drbensina

She wants to be friends now.

Four days ago, she was telling me that she never wanted to speak to me, ever again. She wanted me out of her life completely.

Now, she's calling every twenty minutes, sending me an IM whenever she sees me online (which is quite often)... and this comes a day after I realize just how much she hurt me.

And, for some reason, I feel guilty, like I owe her my friendship after 7 years. Even though she patronized me every day, told me constantly how much she hated my friends, and tried to "help" me fit her little mold for what I should be.

Knowing all of that, I still find myself unable to tell her, "No, I don't want to be your friend. You have done nothing but hurt me for over a year, and you are continuing to do so just by your presence in my life. Please, hang up the phone and stop calling here."

I really wish I was an asshole. I do. I want to be the man who could tell her to go fuck herself, but I can't. Whenever I hear her voice, I'm still her weak little boy that she can command and play with at her whim. And it makes me ashamed of myself. I hate it. I vowed I wouldn't let myself feel this way again, and here I am.