dragonflycq

I had Friday, Saturday, and Monday off from work. I got a lot done around the house, but I didn't go out. Not even to the Rock & Roll Burlesque show that I wanted to go to.

I've been very anti-social lately. I don't know why. I'll want to go out places, then when the time comes to get ready and go, I'll talk myself out of it and into staying in, making dinner, and watching a movie with the cats on the couch. Is it because I know I seriously can't afford to go? Is it because I don't really drink anymore? Is it because I feel like I don't have a single best girl friend who's into the same things I am, and would make accompaning me to these shindigs not so lonely? Is it because I'm afraid I'll meet someone else while I'm out? Is it because I'm stuck in knowing what direction to take in my life, so I'd rather not waste it milling around trying to be happy and entertaining myself?

I don't know.

I've had a lot of really weird dreams lately. Like, 'Big Fish'/ 'Gulliver's Travel's' type tall tale dreams. And I've had a lot of inner monologue going on. Yesterday, I felt like I could have written 30 pages worth of journal entry in the time it took me to get a shower, go to Target, and go to Kroger to get scallops to make for dinner.

A snipet. I'll leave out all the self doubt, self actualizing, and 'wonderings' about 'him'-

The day started off with no music. No sound. Just myself talking to the cats. Kind of odd for someone whose life revolves around music. And as I got in my car to run my errands, I turned the radio off as well...

It was too bright at Target, and I felt every pair of eyes peruse me when I walked by dressed in all black as usual. Then came the lightning and thunder; I wished I were at home on my front porch watching the coming rain. Instead I could hear it start on one end of the buildings metal roof and envelope all of the sound around me. It got strangely quiet in there except for the over powering calmness of the hard rain on tin roof. No one spoke. I didn't hear any beeping of the cash register scanners. I took my time in finding a new wallet planner-mine is due to run out this month, and instead of buying new pages, I take it as an opportunity to clean house and see how I have too many credit cards...

I love the hue the world takes on after a thunderstorm in the evening. You know there's still sun out behind the dark grey, so the leaves take up the slack and glow bright green with the energy they soaked in all day. Turning the world into a crisp but hazy mist...

I love the U-Scan isles at Kroger. Not because it's quick, but because It means I don't have to talk to anybody. I got my scallops, past by the wine, grabbed a canister of my favorite Raspberry Tea Crystal Light, and scanned my way out. As I was leaving, a little girl with blonde hair, dressed in all black almost ran me over. She yelled an enthusiastic, "HI!" at me as she ran by. I smiled at the irony of the situation and chuckled on my way out realizing I had still left without having to talk to anybody...

The rain had picked up again slightly, and it felt cold and inviting on my head. I got in the car, wiped off my glasses and said to myself, if I weren't so damn hungry, I'd have to go play in the rain.





I think I may have to start writing again.