dr_lizardo

Well, finally I've managed to upload a pic from photobucket. Typing in the URL as my comp for some reason flatly refuses to let me just click on text from one window and transfer it to another. At least now I can do an actual photographer's journal.

Today I bought myself a pair of rain pants for motorcycling. They tend to ride up a bit over the tops of my boots. Maybe if I'd gotten the large instead of the medium that wouldn't happen but the large were VERY baggy. I think I might just sew elastic snaps into the bottoms of the legs, to make spats, so to speak.

Actually figuring out how to get a pic into my journal is a tremendous feat of motivation for me at the level I've been at lately. I hate work and I haven't been bugging my temp agency enough for any positions that might come up. I did apply to Yankee Candle on monday, and stopped at C&S to apply there after my Umass class got out but their offices close at four, so I'll have to stop there tomorrow or before my class on friday.

One guy left a comment in someone's journal that I also commented in. that hit much too close to home for me. He called himself a pitiable fawner with no life. I mean, damn. Thing about me is that I have no idea what to say to people. I'm not exactly cripplingly shy, I just never developed that sense of what's appropriate to say, or any sort of reserve of stock phrases that you might use to break the ice with people. I can type up a storm on this website and send thought processes to various victims that way, and have the luxury of reading their writings and thereby picking out people who might in fact take an interest in something I might say, but If I were to meet some attractive woman, say the assistant manager at the video store I go to who I think would make a great suicide girl, I just don't have the things to say that you need to have in that one or two seconds when the opportunity exists to say something to someone.

I appreciate that people will compiment my writing, but I find my thougths and writings are very heavy and draggy and cumbersome. It might be a lot better socially for me it I were just some airhead who never left comments any deeper than GREAT SET! -or- U R Hawt. People with simple little minds and simple little thoughts probably have much stronger social networks and far less antisocial morbidity than I; It might be a nice break to be able to spend one day a week as one of them. You could throw back at me what I said about standing in my own way, and say that I don't try, and to a degree you'd be right, but there is also some extent to which I don't try to talk to people because I really am not on the same wavelength and have no idea how to start a conversation. Sometimes I do try to break into conversations and come across as an oaf or a fool or a boor. I'm not that bad really, it just comes out that way when I try to talk.

One way to look at it is I'm turning into my parents as I grow older. I had a girlfriend for a few years who was at the other end of the social prowess spectrum, she'd blow into a room and win people over before they knew what hit them, sometimes even before she she'd spoken to them directly. When she got her master's she threw a party for herself and invited all of her well educted animated charismatic professional friends and they all had a great time talking about happy dymamic professional things while my family, also invited to the party, stood outside and stared at the hamburgers on the grill. I don't feel real optimistic about my future when I see how different successful professionals are, compared to my family, psychologically and culturally. I guess that's maybe just me boxing myself in, but to get out of the box, would someone please tell me how to have a conversation with a dynamic successful well-adjusted professional person, and I shall certainly have at it.

Blah.