Well, my truck is fixed. Rather sooner than I had thought it would be and I had already gone ahead and paid for another night at the hotel with my own debit card. Whatever. I am an exceedingly immature 37 year old and I have missed watching american idol so at least I'll get to see that. My projected availability is for tomorrow morning at 7 am anyway.
So I shall have to get the most of this exta last day in bristol va. Take another walk through the nice park I found yesterday, watch the fat carp in the little river that flows by the motel 6 and have a last coffee at the starbuck's.
I've been feeling a little sad lately, wishing that there were something or someplace that I could take refuge from the world. There are a lot of mixed messages about things in Buddhism. There is nothing to cling to, everything is impermanent, but yet one is encouraged to take refuge in the Sangha, the community of buddhist practitioners.
I was reading in someone's blog about how they hated NYC and wanted to leave. I love NYC and I would live there if I had any idea of what I could do there. At least that's what I've always thought. But I think that I have such a depth of pessimism about myself that I've never seriously and deeply looked at possibilities that other can look at and do something about. Sort of an ADD toward my whole life, where my brain falls asleep in the warm comfort of abandon due to pessimism and nonattempt to do things.
I wonder what I would want to do if I were serious about undertakings. I guess it is not without merit that I have ventured into this trucking thing. I took a chance on trying something new, and have put a lot of time and effort into it. But I guess the underlying person that I am with his doubts is not fundamentally changed.
I keep searching for something to define my life, to make things clear, or to take refuge in. But the world is just this moment and this moment and this moment. It is just itself and doesn't have any defects, but I have a heart that judges things and I am dissatisfied with things.
It kind of vexes me that I have some need of structure to feel ok with whatever I'm doing. If I run a load somewhere, and then I have a certain amount of time off before I pick up my next load, I feel ok because I know that I have a certain allotment of openness in which to indulge my various cravings, and then I'll have some opportunity to do some work and make some money. But I don't use my free time well, to make myself do difficult things, to become greater than I am. I guess I'm doing the same whining now that I've done for many years.
But then again I don't always completely blow the time and opportunity I have to do worthwhile things. A student of life, if not a master. I'll head out now, see and do a couple of things, get back to work tomorrow and being will carry me somewhere, and I'll yak yak yak about my thoughts and experiences, in this paradoxical situation of being on my own and yet not entirely on my own, that comprises living among other beings.
So I shall have to get the most of this exta last day in bristol va. Take another walk through the nice park I found yesterday, watch the fat carp in the little river that flows by the motel 6 and have a last coffee at the starbuck's.
I've been feeling a little sad lately, wishing that there were something or someplace that I could take refuge from the world. There are a lot of mixed messages about things in Buddhism. There is nothing to cling to, everything is impermanent, but yet one is encouraged to take refuge in the Sangha, the community of buddhist practitioners.
I was reading in someone's blog about how they hated NYC and wanted to leave. I love NYC and I would live there if I had any idea of what I could do there. At least that's what I've always thought. But I think that I have such a depth of pessimism about myself that I've never seriously and deeply looked at possibilities that other can look at and do something about. Sort of an ADD toward my whole life, where my brain falls asleep in the warm comfort of abandon due to pessimism and nonattempt to do things.
I wonder what I would want to do if I were serious about undertakings. I guess it is not without merit that I have ventured into this trucking thing. I took a chance on trying something new, and have put a lot of time and effort into it. But I guess the underlying person that I am with his doubts is not fundamentally changed.
I keep searching for something to define my life, to make things clear, or to take refuge in. But the world is just this moment and this moment and this moment. It is just itself and doesn't have any defects, but I have a heart that judges things and I am dissatisfied with things.
It kind of vexes me that I have some need of structure to feel ok with whatever I'm doing. If I run a load somewhere, and then I have a certain amount of time off before I pick up my next load, I feel ok because I know that I have a certain allotment of openness in which to indulge my various cravings, and then I'll have some opportunity to do some work and make some money. But I don't use my free time well, to make myself do difficult things, to become greater than I am. I guess I'm doing the same whining now that I've done for many years.
But then again I don't always completely blow the time and opportunity I have to do worthwhile things. A student of life, if not a master. I'll head out now, see and do a couple of things, get back to work tomorrow and being will carry me somewhere, and I'll yak yak yak about my thoughts and experiences, in this paradoxical situation of being on my own and yet not entirely on my own, that comprises living among other beings.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
thnx for the comment. Feeling any "better" this week? The limbo feeling is getting me as well lately. On the road to somewhere but don't know where. NYc seems as good a place as any
i'vE jusT beeN sO busY latelY...i onlY geT timE tO vieW a feW quicK setS anD replY somE msgS thesE dayS
hoW lonG havE yoU beeN practicinG buddhisM?
hopE thingS arEn'T gettinG yoU toO dowN, therE'S alwayS lotS oF prettY girlS tO helP balancE thE equilibriuM aT sG