He walked into the large cavernous catholic church that was nearly empty at that time of night. Somwhere toward the front the figure of a man could be seen wearing all black, sitting over something and studying intently, seemingly undisturbed by the loud groaning of the heavy oak door. Our man quietly made his way over to the confession booth to rid himself of the things he had done over the last few years of his life. The priest did not move from his spot at the front of the church, so in an effort to make sure his presence was known our man coughed loudly and attempted to make as much noises as possible entering the dark enclosure, but the priest did not budge. Quietly he began to go over his script once more in his head, reviewing all the things that he had done since the last time he had sat in confession. He was not an extraordinary man in the sense that most people would think. His confessions were full of loves and lusts, envy, lies and even deception. Things that nearly every person does and regrets, then returns to church to have all the painful memories erased and absolved.
Just as our man was losing himself in his thoughts a voice came through the screen, "What are you here to confess my son?"
Slightly startled because he did not here the priest enter the booth our man replied, "it has been a long time since my last confession father and I have much to say." He then proceeded to tell stories of his life, decisions he made, loves he had and lost, and various other tales that I choose not to scribble down here because they are not what is important. In most cases the priest would give some canned response at the end about how if one is truely repentent then he will be resolved and so he should say 20 hail marys to show his devotion; however, a strikingly different thing happened. There was a long pause after our man finished speaking and he began to fear that he had really done something terrible, but then the voice came back.
"Do you regret these things you have done?"
"Yes I do father."
"Do you wish that you had never done them and been saved from the suffering?"
"Yes," he replied with a note of confusion at the tone of the voice.
"Why?"
"Well, because... I mean, they were sins and caused me pain and I...I shouldn't have done them."
"That is true, but you did do them and now you recognize them as things that were wrong. If you could relive those same situations, would you make different decisions?"
"I...I think so. I mean, of course I would if I knew what I know now."
"It fills me with such sadness to hear you say such things my son. You and all the others look at your sins and regret them. You dwell on them as a burden, then come to a place like this to unload it. You must recognize the burden as your own and accept it fully. You must grab the chain linking you to the burden and add more so that you are even more tightly secured to it. A life without history is no life at all. Suffering is at the heart of your very being. How boring would your existence be without suffering? These sins you regret are the things that shape you and make you who you are. They tell you that you lived! You want me to tell you that you are absolved and like the day you were born. You would lie on your death bed and ask me to erase your sins, erase your life, erase everything that makes you who you are. For what? To enter Heaven? Do you believe that the one who is willing to give up an entire lifetime of experiences for the sake of a static infinity is worthy of heaven? How can you even conceive of what a paradise must be like when everything that makes you, you is erased? If this is what you want, then i call you a coward and not worthy of such an afterlife. I call you a waste and would rather give you what you want by simply making you disappear from the memories of all that have encountered you because of your disregard of this gift you have been given. A man once said that you must take your life, as it stands, with all its mistakes and imperfections, you must embrace it and affirm it. You must take your life and scream from the mountain top that you would will it to recur forever. That you would not change even a single detail and live this exact life over and over again. Do you understand what I am saying? I cannot and will not absolve you. I will only tell you to go out and affirm. If your life was a novel, would you read it? Would you care? Ask yourself this everyday."
Then there was silence. Our man sat there speechless for a moment and when he realised that there was nothing more to be said he walked out of the booth. Looking back to the front of the church he saw the priest sitting in the exact position that he had been in before our man went into the booth. Curious, our man walked to the front of the church and saw that the priest was not studying intently. Instead he had fallen asleep over the bible and looked as though he had been that way for quite some time. Our man furrowed his brow in confusion at what had just transpired. Not wanting to wake the priest he looked up at the large depiction of crucified Jesus, crossed himself and then quietly made his way out of the church with a heavier heart than he had gone in with, but also with a revaluation of things and a smile on his face...
Just as our man was losing himself in his thoughts a voice came through the screen, "What are you here to confess my son?"
Slightly startled because he did not here the priest enter the booth our man replied, "it has been a long time since my last confession father and I have much to say." He then proceeded to tell stories of his life, decisions he made, loves he had and lost, and various other tales that I choose not to scribble down here because they are not what is important. In most cases the priest would give some canned response at the end about how if one is truely repentent then he will be resolved and so he should say 20 hail marys to show his devotion; however, a strikingly different thing happened. There was a long pause after our man finished speaking and he began to fear that he had really done something terrible, but then the voice came back.
"Do you regret these things you have done?"
"Yes I do father."
"Do you wish that you had never done them and been saved from the suffering?"
"Yes," he replied with a note of confusion at the tone of the voice.
"Why?"
"Well, because... I mean, they were sins and caused me pain and I...I shouldn't have done them."
"That is true, but you did do them and now you recognize them as things that were wrong. If you could relive those same situations, would you make different decisions?"
"I...I think so. I mean, of course I would if I knew what I know now."
"It fills me with such sadness to hear you say such things my son. You and all the others look at your sins and regret them. You dwell on them as a burden, then come to a place like this to unload it. You must recognize the burden as your own and accept it fully. You must grab the chain linking you to the burden and add more so that you are even more tightly secured to it. A life without history is no life at all. Suffering is at the heart of your very being. How boring would your existence be without suffering? These sins you regret are the things that shape you and make you who you are. They tell you that you lived! You want me to tell you that you are absolved and like the day you were born. You would lie on your death bed and ask me to erase your sins, erase your life, erase everything that makes you who you are. For what? To enter Heaven? Do you believe that the one who is willing to give up an entire lifetime of experiences for the sake of a static infinity is worthy of heaven? How can you even conceive of what a paradise must be like when everything that makes you, you is erased? If this is what you want, then i call you a coward and not worthy of such an afterlife. I call you a waste and would rather give you what you want by simply making you disappear from the memories of all that have encountered you because of your disregard of this gift you have been given. A man once said that you must take your life, as it stands, with all its mistakes and imperfections, you must embrace it and affirm it. You must take your life and scream from the mountain top that you would will it to recur forever. That you would not change even a single detail and live this exact life over and over again. Do you understand what I am saying? I cannot and will not absolve you. I will only tell you to go out and affirm. If your life was a novel, would you read it? Would you care? Ask yourself this everyday."
Then there was silence. Our man sat there speechless for a moment and when he realised that there was nothing more to be said he walked out of the booth. Looking back to the front of the church he saw the priest sitting in the exact position that he had been in before our man went into the booth. Curious, our man walked to the front of the church and saw that the priest was not studying intently. Instead he had fallen asleep over the bible and looked as though he had been that way for quite some time. Our man furrowed his brow in confusion at what had just transpired. Not wanting to wake the priest he looked up at the large depiction of crucified Jesus, crossed himself and then quietly made his way out of the church with a heavier heart than he had gone in with, but also with a revaluation of things and a smile on his face...