The biggest thing in pop culture last week was a Disney channel movie called "High School Musical 2". According to a bunch of media outlets it was the highest rated show in the history of cable television since Monday Night Football moved to ESPN. It is this musical starring the new Tiger Beat poster boy Zach Effran. For those of you not a part of the tween set Effran is apparently this generation's David Cassidy. While I didn't actually watch this since I'm kind of out of their demographic, people are applauding since it is on the verge of becoming its own full scale media circus. The text loving kids refer to it by its initials HSM2 but I don't advise anyone near the legal drinking age to do the same, unless you want 12 year olds mocking you. The movie was so friggin' wholesome and milquetoast it made "Saved by the Bell" look like "Debbie Does Dallas". The teens in the film didn't drink, smoke or even indicate that they had even heard of sex or drugs. I have no clue how they stretched a teen movie without sex or drugs a whole two hours. Critics say that this proves that America's teens are far more moral and upstanding than our generation ever was but I suspect that they just haven't learned how to steal wine coolers out of convenience stores.
Since the teens apparently aren't having the sex and taking the drugs as often as they used to there is apparently a new group picking up the slack, old people. Some study came out this week that said that of those that are physically the vast majority of Americans are engaging in sex well into their 80's, including oral. This is all thanks in large part to the multitude of pills on the market like Viagra and Cialis of course, and the fact that people are taking better care of themselves and are more active for far longer than they used to be. For those not vomiting in the back of their throats at the thought of all that aged wrinkly skin flapping and rubbing up against each other in a vain attempt to stay young let me say this, you are stronger than I. Aside from the awful cringe of disgust that courses through my body whenever I think about this, I worry that with all these old people having sex there will be an increase in hip replacements and back injuries.
On the advice of my father, and against my better judgment, I started winding things down with my "FWB" I'm going to miss my "benefits package" but I believe it's the only way the two of us have a chance at finding genuine loving relationships. Besides, she was just a chubby chaser and I'm trying to drop some weight so she was going to lose interest if I was successful.
I have to say that this was one of the few times I've taken my father's advice, as he's notorious for giving awful advice, but it's obvious that the relationship has run its course and I suppose as Wesley Snipes once said, "the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then". He wants me to judge suitors by their ability to help me financially and I'm thinking since when did I have to aspire to become a trophy wife? If being a gigolo didn't work out for "Diamond" David Lee Roth or Richard Gere, why would it work for me? Although if any nymphomaniac super models with a bunch of gift certificates to Crate and Barrel are interested, I enjoy moonlit strolls on the beach and Brussels sprouts.
The question I now face is how to end it without any hard feelings or more importantly, property damage. It's bad enough we won't be FWBs anymore but having to pay for a new car window on top of it all seems cruel. I would try fixing her up with one of my other friends, but that is just a surefire way to end the friendship with that guy and there's nobody in my rolodex that I want to cut loose that I think she'd go for.
Even though my love life is in a constant flux of chaos and mismanagement, I can rejoice when I hear things are going well for others. With that said I would like to formally congratulate the president for his daughter's impending marriage. Now the Prez can spend the rest of his "lame duck" time in the White House planning a wedding, instead of mismanaging the war. I hope Laura is doing the planning because otherwise their probably won't be enough finger sandwiches at the reception. I wonder if Halliburton caters weddings. If you believe my good friends in the media, Jenna Bush is getting married because she has a bun in the oven. That rumor could be true, especially if she shares her father's stance on not pulling out.
I don't have much good advice on ending a tag team partnership that was never going to win the world titles in the first place. It definitely can be done, but to some degree, at least in the beginning, Shawn throws Marty through the Flower Shop window, Ricky slaps Robert, Andre rips Hogan's Jesus piece, etc. Hopefully she didn't want to win the tag titles either, because then you can just attribute it to "time for us to chase after the World Championship" and no harm no foul. But if all else fails, just clothesline and piledrive her ala Paul Orndorff on the Hulkster circa 1986.
Constant on the cardio and heavy regular doses of water throughout the day. I, like you, am campaigning to drop weight classes. Good luck.