(Cross-posted from my LJ)
It's going to be 2007, and 7 is my top favorite number (followed by thirteen and twenty-one). It's the year where I'll be having my second oral surgery ever. It's also when I'll be moving to a new place. I'll be pushing myself harder to progess towards my degree. It's going to be even more stressful than what I've done before. It's also gonna be all sorts of new beginnings.
This year I will lose 100 lbs. I won't try, I WILL do this. If I can't reach 100 lbs, it will be at least 80. I am 5'2" and I weigh a glorious 245 lbs. This is not okay in any way for my size. I should be between 130 and 150 at most. I will only forgive these numbers if it is obvious I weigh more because of muscle mass. Otherwise, I WILL be between 130 and 150 come this time next year.
I will stop using my health problems as an excuse not to do anything. I will suck it up and deal with the pain and not fall back on my pills every time to make myself feel better. I will exercise, I will climb that hill, I will go up those many flights of stairs, and deal with the pain. I won't avoid these things just because it will make my back and other bits hurt. Tough shit.
I will stop shying away from confrontation with my dad. I WILL stand up to him. I will tell him to fuck off if he over-steps his boundaries as a parent. I will no longer let him make me feel sorry for being the person I am today. I will warn him that he is on very thin ice with keeping any semblance of contact with me. I will no longer tolerate his ignorance and his bullshit. I am done holding my tongue around him. I will make this relationship into how I view it should be, not to how convenient it is for him.
I will stop holding my tongue when I think people are being idiots. I am tired of smiling and nodding around people that frankly get under my skin. If it costs me their friendship, oh well, I wasn't good enough friends with them anyway. I will stop faking it. I will be a blunt bitch if need be. I no longer want all these "friendships" that simply drag me down and ruin my moods. I will fix this.
I will stop worrying what others think. I will only care as to how I feel I look. I will stop fussing over my outfits, worrying what people will think, how that garment makes my ass look, how that shirt makes my back look. I will only worry over how it makes me feel. If the outfit makes me feel fat, I will not wear it. If the outfit makes me feel gross, I will not wear it. If it makes me feel good, no matter how many bright colors, patterns, and jewelry is involved, I WILL wear it. If someone else doesn't like it, fuck them, I'm the one wearing it, not them.
I will stop putting myself down so much. I will stop making fat comments about myself. I will stop saying that I would never be able to get laid, a boyfriend, that friendship, that job, whatever. I will be confident. I will know that I can get any person I want if the feelings are there. I will know that I can be friends with anyone. I will know I can get any job if I am qualified, which I am. I will not let my insecurities get the better of me. I will stop making bad comments about myself, I will stop holding back.
I will do all those firsts. I will stop putting them off. I WILL go to my first furry con; I WILL get my next two tattoos; I WILL do summer school; I WILL go to my first rave; I WILL learn to DJ. I will do everything I have been wanting to and I will stop putting it off until the next year. Next year may not come. I will do all these things I have been putting off year after year. I will not settle on some excuse of not having enough time or enough money. I WILL do these things, and more.
I will feel better about life. I will enjoy all the small things to their fullest. I will remember that everything gets better, and I won't just use this as some fake crutch for myself. I will believe it gets better and I will strive harder for it. I will learn to let go and not let all the bad things accumulate and make me feel like I'm stuck. I will no longer be constantly depressed with bouts of suicidal thoughts. I will be myself, and not some perky, cheerful thing people prefer to talk with.
I will be me. I will be better. I will change. I will be happy.
It's going to be 2007, and 7 is my top favorite number (followed by thirteen and twenty-one). It's the year where I'll be having my second oral surgery ever. It's also when I'll be moving to a new place. I'll be pushing myself harder to progess towards my degree. It's going to be even more stressful than what I've done before. It's also gonna be all sorts of new beginnings.
This year I will lose 100 lbs. I won't try, I WILL do this. If I can't reach 100 lbs, it will be at least 80. I am 5'2" and I weigh a glorious 245 lbs. This is not okay in any way for my size. I should be between 130 and 150 at most. I will only forgive these numbers if it is obvious I weigh more because of muscle mass. Otherwise, I WILL be between 130 and 150 come this time next year.
I will stop using my health problems as an excuse not to do anything. I will suck it up and deal with the pain and not fall back on my pills every time to make myself feel better. I will exercise, I will climb that hill, I will go up those many flights of stairs, and deal with the pain. I won't avoid these things just because it will make my back and other bits hurt. Tough shit.
I will stop shying away from confrontation with my dad. I WILL stand up to him. I will tell him to fuck off if he over-steps his boundaries as a parent. I will no longer let him make me feel sorry for being the person I am today. I will warn him that he is on very thin ice with keeping any semblance of contact with me. I will no longer tolerate his ignorance and his bullshit. I am done holding my tongue around him. I will make this relationship into how I view it should be, not to how convenient it is for him.
I will stop holding my tongue when I think people are being idiots. I am tired of smiling and nodding around people that frankly get under my skin. If it costs me their friendship, oh well, I wasn't good enough friends with them anyway. I will stop faking it. I will be a blunt bitch if need be. I no longer want all these "friendships" that simply drag me down and ruin my moods. I will fix this.
I will stop worrying what others think. I will only care as to how I feel I look. I will stop fussing over my outfits, worrying what people will think, how that garment makes my ass look, how that shirt makes my back look. I will only worry over how it makes me feel. If the outfit makes me feel fat, I will not wear it. If the outfit makes me feel gross, I will not wear it. If it makes me feel good, no matter how many bright colors, patterns, and jewelry is involved, I WILL wear it. If someone else doesn't like it, fuck them, I'm the one wearing it, not them.
I will stop putting myself down so much. I will stop making fat comments about myself. I will stop saying that I would never be able to get laid, a boyfriend, that friendship, that job, whatever. I will be confident. I will know that I can get any person I want if the feelings are there. I will know that I can be friends with anyone. I will know I can get any job if I am qualified, which I am. I will not let my insecurities get the better of me. I will stop making bad comments about myself, I will stop holding back.
I will do all those firsts. I will stop putting them off. I WILL go to my first furry con; I WILL get my next two tattoos; I WILL do summer school; I WILL go to my first rave; I WILL learn to DJ. I will do everything I have been wanting to and I will stop putting it off until the next year. Next year may not come. I will do all these things I have been putting off year after year. I will not settle on some excuse of not having enough time or enough money. I WILL do these things, and more.
I will feel better about life. I will enjoy all the small things to their fullest. I will remember that everything gets better, and I won't just use this as some fake crutch for myself. I will believe it gets better and I will strive harder for it. I will learn to let go and not let all the bad things accumulate and make me feel like I'm stuck. I will no longer be constantly depressed with bouts of suicidal thoughts. I will be myself, and not some perky, cheerful thing people prefer to talk with.
I will be me. I will be better. I will change. I will be happy.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
I'm on the East Coast, enjoying some stupidly mild winter weather (not complaining by any measure) and working my ass off.
We must exchange NZ stories. If you ever go back, I'll make sure you go to some places you'll REALLY enjoy. There's no tourist guide out there that can tell you the best haunts to hang out at.
Luthie
Also, i'm enjoying this mild winter too and going to school, I hope you're okay with animation classes :-)
Take care