dr_u

BUSH DETERMINED TO PLAN NEXT CATASTROPHE


Will Be 'Catastrophic Success,' Says President

by Andy Borowitz

In a nationally televised address, President George W. Bush
said that Hurricane Katrina had taken him by surprise but promised the
American people, "As long as I sit in this chair, all future
catastrophes will be planned by me."

Attempting to reassure the country that he had a firm hand on the ship
of state, the president said, "If there is going to be a tremendous
disaster that impacts thousands or millions of American lives, then it is
going to happen on my schedule and on my terms."

Backing up his rhetoric with action, the president said he was going to
make disasters a top priority of his administration by creating a
Cabinet-level post, tentatively called Secretary of Catastrophe.

"It will be the Secretary of Catastrophe's job to devise, plan, and
implement all major disasters going forward," the president said.

While Mr. Bush did not indicate whether the next catastrophe would be
of an economic, foreign policy or ecological nature, he concluded with
this promise: "The White House will plan the next catastrophe and it
will be a catastrophic success."

But according to Dr. Ivan Peslow of the University of Minnesota, the
creation of a Secretary of Catastrophe, while well-intended, may result
in an unnecessary level of bureaucracy.

"The president has a lot of manpower, such as Donald Rumsfeld,
Condoleezza Rice and Michael Chertoff, who are already creating catastrophes on
more or less a full-time basis," Dr. Peslow said.

Elsewhere, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts said that an American's
right to privacy should include not having to answer questions before
the Senate Judiciary Committee.