I'm not feeling too good right now. Had my biggest mishap yet with the truck a couple of days ago, I sideswiped a telephone pole and broke it off at its base, when I was pulling into a parking lot. I should have known better than to do this account, because it puts me in all kinds of places too small for a big truck.

I don't know if they'll fire me or not. I shall have to play my cards close to my chest. I really need to get over to coca cola and start up with merchandising for them, and if they can't hire me as a driver because of my accidents I shall hopefully at least be able to stay on in the merchandising job.

I have two NYC deliveries tomorrow, which fortunately are not in the hardest places to get to. Unfortunately though the odds of my being able to get back home for my brother's bday party tomorrow evening are maybe one in a hundred. NYC family dollar employees are so slow to unload your truck you want to apply a baseball hat to their heads, repeatedly. Actually with me it's more that I want so scream at them, lollygagging fucks.

A while ago when I had my last mishap I had been thinking about peace of mind, where it cannot be dependent on conditions, and it recently occurred to me that you cannot "attain" peace of mind, insofar as attainment is a condition imposed on the possibility of peace of mind existing. Or perhaps I should say that you cannot have peace of mind if having peace of mind is a criterion for having peace of mind.

And I do not really expect to achieve it any time in the forseeable future. I'm very unhappy with my career right now and I don't feel any more sense of belonging or personal worthwhileness in the work world than I ever have. I'm failing in my job, and I've never made enough money to make payments on the thousands of dollars I got myself in the hole for, to learn to do this job. I tell myself a lot that I'm never going to feel good ever again, to try and get some relief out of a sense of fatalism.

I need to cut the crap with my photography and get serious about shooting the 4x5. I'm not going to be able to make great images with a digital point and shoot camera. I've been thinking a lot about Tom Hanks' character, the baseball coach in a league of their own, when he's talking to geena davis about how baseball is supposed to be hard; if it wasn't hard it wouldn't be great. I've been trying to make photography easy, and it doesn't work that way, at least if you want it to be great. So I need to lug that speed graphic around, mix up some fresh chemicals and get working in the darkroom. And I really need to get the fuck out of werner and with coca cola to have the schedule to do that.