drano

So tonight I was out watching football and everyone I was with left after the Colts game. The bar had an irish guy doing random songs with his guitar which was great but I felt a sudden weakness. The key of the song, the leaving of the friends, the sudden isolation all got to me. Then the memory kicked in. Sure it's been 2 years now since everything fell apart. She's long gone, the promise of owning that house long passed on to somebody else now, but it all caught up to me. Sure I thought I could be steadfast in my belief that I don't need anyone else, that family and friends are all that I need, but for some odd reason that whole microcosm that I thought I could safely exist in left me tonight. Alone, long at the end of the bar, 4 empty seats isolating me from the nearest patron, even that short distance felt like millions of endless miles from the nearest safe haven. I've always known that I would have moments, but lately they seem to be increasing. A great longing for the security that I once thought I could forever take solace in. I still doubt that this void can someday be filled in, nurtured by somebody who could equally share what I for so long have sought to give in return.

I will just return to my apartment, turn on the television, perhaps grab a drink and isolate myself from the true feelings I harbor inside. Bury them in some scheme to fool myself into thinking that I need nobody there to guide me, nobody to complete myself and liberate me from these chains. I'll just keep fooling myself.