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dragan3

Norfolk, Uk or where ever the RAF say

Member Since 2017

Followers 255 Following 4287

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A part of a story I started many years ago should I go back and finish it?

Oct 4, 2017
8
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I entered the church it was old even by English standards. I slowly made my way between the oak pews the smell of hundreds of years of polishing first with wax then later the acrid stench of man made chemicals. The lingering scent of those that have walked this sacred space before me brushed my senses, men women and children.

I lowered my self into a pew in the shade provided by the bulk of a pillar. Lost in my thoughts I pictured this place and wind back the years to the time I first came here when I was a mortal man. The great oak and stone ring that made the temple to the gods that once stood here alive with the chants and dancing of ancient peoples, my people.

My reveree was broken by a mans voice it spoke softly as if not truly wanting to disturb me "Sir, have you come to make confession?"

I know not what came over me I looked him in the eye he appeared to be my elder though as they say looks can be deceiving "father I have dined to much for forgiveness, for I have murdered and stolen many times" to say he was shocked would have been an understatement, his eyes showing worry that I may not be all there "you jest sir do you think it funny to say such things to a priest?" He started to slowly back away. Faster than he could have imagined I had him pinned to the pillar "I have killed for thirty centuries I have stolen other men's lives so I could continue to exist" I pushed him to the floor, the terror in his eyes as he looked upon my visage all pretence at humanity gone, my eyes red like fire my fangs extended I lunged forward as he ran. Suddenly I began to laugh all anger fled from me all hunger with it I have not truely need to feed for many years. Light slowly crept into his eyes as he realised he was not going to die. Using all my gifts I vanished from the church leaving him to wonder what happened and did I truely exist.

The vow I had made those long centuries past to my sire still held, though a monster I was I would still protect humanity from itself and those creatures of the night.

VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
dragan3:
No idea it originally started as a short towards we doing my English so I could go for commission 
Oct 6, 2017
gi1martin:
K here’s my verdict (published writer and freelance editor). 1) for the sweet love of Jesus deploy your commas man! 2) if you’re hitting the niche market like forums or what not, then all you need is editing, like the aforementioned commas, but also re-check the story, for example; there’s a bit in there were the vampire pushes homie to the floor and then like five words later is chasing him, even a little addition like ‘he quickly scrambled to his feet’ would go a long way for clarity. If you want advice for potentially selling it DM me.
Oct 7, 2017

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