South Beach is just about the silliest place on Earth. Everything there really has to be incredibly over-the-top, dramatic, lustful, pretentios, metrosexual, homosexual, ragingly heterosexual, drug-crazed, drug-infused, drug-related, snooty, casual...
Well, you get the point. It is a place where anything can happen at any time. Everybody is trying to look like they are somebody and that they belong there, or that The Beach is beneath them. Narcissism is a virtue.
I went there last night with Alicia. She is one of my clients. On the first day I met her, she told me that she is a lesbian. Seriously, like within 15 minutes of meeting me. This will come into play later in the story.
Alicia wants to take me to dinner and have some drinks afterwards, her treat. Me, I have nothing better to do on this particular Friday, so I agree, thinking it will be a whole lot of fun hanging out with a bald black lesbian who dresses like a frat boy...what could possibly go wrong? A recipe for adventure!
We go down to Lincoln Road. There is a restaurant there called Touch. Indoor or outdoor seating type of place. Some really trendy hip-hop trance music playing, really cool lighting and seating, it was tight. Vodka tonics were $12 for a single. yay. So we are seated at this table by a window on one end of the joint; on the other there is this dude playing electric guitar with the house music. Then a drummer comes out and they are jamming along with the music, and then dancers come out.
HOT HOT HTO little vinyl-clad nurses come out and dance for my pleasure.
"BRING ON THE DANCING GIRLS!" I command, with a double clap of my hand. Our table neighbors are amused by me, which happens fairly regularly after a few $12 vodkas.
Then a new host appears, an 8' tall black transvestite with a blond Marilyn wig. He looked GOOD, too. I had to smack him on the ass.
Then, on to Score, a gay bar. There is only one other woman in the place, and she is trashed. She's a little redneck blondie from Tennessee with fake boobs and a trailer park wiggle. Kinda hot, though. She and Alicia click.
And all these men are staring at me, lovingly.
This was the strangest thing...I have been to many gay bars before, but NEVER have I been the object of so much adoration. I guess I look gayer than ever...well, I do look good, and I did have my Seven jeans on that I just got last week (Couldn't pass up an opportunity to get a $200 pair of jeans for $89).
No, really, it was silly. Everyone wanted to know me all of a sudden; it was quite flattering. Then trailer park girl introduces me to her brother. She wants to hook us up, I can tell. Well, actually, she just wants me to get him away from the dude he is with. I figure that she will figure me out soon enough from the way I can't stop staring at her fake boobs. Obviously, she was proud of them and was showing them off as much as possible.
She was, after all, in a pretty safe environment.
The thing I remember about her brother was that he had perfect, white teeth and a great haircut.
uhh...so anyway
A few minutes later I send out the traditional Friday Night "What's everybody doing?" text message to my entire phone directory. Trailer park girl comes and sits on my lap...I think she was actually surprised at what she found. Even still, I had to tell her that I wasn't gay and that I wasn't going to sleep with her brother even though he obviously liked me.
The look on her face was priceless. Seriously, it was like a cartoon. She was just SOO SURE that I was gay...and it wasn't JUST because we were in a gay bar. I mean, she REALLY thought I was gay until she started wiggling in my lap.
So, now, she starts telling me over and over again about how she is bisexual and that she really does like both.
I really felt like telling her that I understand; I just dated a psycho bi girl for what seemed like a 20 year term with no possibility of parole, but I didn't. She wasn't bright enough to get it. Was pretty cute though. Nice body. Nice eyes, very friendly.
VERY.
Alicia gets jealous
WHAT THE FUCK
She is 100% lesbian and has NO INTEREST IN MEN WHATSOEVER, yet she is jealous. Sheesh, I can't win anymore. So, trailer girl and her brother are both all over me, and there are no women up in this place for her.
The bar closes.
Alicia knows the door man, who is making fun of her small chest. She pulls his pants down, and hilarity ensued.
South Beach...yay.
Then, on to Laundry Bar. Trailer girl & brother come with us, brother's little man leaves. Laundry bar is a club where you can bring your laundry to and wash it while you watch the transvestites.
Brother takes my hand and begs me to go to the bathroom with him.
uhh...okay...
He REALLY likes me.
yeah.
I have to explain to him, as I explained to his sister, that I am not, in fact, gay. I just happen to be out with a lesbian this evening. Her gayness is not rubbing off on me; I am not bi, tri, gay, or in the closet.
I think I broke his heart.
So that leaves me with trailer girl, who is now really all over me.
And...here we go. The whole thing where people tell me how they feel like they can tell me everything even though they just met me.
