dr_pwnage

The bulk of my day every day so far in Chicago has been sitting in coffee shops pretending that I am about 15 years younger than I actually am.

You have been there. Drunk and hungry. The kitchen is your FRIEND, not to be slighted in favor of the pizza delivery man in your time of need. I submit the following for ingredients:

1. Whole grain bread. The bakery kind. None of that Butternut shit.
2. Cheese. You will need this. Doesn't really matter what kind. In this case I had white cheddar with cranberry.
3. Turkey, sliced thin.
4. Giardenara. If you can't get good giardenara where you are from, I suggest moving to Chicago.
5. Red onion.
6. Light mayo (like it makes a difference).
7. Mustard. Can be anything from Frenches to Plochmans to Grey fucking Poupon nobody gives a FUCK as long as it says mustard.
8. Olive oil cooking spray. You better have this or you are going to use waaay too much butter, because you aren't thinking straight.

Here we go. It's easy, here are detailed, step by step directions:

1. Spray frying pan with olive oil cooking spray. Heat that pan up.
2. Slice bread. Don't slice it too thick or the cheese you put on it won't melt before the bread pan-side burns. Put the bread in the pan. You grill the top and bottom of the sandwich simultaneously, your key to a faster sandwich.
3. Slice cheese and put it on the bread in the pan. Your cheese should be on the top and bottom half, so use thin layers. Too much cheese just isn't good for you, and won't improve the sandwich. With turkey use some kind of white cheese. It's OK if you have to slice the cheese after you put the bread in the pan, you have plenty of time unless you are super drunk.
4. Put some turkey on the cheese. Both halves, don't use too much. You aren't making a fucking Dagwood.
5. On one half of the sandwich that is frying beautifully by now, squeeze on some mayo and mustard (not too much).
6. On the other side, a spoon or two of giardenara and some sliced red onion.
7. If you are super ambitious, you can add some sliced tomato and avocado. If not, you won't miss it. This sandwich is fuckin' tight.
8. Slap that shit together. Cut it in half. Both sides should be done and toasty, bread oily crisp (not too much oil, that's why you use the cooking spray) with the cheese melted and the turkey warm. Mayo, mustard, giardenara, onion in the middle, cool and crisp. If you added the tomato and avocado, it will be worth it for the difference in temperature and texture.
9. EAT IT and I hope you made two.

Don't forget to turn the oven off. If you have an electric stove, it will take a few mins to warm the burner up. If you have a Foreman grill, you gotta watch it so the stuff in the middle doesn't get too warm. This is a delicate sandwich and proper temperature differential is essential to your enjoyment.

Don't plan on kissing somebody after this shit, you won't get any. Your breath will be nasty. It will be a small price to pay to enjoy this fucking masterpiece.

USE GOOD BREAD. It makes all the difference in the world.

Peace out.

EDIT: If your giardinara has visible chunks of carrots or cauliflower, it's bullshit. Not suitable for any sandwich, much less this masterpiece.

you're fucking kidding.
Really?

Yay for winter!

sometimes.

AHHH! You grew your hair!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks. I have an appointment on Thursday with the psychiatrist.

That is an interesting mustache. It reminds me of a biker stash.

I dare not show my guy, he wants one so badly, however, he can't really grown facial hair.

I hopped on a scale yesterday. I'm at 128. That's 12 lbs less than when you last saw me.

I heart hiking.