I am, indeed, a ray of sunshine.
Today I went up to greenfield for my prehire drug screen and physical. It was all women at the clinic. In contrast to all the previous employment physicals the doctor just asked me if I had any hernias rather than actually checking my balls for such. Sigh. Been a while since a woman has checked out my balls.
Not actually feeling much like a ray of sunshine. Vexes me that my wants are meaningless. Just have anxiety and avoidant behavior patterns. Get stuck where I don't do anything because I'm anxious about the stress of doing things, and I get caught up in the stress and anxiety and frustration of being (doing) nothing. Right now I'm anxious about something going wrong with my hiring process and when that's over I'll be anxious about having to face my job. I'll be anxious about having to go out in snowy conditions. I'll be anxious about my health, I'll be anxious about my car. I'll be anxious about not having time to do something meaningful with my life and anxious about having to face free time when I do have it, being faced with the stess of exertion to better myself versus the profound disappointment in myself I feel when I just squander all my free time. I'll be anxious about what to say to attractive women, anxious about alienating them by saying the wrong thing and anxious about losing chances by never saying anything. Anxious about the numbers I'll find printed on my bills, anxious about my bank statement. It's like a dense floury shortbread encasing your heart and mind, a continuous tense knit in my brow.
Weird thing is I'm actually much better now than I used to be. I don't live on antacids any more. Just walking around I don't feel as heavy. Whatever.
Today I went up to greenfield for my prehire drug screen and physical. It was all women at the clinic. In contrast to all the previous employment physicals the doctor just asked me if I had any hernias rather than actually checking my balls for such. Sigh. Been a while since a woman has checked out my balls.
Not actually feeling much like a ray of sunshine. Vexes me that my wants are meaningless. Just have anxiety and avoidant behavior patterns. Get stuck where I don't do anything because I'm anxious about the stress of doing things, and I get caught up in the stress and anxiety and frustration of being (doing) nothing. Right now I'm anxious about something going wrong with my hiring process and when that's over I'll be anxious about having to face my job. I'll be anxious about having to go out in snowy conditions. I'll be anxious about my health, I'll be anxious about my car. I'll be anxious about not having time to do something meaningful with my life and anxious about having to face free time when I do have it, being faced with the stess of exertion to better myself versus the profound disappointment in myself I feel when I just squander all my free time. I'll be anxious about what to say to attractive women, anxious about alienating them by saying the wrong thing and anxious about losing chances by never saying anything. Anxious about the numbers I'll find printed on my bills, anxious about my bank statement. It's like a dense floury shortbread encasing your heart and mind, a continuous tense knit in my brow.
Weird thing is I'm actually much better now than I used to be. I don't live on antacids any more. Just walking around I don't feel as heavy. Whatever.
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Today in your journal u sound a lot like ... me. Overly anxious abt shit. I get so anxious that I'm too anxious to do anything, then things get worse because Im not doing anything abt the things that make me anxious, which makes me more anxious, which makes me not wanna do those things that make me anxious and then it just continues much the same way for quite some time. They say that you can tell a LOT abt a person by the way they handle their stress, and if thats true .. then I'd hate to hear what ppl think abt ME. My inability to handle stressful situations well has cost me a lot. Its funny though, u dont seem like the anxious type at all. U seem to me like the "cool", laid back, calm and collected type. Ever try meditation? I wish that worked for me.
But hey! This sounds fuckin rad, u are in the process of getting that job at coke???! AWESOME! I think its really odd that the doctor DID NOT try to do the "coughing/ball grab" thing, wtf? Why is it that when u get some old man doctor they ALWAYS do that test, but when u get a female doc they just ask u? I wonder if thats merely a coincidence or if the lady felt weird abt it for some reason, which is REALLY confusing because shes a damn DOCTOR and has probably done the test a million times and shouldnt feel weird abt it.