Now I hear about how her separation from her husband is finally official and she moved out on him because for 3 years he had been sleeping with her best friend and how could he do that when they had a child together and how she isn't white trash but let me tell you when I found out I went over there and she was in my house and I beat the shit out of her and now she moved to Hawaii and my mother tells me that I should use him for every penny he has and then dump him because payback is a bitch.
ahh. We are back on familiar terms again. I really don't want to go into the whole story with her, again, about the last girl I was with. But, I do start to wonder why I am attracted to this type?
Obviously she is looking for validation from me, because I seem to be the only person in a 3 block radius who has his shit together right now. I know she's drunk, but I explain to her that she needs to remember that revenge isn't going to solve anything, and using people is never a good idea. I am like Ghandi lately; I think it must be my Buddhist friend rubbing off on me. I guess I did good, though, because then she thanked me for a long time and cried a little and then rubbed her fake boobs all over me and grabbed my crotch for a while.
So, at least that was good.
I might have slept with her, except that A) I was there with a lesbian who I did NOT want to sleep with, and B) trailer girl was there with her brother who I also did NOT want to sleep with. It would have involved some sort of combination of the above, and I think I'd like to stay a little bit more on the Wonder Bread side of sex for a little while.
As a matter of fact, I am staying away from it altogether.
Then this dude comes up and tells me " 'scuse me...I just have to tell you that you have a great ass."
"Hey, thanks man, I appreciate that."
"I know you aren't gay and everything, but I just wanted you to know that."
"Right on, man. You too."
If I hadn't been so used to it by now (this shit has been happening to me ever since I was like 17), it wouldn't have been as funny as it was to me. I did, however, keep my laughter on the inside.
Then these two other dudes come up to me where I am standing and start talking to me. These two are kids, like 19 or 20. They look like they just got out of a long night of Dungeons and Dragons.
"Hey what's going on?"
"Hi, my name is Ben, and I'm not gay. How are you?"
"Oh...that's cool man..."
"No, you don't have to go; I'm just saying."
"Oh...well, we lost our friend who was driving, and we don't know what to do and we don't know where we are and they aren't picking up the phone and we don't have any money..."
"Hey dudes, the beach is 2 blocks that way, you can watch the sun come up over the Atlantic and share a beautiful moment together, then fall asleep on the sand. Does that sound like fun?"
"WOOOOW, THANKS DUDE!!!!"
*sigh*
It's time to go; 5:45 AM. Alicia and I ditch Jethro and Daisy Mae and go to another bar. We are about the only 2 people there and the bartender is very cool. Alicia is drunk and mouthy. I am staring entranced at this lovely girl on the street...skinny, pink fishnet tights with black combat boots, pink and blonde pixie hair, and a lot of eyeliner.
JUST MY TYPE.
Deep down, I know I'm not ready. All I do is smile. Give it a few more weeks...
I drive Alicia home. She wants to watch porn.
?
okay...
It's a white girl with a tremendously hairy bush and two black guys.
...
I thought I was going to get some good porn, but this does nothing for me.
I am getting sleepy; it's time.
Alicia tells me how I need "to be talkin' to dem skank-ass hos. Dey bet' be mindin' demselves round yo' ass, cuz you don't need no disrespect. You gotta TELL dem bithces straight UP."
okay...I should go now.
"The reason they all think you is gay, is 'cuz you look good, and you dress nice, and you obviously take care of ya'self. You a cute little white boy."
umm...I'm out.
"And another thing...you might want to wear a jock strap or somethin'".
WHAT???
Apparently, my genitals are a topic of conversation at her office. Anna (the little hot Russian chick over there that I like) told Alicia that "Ben is hung like black man." Even the dudes have talked about it amongst themselves. There was a joke about it around their office.
WHAT??? WHAT??? WHAT???
OKAY I AM LEAVING!!!
I spun gravel as I left her driveway. When I got home, I laughed uncontrollably for about 20 minutes, but it was 8 AM and I was actually too tired to even take of my $200 Seven jeans that make my ass look so good.
It was an utterly hilarious evening. I don't think I have had that many dudes hitting on me, ever...and it happens a lot. Even the girls I date think it is strange...and I do not look, walk, act, talk gay AT ALL. In fact, I have a huge problem keeping my eyes off women, because I am a BIG PERVERT.
I think more stuff happened, but I don't remember it all because I am still tired. I remember Alicia paid for some E a few days ago and didn't get it yet; she wanted to roll with me, but she didn't get it yet and so she was pissed and got into a fight with the dude's girlfrind. I really don't think that rolling with her would be a good idea now, based on this morning's conversations. I really don't need her knowing too much more about me.
