Dating
I dont date any more.
Its not that Im attached, or have any aversion to the opposite sex. Far from it Women obsess me - I have a constant, aching craving for a mate. Hell, I think I may even be leering constantly, but I just cant help myself.
The thing is, Im utterly, absolutely, positively useless when it comes to dating.
Im smart (official IQ is 168 - I once took the Mensa test while drunk as a skunk and passed with plenty of room to spare), Im sensitive to the opinions of others (and -usually- not hesitant to express my own), I cook (quite well, Im told), I do my own laundry (mostly), I pay my bills on time (though I occasionally forget one), Im a vegetarian (for over five years now), Im environmentally conscious (I dont own a car any more, or even a valid license), and I --want-- to commit to a relationship.
On the other hand, Im not beautiful (though Im in decent shape for a 37-year-old), and Im not rich (though I have a six-digit income), and I tend to be blunt (because I honestly didnt realize Id offend), and I am terminally shy around people I dont know in social situations (though Im just fine at work), but whenever Ive found a woman I really cared about Ive lost her.
Sucks to be me
My friends seem to not quite know how to deal with my permanant singleness. Most of them react like its a terminal illness - they refuse to acknowledge it and simply exclude me routinely from couples only social activities, perhaps fearing that a rogue male in a roomful of pairs will be an uncomfortable situation; either for me or for their friends.
Others treat me like Im crippled - they sympathize and try to console. If I hear "plenty of fish..." again, I may have to answer to a homicide charge. "Sorry yer honor, but he needed killin."
While their intentions may be good, I think its just a way of sweeping my lifestyle under the rug so that they dont have to consider what life might be like for them were they in the same place. It took me a long time to understand that most people are absolutely terrified of being alone, and find my personal status frightening. Some even question why I choose to live like this
Like I have a choice
A few (three, in fact), actually tried to set me up with a date --- willing to acknowledge that being alone is not a good thing, and willing to risk some amount of personal accountability by putting two single people in the same space.
Still didnt lead to anything. Like I said, Im useless at dating, and my tongue-tied responses to conversation pretty much doomed the encounters from the first. I suppose my friends, used to my easy blathering, just assumed that Id be able to carry on with the same depth of conversation that I have with them
Uh Nope Brain freeze...
I guess they should have warned her that --- He needs someone to draw him out. Hes a good guy whos been by himself a bit too long." Then again, maybe they did...
Equally frustrating were the Internet connections with women where things might have worked, but for geographic incompatibility --- an ugly side effect of this distributed world we live in. Inevitably, neither of us could relocate without loosing an income --- which wasn't gonna happen.
I hate being an adult
See, it always took me a while to feel even basically comfortable with someone new. I needed to --know-- that she wouldn't say youre unattractive, I have a terminal illness, or "wanna see my daddy's chainsaw collection" before I will let myself open up.
So I clamed up. It wasn't intentional. In those moments I -really- had nothing to say. In retrospect, it was really frustrating, though it didn't feel like that at the time. My head was just empty. La de da de da...
Fuck.
So, I only really fell for women I'd known well. Of course, that also meant that by the time I was comfortable enough with her to want to take things further, Id already descended into their friend zone, which meant, from their perspective, that I was no longer suitable as a mate - just as a person they could express their innermost feelings to without any concern for how that might affect me. I may have wanted to hold, to comfort, to caress, to love --- but it wasn't in the cards. So I let it go.
Fuck!
Dont get me wrong. I dont begrudge those who are close to me, They simply didn't understand how I felt, or dont know how to deal with it.
Aw fuck
There are three billion women in this world. Probably out there somewhere is the right one for me. But I don't date any more, so fuck it.
I dont date any more.
Its not that Im attached, or have any aversion to the opposite sex. Far from it Women obsess me - I have a constant, aching craving for a mate. Hell, I think I may even be leering constantly, but I just cant help myself.
The thing is, Im utterly, absolutely, positively useless when it comes to dating.
Im smart (official IQ is 168 - I once took the Mensa test while drunk as a skunk and passed with plenty of room to spare), Im sensitive to the opinions of others (and -usually- not hesitant to express my own), I cook (quite well, Im told), I do my own laundry (mostly), I pay my bills on time (though I occasionally forget one), Im a vegetarian (for over five years now), Im environmentally conscious (I dont own a car any more, or even a valid license), and I --want-- to commit to a relationship.
On the other hand, Im not beautiful (though Im in decent shape for a 37-year-old), and Im not rich (though I have a six-digit income), and I tend to be blunt (because I honestly didnt realize Id offend), and I am terminally shy around people I dont know in social situations (though Im just fine at work), but whenever Ive found a woman I really cared about Ive lost her.
Sucks to be me
My friends seem to not quite know how to deal with my permanant singleness. Most of them react like its a terminal illness - they refuse to acknowledge it and simply exclude me routinely from couples only social activities, perhaps fearing that a rogue male in a roomful of pairs will be an uncomfortable situation; either for me or for their friends.
Others treat me like Im crippled - they sympathize and try to console. If I hear "plenty of fish..." again, I may have to answer to a homicide charge. "Sorry yer honor, but he needed killin."
While their intentions may be good, I think its just a way of sweeping my lifestyle under the rug so that they dont have to consider what life might be like for them were they in the same place. It took me a long time to understand that most people are absolutely terrified of being alone, and find my personal status frightening. Some even question why I choose to live like this
Like I have a choice
A few (three, in fact), actually tried to set me up with a date --- willing to acknowledge that being alone is not a good thing, and willing to risk some amount of personal accountability by putting two single people in the same space.
Still didnt lead to anything. Like I said, Im useless at dating, and my tongue-tied responses to conversation pretty much doomed the encounters from the first. I suppose my friends, used to my easy blathering, just assumed that Id be able to carry on with the same depth of conversation that I have with them
Uh Nope Brain freeze...
I guess they should have warned her that --- He needs someone to draw him out. Hes a good guy whos been by himself a bit too long." Then again, maybe they did...
Equally frustrating were the Internet connections with women where things might have worked, but for geographic incompatibility --- an ugly side effect of this distributed world we live in. Inevitably, neither of us could relocate without loosing an income --- which wasn't gonna happen.
I hate being an adult
See, it always took me a while to feel even basically comfortable with someone new. I needed to --know-- that she wouldn't say youre unattractive, I have a terminal illness, or "wanna see my daddy's chainsaw collection" before I will let myself open up.
So I clamed up. It wasn't intentional. In those moments I -really- had nothing to say. In retrospect, it was really frustrating, though it didn't feel like that at the time. My head was just empty. La de da de da...
Fuck.
So, I only really fell for women I'd known well. Of course, that also meant that by the time I was comfortable enough with her to want to take things further, Id already descended into their friend zone, which meant, from their perspective, that I was no longer suitable as a mate - just as a person they could express their innermost feelings to without any concern for how that might affect me. I may have wanted to hold, to comfort, to caress, to love --- but it wasn't in the cards. So I let it go.
Fuck!
Dont get me wrong. I dont begrudge those who are close to me, They simply didn't understand how I felt, or dont know how to deal with it.
Aw fuck
There are three billion women in this world. Probably out there somewhere is the right one for me. But I don't date any more, so fuck it.
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[Edited on Jun 18, 2003]