durpa

..........................well, my mom is still dying in brazil missing me and i hope she conjures a way to bring me back there for two months. i need a break from everything. i'm still stunned how much of a low point i've gotten and right before i really started smoothing things down financially. i will never forgive my father for as long as i live. i hope he fucking dies. 6 months in utah... i'm still alive. i figure it will be summertime when i leave here. mcdonalds cutting hours, it's snowing again, and i don't think i'll have money to pay rent. i don't have a nickel to my name. will have to start walking to work since i have no gas. i solved my problem with the mormon church, now i just need to finish my BYU application to close this matter once and for all. half of my life is over, since i figure i'm in the shit now, why would it change later? and what good will i be when im a 60 year old farting on myself on a steady diet of prescription medication? i'm losing my motivation for a lot of things...specially my bass i can't play freely and ambition overall toward life. i've been neck deep in shit for so long, i just feel like diving deep. i spend a lot of time daydreaming if i had billions of dollars and the things i would do with all that money. i know i'll probably live the rest of my life below the poverty level, but whatever gets me by. ive been reading books, sinc ei hate tv, dont have internet on my computer and i dont have a tv to watch my movies. spending time in a library is SLC makes me feel like a fucking homeless bum without nothing better to do. since the kind of people here look like the people that go to wal mart, i'm visually assaulted with the ugliest most unappealing people i've ever seen. oh, you my as well include these people on the kind of people that use public transportation. what can i say?? i'm worse then they are. walking around with broken framed glasses, i'm such a fucking nigger. what has happened with my life that i've gotten nowhere???? i float in a pool of my past mistakes (read: girls) and all other attempts to make my life better have failed. i imagine myself in such a better state than this, i'm ashamed and sad of myself. i don't even know what else to do. dont know what to do. i'm just an insensitive fuck to tessa, i'm impressed we didn't break up yesterday. right on valentine's day!! the flow of negativity has been great, and i can't push myself to be positive about anything and i just bitch and complain all the time. like ive said before.. once march hits i see santa claus. my year is gone like the wind.