Eddie just called, wants to go out tonight. If I go with HIM, at least everyone around will be straight.
*peace*
Well, you get the point. It is a place where anything can happen at any time. Everybody is trying to look like they are somebody and that they belong there, or that The Beach is beneath them. Narcissism is a virtue.
I went there last night with Alicia. She is one of my clients. On the first day I met her, she told me that she is a lesbian. Seriously, like within 15 minutes of meeting me. This will come into play later in the story.
Alicia wants to take me to dinner and have some drinks afterwards, her treat. Me, I have nothing better to do on this particular Friday, so I agree, thinking it will be a whole lot of fun hanging out with a bald black lesbian who dresses like a frat boy...what could possibly go wrong? A recipe for adventure!
We go down to Lincoln Road. There is a restaurant there called Touch. Indoor or outdoor seating type of place. Some really trendy hip-hop trance music playing, really cool lighting and seating, it was tight. Vodka tonics were $12 for a single. yay. So we are seated at this table by a window on one end of the joint; on the other there is this dude playing electric guitar with the house music. Then a drummer comes out and they are jamming along with the music, and then dancers come out.
HOT HOT HTO little vinyl-clad nurses come out and dance for my pleasure.
"BRING ON THE DANCING GIRLS!" I command, with a double clap of my hand. Our table neighbors are amused by me, which happens fairly regularly after a few $12 vodkas.
Then a new host appears, an 8' tall black transvestite with a blond Marilyn wig. He looked GOOD, too. I had to smack him on the ass.
Then, on to Score, a gay bar. There is only one other woman in the place, and she is trashed. She's a little redneck blondie from Tennessee with fake boobs and a trailer park wiggle. Kinda hot, though. She and Alicia click.
And all these men are staring at me, lovingly.
This was the strangest thing...I have been to many gay bars before, but NEVER have I been the object of so much adoration. I guess I look gayer than ever...well, I do look good, and I did have my Seven jeans on that I just got last week (Couldn't pass up an opportunity to get a $200 pair of jeans for $89).
No, really, it was silly. Everyone wanted to know me all of a sudden; it was quite flattering. Then trailer park girl introduces me to her brother. She wants to hook us up, I can tell. Well, actually, she just wants me to get him away from the dude he is with. I figure that she will figure me out soon enough from the way I can't stop staring at her fake boobs. Obviously, she was proud of them and was showing them off as much as possible.
She was, after all, in a pretty safe environment.
The thing I remember about her brother was that he had perfect, white teeth and a great haircut.
uhh...so anyway
A few minutes later I send out the traditional Friday Night "What's everybody doing?" text message to my entire phone directory. Trailer park girl comes and sits on my lap...I think she was actually surprised at what she found. Even still, I had to tell her that I wasn't gay and that I wasn't going to sleep with her brother even though he obviously liked me.
The look on her face was priceless. Seriously, it was like a cartoon. She was just SOO SURE that I was gay...and it wasn't JUST because we were in a gay bar. I mean, she REALLY thought I was gay until she started wiggling in my lap.
So, now, she starts telling me over and over again about how she is bisexual and that she really does like both.
I really felt like telling her that I understand; I just dated a psycho bi girl for what seemed like a 20 year term with no possibility of parole, but I didn't. She wasn't bright enough to get it. Was pretty cute though. Nice body. Nice eyes, very friendly.
VERY.
Alicia gets jealous
WHAT THE FUCK
She is 100% lesbian and has NO INTEREST IN MEN WHATSOEVER, yet she is jealous. Sheesh, I can't win anymore. So, trailer girl and her brother are both all over me, and there are no women up in this place for her.
The bar closes.
Alicia knows the door man, who is making fun of her small chest. She pulls his pants down, and hilarity ensued.
South Beach...yay.
Then, on to Laundry Bar. Trailer girl & brother come with us, brother's little man leaves. Laundry bar is a club where you can bring your laundry to and wash it while you watch the transvestites.
Brother takes my hand and begs me to go to the bathroom with him.
uhh...okay...
He REALLY likes me.
yeah.
I have to explain to him, as I explained to his sister, that I am not, in fact, gay. I just happen to be out with a lesbian this evening. Her gayness is not rubbing off on me; I am not bi, tri, gay, or in the closet.
I think I broke his heart.
So that leaves me with trailer girl, who is now really all over me.
And...here we go. The whole thing where people tell me how they feel like they can tell me everything even though they just met me.
