losing my perceptions even now. still trying to learn.. relearn how to let go of things that i still seem to want.. despite how much damage they.. it seems to do to me.
lose myself in distractions.. or try to anyway.
Behold the power of NEW.
keep waiting for something to be different.
romance is just about dead. comparisons paling. impaling. but i can't have that again. THAT is not a viable option. i know this. yet it still leaves me wanting.
and that makes me keep all of my pain in full view. keep gripping it in my tired, mangled, and bleeding hand... just to remind me of why i can't.
odd quirks:
i set an alarm clock even when i have nowhere to be. fears of missing something important.. like life.
i wonder if i became a night person solely out of a childhood fear of the dark... when bad things come out.. i had nightmares of being killed in my sleep when i was 5..
i seem to sleep better in daylight... which i had attributed to my being a cat.. curling up in a sunspot and all.. but perhaps it is when i can finally relax... let my guard down. the sun comes up and suddenly it is safe to sleep.
random theories.. ponderings of the past couple of months. haven't liked my wording as much lately.. need to write more. need to carry a notebook with me... need a machine to transcribe my thoughts.. my hand grows weary of writing at odd angles. and i keep losing pens.
lose myself in distractions.. or try to anyway.
Behold the power of NEW.
keep waiting for something to be different.
romance is just about dead. comparisons paling. impaling. but i can't have that again. THAT is not a viable option. i know this. yet it still leaves me wanting.
and that makes me keep all of my pain in full view. keep gripping it in my tired, mangled, and bleeding hand... just to remind me of why i can't.
odd quirks:
i set an alarm clock even when i have nowhere to be. fears of missing something important.. like life.
i wonder if i became a night person solely out of a childhood fear of the dark... when bad things come out.. i had nightmares of being killed in my sleep when i was 5..
i seem to sleep better in daylight... which i had attributed to my being a cat.. curling up in a sunspot and all.. but perhaps it is when i can finally relax... let my guard down. the sun comes up and suddenly it is safe to sleep.
random theories.. ponderings of the past couple of months. haven't liked my wording as much lately.. need to write more. need to carry a notebook with me... need a machine to transcribe my thoughts.. my hand grows weary of writing at odd angles. and i keep losing pens.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
I think night-fears lurk in the backgrounds of most of insomniacs. I had my first all nighter when i was nine, after playing at a friend's house. Her parents were groundskeepers for a cemetery. Dark country roads being what they are, i was certain something or Something had followed us on the drive home. Kept waiting for a face in the window until the sun rose. Even now, i think, even knowing its irrational...yeah.
My friends and I have always said the,"I'm a strong black woman". Guess it's universal linkage.