dr_pwnage

Me: hi my internet is slow this morning
CC: what's your phone number?
Me: you don't have a phone for me
CC: you have to have a phone to get cable internet
Me: No, you don't, because as you can see you don't have a phone number for me.
CC: oh...
Me: so anyway my internet is really slow.
CC: umm...yeah...so I need you to unplug your modem...
Me: Ok
CC: umm...
Me: 20 seconds?
CC: umm yeah
Me: Ok
CC: Ok so does that work?
Me: no
CC: umm I think we need to refresh your desktop
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: Ok I have no idea what you are talking about but I have 3 computers running through a router here and all of them are slow on the internet, so 'refreshing my desktop' or whatever probably won't do anything.
CC: ummm...yeah...can I put you on hold for a sec?
Me: sure
*click*
*dial tone*
Me: motherfucker
*dials and goes through 985 menus*
CC: Thank you for calling Comcast High Speed Internet Access blah blah
Me: Yeah I was just on the phone with somebody there and they hung up on me
CC: I am sorry about that, how can I help you today?
Me: My internet is slow
CC: Can I have your phone number please?
Me: no
CC: I need your phone number to verify your account information sir
Me: No, you don't have my number and I am not giving it to you.
CC: We don't sell your number, sir, if that's what...
Me: No, I just don't want you calling me. Ever.
CC: Well I ca-
Me: No
CC: Well I-
Me: ask me something else
*blah blah verification information blah*
CC: so what can I help you with today?
Me: my internet is slow.
CC: I am going to need you to unplug your modem...
Me: no
CC: ?
Me: I am not going to unplug my modem for the 4th time this morning. Please turn the page in your troubleshooting manual.
CC: ...
Me: humor me.
CC: Ok, well I can...
Me: can you ping me?
CC: sure
Me: ...
Me: ...
Me: ...and?
CC: Sir your ping is fine at 60 mega...mega...umm...it's less than 100, and that's pretty good usually
Me: okay so my ping is OK, what is the next step in your manual?
****blah blah blah and it comes out that I have a router and 3 computers and that I work from home****
CC: Well we don't support connections that run through routers, sir.
Me: excuse me?
CC: Your router, we don't support router connections with your service, and we can't guarantee any speed...
Me: you don't support routers...
CC: No sir. Have you tried connecting directly to your modem?
Me: yes
CC: did that work?
Me: no
CC: well have you considered opening up a business account with us?
Me: This is a business account...your business. I pay you, you give me internet.
CC: well we can't guarantee any speed with a router sir
Me: And what if I had a business account?
CC: let's see...is this a private residence?
Me: yes
CC: I'm sorry we can't provide a business account for a private residence, we just can't guarantee anything
Me: lol *click*

yay