations or substitues for everything i have imagined. i have a band but no shows or album, i have less than a fulfilling happy marriage, a shadow of a real job, a waning hunger to make dreams come true and a feeling of represion fills my hear, my mind is contaminated with anxiousness and unsettlement. i miss brazil so much. i feel so depressed. i don't know what to do. it sucks. looks like i'll never set foot there again. be able to partake things unique to that country. rest. forget my "american dreams" my toil my struggle, my unhappiness. my underachievement. i don't know if my big break will ever come, so i'll be able to straighten my situation. make myself happy. make others happy. fulfill myself. i've been ranting since 1998. maybe i'm incapable to do anything worthwhile. lasting. meaningful. people loathe me. they despise me. they hate me.