I've been stupid for the girlie bits since I was 14 and let a girl named Karla convince me to ditch mastering the Pythagorean Theorem in Algebra class to smoke and stick my pecker in her honey pot. While I did master the mystery of finding the little man in the boat thanks to her, to this day I have no idea why Pythagoras decided to make a theorem and only have a cursory knowledge of what a theorem actually is.
The point is that as a teenager my judgment was clouded by raging hormones and the desire to get high. I'm not sure if age and time have tempered my judgment much but to this day when I hear from others tales of teenage wisdom gone awry I am never completely shocked. Which is why I was never taken aback at the news coming out of Minnesota about the group of teens who tried to steal beer by distracting the clerks by having one of the criminal masterminds wear just a mask and dance a hula. Surprising to none, the clerks didn't give the spectacle a second thought and went right about their work and when the beer pilferer rushed past with the stolen goods, they quickly phoned the police. The trio was caught and face numerous charges as well they should because everyone knows you can't distract third shift workers with naked hula dancing, you have to do the running man or the sprinkler. My friends and I pulled a similar prank back in the nineties and got away with more than a case of beer because we had the good sense to make the naked person female, which is far more distracting and less likely to have the police called on them. It's actually a good thing the police caught them as quickly as they did as it will hopefully cut down on copy cat crimes.
There must be something in the water in Minnesota because that happens to be where now former Iowa Senator Larry Craig was busted trolling for gay sex in an airport bathroom. Having briefly worked at an airport I'm not at all surprised that these types of shenanigans would go on there as we would routinely find evidence of sexual dalliances in the bathrooms, especially the handicap ones. I figure it has to do with all the alcohol and drugs consumed prior to flight combined with flight delays. After watching the story on "Countdown with Keith Olberman" I feel that I now know way too much about soliciting random gay sex in men's bathrooms. So to recap, thanks to television I'm now an expert on soliciting gay sex in airports yet clueless as to the workings of the Pythagorean Theorem. Thanks public school system!
Speaking of things I'm too much of an expert on, can someone tell the media that they can stop playing Miss Teen Carolina fumble through the answer on why only one in five Americans can find the United states on the map? I think we get the point that sometimes pretty teenage blonde girls are dumb. Although she butchered her answer, in a way she was correct; many schools in this country are woefully under funded and overcrowded. Many times teachers are so busy trying to keep order in these glorified playpens we term classrooms that there is little time to make sure everyone learns the basics. Besides there are so many people who will never leave the town they grew up in it is doubtful they will ever actually have to look at a map.
The real reason that this is such a big story is that little else is going on in America. Other than the hundreds wounded in an unjust war in Iraq everyday, the media has nothing to do. So why not latch on to an opportunity to make fun of a pretty girl that growing up would have never talked to you growing up. The story helps illustrate that in America you don't actually have to be literate and well spoken to be successful, just reasonably attractive. Miss Teen Carolina went on to do tons of interviews this week and pretty much came out of this as the winner even though she didn't win the title of Miss Teen USA. I'm sure she'll go on to college and have a wonderful time pledging a sorority with girls just as vapid as she. Perhaps this will all go full circle and she'll have to participate in a prank where theyll be forced to rob a service station. Here's hoping she'll be smart enough to suggest a grab and dash, though if she gets another fifteen minutes of fame for doing a naked hula in a Circle K, I won't be surprised. I'll be saddened, but not surprised.