A few things caught my attention today that have really bothered me. The first is a recent post by the wonderful @lillynoize about receiving unwanted DMs of a sexual nature. I've had a few wonderful and too brief chats with lillynoize and I really like her. She had made it clear on her page about what kind of modeling she enjoys, and what kind she's not interested in. It goes without saying that people's boundaries should be respected. And I'm saying this as a "perv." I will joyously sext and dick pic you all day if that's what you want. And if you don't want it I will happily talk about what kind of cake you want for your birthday or let you talk about your anxiety. Or if you have zero interest in talking to me, I won't do anything but leave you alone. I love people, and I have always gotten along with women better than men, and probably a lot of men here have the same experience.
Another item that stirred me up was a warning about working with a predatory photographer here. I think this was yesterday. One of the reasons I love SG is that it at its best it's a protected area where women are able to express themselves through modeling in an artistic and/or sexual, sensual way without the gross misogyny of the internet at large. Generally I think the majority of people here are a self selecting group of open minded, cool people, who need a refuge from the mainstream repressive world we're forced to exist in. I got into a surprising argument over the weekend when I was at dinner at a couple's house for dinner. I really like them. They are adventurous to the extreme and crazy good athletes. But they are also incredibly encouraging to beginners. So it was shocking to me when the woman I adored suddenly started talking negatively about people, though she was really talking about women, with tattoos, piercings, and even dyed hair. It's fine to be vanilla, we all have our own desires and aesthetic preferences, and I would feel the same way had a tattooed, pierced, hair-dyed friend started bad mouthing vanilla couples. But what bothered me intensely was that she'd say things like, "Why don't you just be unique on the inside?" The subtext of everything she was saying, which her husband was largely nodding along to, was that if you have tattoos, piercings, blue hair, whatever, that the reason you have those things is because you don't have anything to offer beyond that.
I was visibly shaking with a combination of sadness and anger. I didn't want to explode, so I took a breath and let it be known that I disagreed strongly, and that while I don't have tattoos, piercings, or dyed hair, that she was dismissing the only community I've ever felt welcome in. And that even though I don't look like I belong, my appearance has never mattered to anyone in the community. It made the rest of the dinner slightly awkward, but it wasn't my fault.
So when a member of this community is subjected to unwanted messages, or the victim of a sleazy photographer, from within the community, I'm particularly upset and at a loss. I'm a straight, white, male, pervert, and I want everyone to feel safe and fulfilled. And I know there's a lot of men who look and act just like me, and who are disgusting assholes. I feel terrible about that and I don't know what to do. So if you know, please tell me. And I'm not perfect, I'm not absolving myself or saying #notallpervs or whatever. I just want to acknowledge this issue and be upfront about it with everyone here, the community I love.
