She's trouble. You can't tell from looking at her, but she is definitely trouble. Dangerous...especially dangerous for me.
Over the last few months I have built up my defenses again. Before anything I would have thrown up would have been useless. Now, it may be different...it may not. I don't know.
What I DO know is that I need to remember how she ripped my heart out. I DO need to remember the times she would get drunk and combative. I DO need to remember the things that made no sense; how badly I was treated.
All that is true, but yet, I still love her more than anybody ever.
She has been on a three month vacation, living in a fantasy land where she could walk around naked all day and have kinky sex.
Not with me. With my boss. Yeah...great news. Started screwing my boss, got engaged to him 2 weeks later, moved in with him, then found out what he was all about.
So...here she is, and NOW she needs me. It's really a lot to ask of me. I know that I can say no, but I don't want to.
I keep telling myself that I can stay in control of the situation. I am strong; I am on the moral high ground. But, does it matter? Who is right, who is wrong? I know she sees it differently than I do. I don't get what happened, but it was pretty fucked up from my perspective. She tells me: "What would you have done, if you hated your job and your life and got offered an opportunity to never have to work again? To live in an awesome house, to go out on the ocean on a boat whenever you wanted, and to not have to worry about money?"
So, that is what it is all about. Money. Stuff. Things. Okay...what did he do? He POSESSED you. No life, no job, no friends. You were a kept woman. A pet. A trophy. YOU became a 'thing.'
Sorry, Jenny...I don't know if you learned your lessons yet. I am not the one to teach you that. I am not going to let you stomp all over me again; rip my soul out through my brain.
You are going to get what you need from me, but no more. I won't give myself up to you, not again. You need to invest in me quite a bit before you get a piece of this again. I won't hold it over you, either. I am not waiting around. I will not give up everything I have gained in the last 3 months just so you won't hurt. YOU made choices, not ME. That was ALWAYS the problem between us.
Tables turned? I think so. Am I forgiving, loving, faithful, even though you don't appear to deserve it? Yes, I am. But, now I see right through you, clearer than day, clearer than glass.
Can it be a clean slate? Yes. But you had better understand one thing: my guard is up. I won't be used, for money, for sex, anything. Yes, I am here when you fall; yes, I saw it coming before it even began. I was prepared for right now. Are you?
Watch out. Take care, take care. Right now, you had better understand that I am the dangerous one. You can't hurt me. I won't let you.
I won't.
Beware...you are going to have to try to hold on to me. I am free. My love is free. My heart is still chained down, but my head is free.
Beware...
The difference between you and me now is that I HAVE learned my lessons.
Class is in session. You got used. Deal with it. You won't use me ever again. Now sit your ass down and learn it. Maybe then you will see me for who I have become, who I always was.
If not...see ya.
Over the last few months I have built up my defenses again. Before anything I would have thrown up would have been useless. Now, it may be different...it may not. I don't know.
What I DO know is that I need to remember how she ripped my heart out. I DO need to remember the times she would get drunk and combative. I DO need to remember the things that made no sense; how badly I was treated.
All that is true, but yet, I still love her more than anybody ever.
She has been on a three month vacation, living in a fantasy land where she could walk around naked all day and have kinky sex.
Not with me. With my boss. Yeah...great news. Started screwing my boss, got engaged to him 2 weeks later, moved in with him, then found out what he was all about.
So...here she is, and NOW she needs me. It's really a lot to ask of me. I know that I can say no, but I don't want to.
I keep telling myself that I can stay in control of the situation. I am strong; I am on the moral high ground. But, does it matter? Who is right, who is wrong? I know she sees it differently than I do. I don't get what happened, but it was pretty fucked up from my perspective. She tells me: "What would you have done, if you hated your job and your life and got offered an opportunity to never have to work again? To live in an awesome house, to go out on the ocean on a boat whenever you wanted, and to not have to worry about money?"
So, that is what it is all about. Money. Stuff. Things. Okay...what did he do? He POSESSED you. No life, no job, no friends. You were a kept woman. A pet. A trophy. YOU became a 'thing.'
Sorry, Jenny...I don't know if you learned your lessons yet. I am not the one to teach you that. I am not going to let you stomp all over me again; rip my soul out through my brain.
You are going to get what you need from me, but no more. I won't give myself up to you, not again. You need to invest in me quite a bit before you get a piece of this again. I won't hold it over you, either. I am not waiting around. I will not give up everything I have gained in the last 3 months just so you won't hurt. YOU made choices, not ME. That was ALWAYS the problem between us.
Tables turned? I think so. Am I forgiving, loving, faithful, even though you don't appear to deserve it? Yes, I am. But, now I see right through you, clearer than day, clearer than glass.
Can it be a clean slate? Yes. But you had better understand one thing: my guard is up. I won't be used, for money, for sex, anything. Yes, I am here when you fall; yes, I saw it coming before it even began. I was prepared for right now. Are you?
Watch out. Take care, take care. Right now, you had better understand that I am the dangerous one. You can't hurt me. I won't let you.
I won't.
Beware...you are going to have to try to hold on to me. I am free. My love is free. My heart is still chained down, but my head is free.
Beware...
The difference between you and me now is that I HAVE learned my lessons.
Class is in session. You got used. Deal with it. You won't use me ever again. Now sit your ass down and learn it. Maybe then you will see me for who I have become, who I always was.
If not...see ya.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
don't let her do it again.....they always do.
it took me a whole year to recover from someone who played with my heart in just the same way.....stay strong. i say someone who stopped caring before can just as easily not care again. You don't deserve that amount of punishment.
.....
on another note....in response to my journal (this oddness of posting responeses to my own journal in an entry such as this is exactly why i can't get used to the way things are done here)....i'm in the east central fl area. Also yeah, read voltaire's (again singer not model) book What is Goth........wonderfully funny book....and so so true.
xip