REALITY SUCKS.
I hate the person I have become. I'm a terrible friend, a terrible girlfriend. And to be honest most of the time I don't even feel like much of a mom.
Every morning that I look in the mirror I hate what I see. Someone who lies, cheats and hurts the people closest to me. I wish I could blame it all on my fucked up childhood and the way my mom was/is with me. But I don't believe in that. I am responsible for my own actions. And if anything those things should make me a better person because I have seen what hurt that has done to people in the past. I don't know when I became this person. I haven't always been this way. I don't even really know why I am this way. Maybe that should be the goal. Once I can understand it than maybe I can do something to fix it. I have already destroyed the most important relationship in my life. I have hurt Brandon to an extreme that is unreal. To think that I am capable of inflicting that much pain on someone makes me physically ill.
I don't have the motivation to do much right now. I have lost my passion for anything. I just have to take the time to come to grips with reality.
I am off to write an email to Brandon. Just to close off the loose ends. Make sure that everything I feel is said. That way I will have no regrets about not letting him know.
I don't know what will happen with us. I have hurt and pushed him so far away I don't think I can ever get him back. I know that he can do better. And I know that he will find someone better. Probably soon. And as much as it hurts to think of him with someone else *which I will probably have to deal with soon also* all I ever truly wanted for him was for him to be happy. And I think that it has become apparant that I cannot be the one to give him that happiness. So if he finds someone else that will treat him the way he deserves to be treated, and make him happy than even though the pain will be unbearable, underneath it all I will be happy for him. He deserves it. But I know that he will be spending the day with that Melissa girl from work. And the thought of them together makes me so physically ill. But I guess now I know how it feels. That's Karma for ya.
My heart and soul are lost right now. And I am not sure where to look for them. I think I have to realize who I have been, who I am now, and who I want to be before I can reach that part of myself again.
Wish me luck with my soul transformation....it will be hard. I have already sustained heavy losses. But if I learn from it than it is ok. At least I can walk away from all of this with a new sense of myself. And maybe a little self appreciation and pride for once. I hope.
*kisses*
I hate the person I have become. I'm a terrible friend, a terrible girlfriend. And to be honest most of the time I don't even feel like much of a mom.
Every morning that I look in the mirror I hate what I see. Someone who lies, cheats and hurts the people closest to me. I wish I could blame it all on my fucked up childhood and the way my mom was/is with me. But I don't believe in that. I am responsible for my own actions. And if anything those things should make me a better person because I have seen what hurt that has done to people in the past. I don't know when I became this person. I haven't always been this way. I don't even really know why I am this way. Maybe that should be the goal. Once I can understand it than maybe I can do something to fix it. I have already destroyed the most important relationship in my life. I have hurt Brandon to an extreme that is unreal. To think that I am capable of inflicting that much pain on someone makes me physically ill.
I don't have the motivation to do much right now. I have lost my passion for anything. I just have to take the time to come to grips with reality.
I am off to write an email to Brandon. Just to close off the loose ends. Make sure that everything I feel is said. That way I will have no regrets about not letting him know.
I don't know what will happen with us. I have hurt and pushed him so far away I don't think I can ever get him back. I know that he can do better. And I know that he will find someone better. Probably soon. And as much as it hurts to think of him with someone else *which I will probably have to deal with soon also* all I ever truly wanted for him was for him to be happy. And I think that it has become apparant that I cannot be the one to give him that happiness. So if he finds someone else that will treat him the way he deserves to be treated, and make him happy than even though the pain will be unbearable, underneath it all I will be happy for him. He deserves it. But I know that he will be spending the day with that Melissa girl from work. And the thought of them together makes me so physically ill. But I guess now I know how it feels. That's Karma for ya.
My heart and soul are lost right now. And I am not sure where to look for them. I think I have to realize who I have been, who I am now, and who I want to be before I can reach that part of myself again.
Wish me luck with my soul transformation....it will be hard. I have already sustained heavy losses. But if I learn from it than it is ok. At least I can walk away from all of this with a new sense of myself. And maybe a little self appreciation and pride for once. I hope.
*kisses*
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Do what I always did when I was a kid growing up and was having a bad day. Go to the south point on Tubbs Hill and skip rocks or take the high trail to the small meadow that looks over the city. And when ever you go to Tubbs Hill you will want to take a book. It's a great stress reliever. Good luck.
And my bladder infection is KILLING me. My back hurts so bad. DAMNIT! I wish I had medical insurance grrrr....