I just don't know anymore. I feel like I am a burden on my parents, but I don't have the ability to move out. This has led to some serious depression on my part. I contemplate suicide every day. It is becoming so severe that it is all I think about. I really like you guys, and wanted to warn you thet you might not talk to me anymore, because of things I might do. I really don't know what I am going to do. I want to graduate from college and move out, but I don't think I have the will power to do it. I feel as if it doesn't matter what I do, I am always going to be a burden on my parents somehow. Even if I do move out of here, get a good paying job, and find someone to be with, I am still going to probably fuck it all up somehow and have to move back in. If anybody has any sugesstions on this I would love to hear your opinions.
In other news, I don't think I will be getting my tattoo, or at least not yet, as if I do get an expensive tattoo, I won't have any money for anything else. Instead, I think I will put it away for when I get the hell out of here. I am sick of everything. I know I am in desperate need of some counseling, but I don't have any money for it. I can afford the meds, because my father has some awesome insurance, (there I go again, depending on my parents) and hopefully I can get behind a purpose instead of wallowing in my own bad thoughts every day. I have been trying to get in a routine, showering every day, practicing my euphonium everyday, but it is not working. I have the suicide thoughts nevertheless. I just don't have a purpose in this life. I am a hole in the world.
EDIT!!!! Here's some new information for you all. As of when I am writing this, I have learned that in September when I get my school loan money, I get to have the PLEASURE of moving out on my own. More like getting kicked out. Now I really don't know what to do. I have some razors, and it would be the simplest thing in the world to just cut my wrists. Then it will all stop. My parents will finally know the pain they have put me through, and will have to live with finding my lifeless body. I will have the last laugh as they are plunged into depression knowing it was something they did that drove me over the edge.
Anyone around here need a room mate?
In other news, I don't think I will be getting my tattoo, or at least not yet, as if I do get an expensive tattoo, I won't have any money for anything else. Instead, I think I will put it away for when I get the hell out of here. I am sick of everything. I know I am in desperate need of some counseling, but I don't have any money for it. I can afford the meds, because my father has some awesome insurance, (there I go again, depending on my parents) and hopefully I can get behind a purpose instead of wallowing in my own bad thoughts every day. I have been trying to get in a routine, showering every day, practicing my euphonium everyday, but it is not working. I have the suicide thoughts nevertheless. I just don't have a purpose in this life. I am a hole in the world.
EDIT!!!! Here's some new information for you all. As of when I am writing this, I have learned that in September when I get my school loan money, I get to have the PLEASURE of moving out on my own. More like getting kicked out. Now I really don't know what to do. I have some razors, and it would be the simplest thing in the world to just cut my wrists. Then it will all stop. My parents will finally know the pain they have put me through, and will have to live with finding my lifeless body. I will have the last laugh as they are plunged into depression knowing it was something they did that drove me over the edge.
Anyone around here need a room mate?
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My boyfriend tried committing suicide once. When he was 15, he hung himself in his back yard off of a tree. Luckily, it didn't break his neck and his dad found him before he died. The hospital ended up putting him in a mental institution for 2 weeks. He's only told me about it once before, and everything just sounded so fucked up. Point is, he got his shit together, and now he's doing fine. You're only 20. Don't be so hard on yourself.
I still live with my mom too.
Just remember people that care are always around...
Dont give in to suicide...Its not a good way to go..
I lost my 13 year old sister to it...
It hurts a lot more people then you could ever imagine..
Things will turn out for the better..Just keep going..Things will straighten out