drrn

This is going to be a very depressing entry. Almost nothing I'm about to say will mean anything to you, but I have to get a few things off my chest.

1. I'm pretty certain I'm an alcoholic. I don't want to drink. I really don't. My heart is screaming no and my body is saying yes. I think I'll finish what I have in the apartment and then start getting O'Douls or whatever that alcohol free kind is to try to ween myself off before the desire becomes a physical need.

2. I feel alone. I feel it almost all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm at a party or in a crowded classroom. I feel like everybody is distant and uncaring.

3. I feel like the majority of the people who claim to be my friends are only friends when it is convenient for them. I have feelings. Feelings that are easily hurt. I put in so much affection and I feel like I get nothing in return, like I'm emptier and more depressed than before. I'm running low and when I finally reach empty I don't know what I'll do.

4. I have a crush on a girl I've known for quite a while. I liked her the moment we first spoke. She was in a class of mine and we saw each other every day. We bonded faster than I ever thought was possible. She had a boyfriend at the time and I didn't tell her how I felt because I have no confidence and fear rejection almost as I do being alone. She used to be my muse, she was the source of all my inspiration. Then she moved to a different school in DC, I. That was two years ago, I've seen her only once or twice since then. She still calls me "dear" like we're close, like she still cares about me. Yet she never IMs me, barely responds to my IMs, never calls me, never visits, and claims she's too busy when I try to pick a date even though I know she's partying with friends from her new school. I feel like she's ignoring me and as much as I want to just forget about her, I can't. She's ingrained in my mind, so many little random things bring back memories of the good times we had. I don't know how to tell her without offending her in case this is all in my head. I don't know what to do. I love her, but I hate how she treats me.

5. I don't feel like I have a home. I have living places, but I don't feel like I belong. Even in the town in NJ where I grew up, where I lived for 10+ years, I feel out of place. I've lost touch with the people there. Old friends are strangers. I feel like I am a ghost from the town's past. It only feels like home late at night when there's no people around and even that is fading as my beloved Washington is being engulfed by the cancer of suburban sprawl. I only feel truly alive in the empty places... the swamps, the woods, the fields, the deserted streets. My only real home is a ghost world, a New Jersey stuck in time... a moment stuck in time. It's hard for me to get there except in the early morning hours under a moon which has witnessed the passing of all human history. I call my home Lenapehoking, the name the Lenape people called New Jersey before they were pushed out by the blind greed and conquest of the white race. A dead place named by a people no longer there in a tongue no longer spoken where it was born.

And don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I'm just profoundly sad and disappointed.


I'm going to chug my beer and run to class.
Any advice about what to do about the girl would be appreciated.