Now I hear about how her separation from her husband is finally official and she moved out on him because for 3 years he had been sleeping with her best friend and how could he do that when they had a child together and how she isn't white trash but let me tell you when I found out I went over there and she was in my house and I beat the shit out of her and now she moved to Hawaii and my mother tells me that I should use him for every penny he has and then dump him because payback is a bitch.
ahh. We are back on familiar terms again. I really don't want to go into the whole story with her, again, about the last girl I was with. But, I do start to wonder why I am attracted to this type?
Obviously she is looking for validation from me, because I seem to be the only person in a 3 block radius who has his shit together right now. I know she's drunk, but I explain to her that she needs to remember that revenge isn't going to solve anything, and using people is never a good idea. I am like Ghandi lately; I think it must be my Buddhist friend rubbing off on me. I guess I did good, though, because then she thanked me for a long time and cried a little and then rubbed her fake boobs all over me and grabbed my crotch for a while.
So, at least that was good.
I might have slept with her, except that A) I was there with a lesbian who I did NOT want to sleep with, and B) trailer girl was there with her brother who I also did NOT want to sleep with. It would have involved some sort of combination of the above, and I think I'd like to stay a little bit more on the Wonder Bread side of sex for a little while.
As a matter of fact, I am staying away from it altogether.
Then this dude comes up and tells me " 'scuse me...I just have to tell you that you have a great ass."
"Hey, thanks man, I appreciate that."
"I know you aren't gay and everything, but I just wanted you to know that."
"Right on, man. You too."
If I hadn't been so used to it by now (this shit has been happening to me ever since I was like 17), it wouldn't have been as funny as it was to me. I did, however, keep my laughter on the inside.
Then these two other dudes come up to me where I am standing and start talking to me. These two are kids, like 19 or 20. They look like they just got out of a long night of Dungeons and Dragons.
"Hey what's going on?"
"Hi, my name is Ben, and I'm not gay. How are you?"
"Oh...that's cool man..."
"No, you don't have to go; I'm just saying."
"Oh...well, we lost our friend who was driving, and we don't know what to do and we don't know where we are and they aren't picking up the phone and we don't have any money..."
"Hey dudes, the beach is 2 blocks that way, you can watch the sun come up over the Atlantic and share a beautiful moment together, then fall asleep on the sand. Does that sound like fun?"
"WOOOOW, THANKS DUDE!!!!"
*sigh*
It's time to go; 5:45 AM. Alicia and I ditch Jethro and Daisy Mae and go to another bar. We are about the only 2 people there and the bartender is very cool. Alicia is drunk and mouthy. I am staring entranced at this lovely girl on the street...skinny, pink fishnet tights with black combat boots, pink and blonde pixie hair, and a lot of eyeliner.
JUST MY TYPE.
Deep down, I know I'm not ready. All I do is smile. Give it a few more weeks...
I drive Alicia home. She wants to watch porn.
?
okay...
It's a white girl with a tremendously hairy bush and two black guys.
...
I thought I was going to get some good porn, but this does nothing for me.
I am getting sleepy; it's time.
Alicia tells me how I need "to be talkin' to dem skank-ass hos. Dey bet' be mindin' demselves round yo' ass, cuz you don't need no disrespect. You gotta TELL dem bithces straight UP."
okay...I should go now.
"The reason they all think you is gay, is 'cuz you look good, and you dress nice, and you obviously take care of ya'self. You a cute little white boy."
umm...I'm out.
"And another thing...you might want to wear a jock strap or somethin'".
WHAT???
Apparently, my genitals are a topic of conversation at her office. Anna (the little hot Russian chick over there that I like) told Alicia that "Ben is hung like black man." Even the dudes have talked about it amongst themselves. There was a joke about it around their office.
WHAT??? WHAT??? WHAT???
OKAY I AM LEAVING!!!
I spun gravel as I left her driveway. When I got home, I laughed uncontrollably for about 20 minutes, but it was 8 AM and I was actually too tired to even take of my $200 Seven jeans that make my ass look so good.
It was an utterly hilarious evening. I don't think I have had that many dudes hitting on me, ever...and it happens a lot. Even the girls I date think it is strange...and I do not look, walk, act, talk gay AT ALL. In fact, I have a huge problem keeping my eyes off women, because I am a BIG PERVERT.
I think more stuff happened, but I don't remember it all because I am still tired. I remember Alicia paid for some E a few days ago and didn't get it yet; she wanted to roll with me, but she didn't get it yet and so she was pissed and got into a fight with the dude's girlfrind. I really don't think that rolling with her would be a good idea now, based on this morning's conversations. I really don't need her knowing too much more about me.
Eddie just called, wants to go out tonight. If I go with HIM, at least everyone around will be straight.
*peace*
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And all these men are staring at me, lovingly.
hahahah.