douglasfir

I'm not proud of this and I've gone over it elsewhere on the internet but I guess this is my blog and I should cover this...

I had an epithany on Monday... over the past few months I'd built this thing with the girl up inside my head so much that I needed to get it out there (I've been attracted to her for eight years but it's only these last few months were I actually decided to get to know her and I became completely smitten... I pretty much keep myself to myself at work ususally hence the eight years!)...

So on Monday I think I need to do something - I need to just tell her now... no more putting it off... no more lying to myself and saying next week, next month, when I've got a six-pack ( )... I should do it now... of course it's kinda hard to catch her alone so I put my excellent language skills to use and an e-mail is sent off... not the most romantic gesture I know but I told her how I felt and it took a lot of courage for me to do that...

I think you can probably all guess were this is heading... basically the usual sugar-coated flat out rejection...

I'm a nice guy (and there aren't many of us about) and she's still sort of on and off with her ex... which got me because she's basically stated several times over the last few weeks she wished she had a boyfriend... so that didn't add up...

Anyway here's some of my comments from another message board I posted the next morning...

This shit doesn't get any easier as you get older and I hate being on the verge of thirty and spending the night crying because once again I'm the nice guy who lost out. And yeah, I'm man enough to admit I cry... fuck I've even shed a tear or two this morning at my desk because, even though our casual friendship wasn't going to change in light of this rejection, I already know it has and I know I've lost something good from my life... (fuck, I'm tearing up again)...

Most of all I'm disappointed in myself for falling into this trap again... how many times before I learn that whatever it is I'm actually looking for in life is so far out of my reach that any attempt to grab onto it can only end in tears (literally!)...

and

She said nothing would change but today she couldn't even make eye contact with me... and I feel I've lost a little bit of happiness from my life... I used to look forward to seeing her walk past and smile... now I just think I made a really dumb decision to tell her how I felt...

I did apologise later because I felt the awkwardness was mostly from me but still it will never be the same and I regret that I can never look into her eyes again and smile without feeling that I'm just leering at her... you'll have to excuse me I've just started crying again (whiny little emo bitch that I am!)

So there you have it...