Sorry it's been so long since i wrote in here, but i've just been depressed and busy and i didn't want to just be writing angry sad thoughts... but today i cracked...Today... is a bad day... 
I just chose to stop visiting my best friend and ex at her work at night even though it is the only time that i can see her and it is the only thing that i really have to do at 3:00 in the morning, all because her new boyfriend doesn't think that i'm getting over her and doesn't feel comfortable with me visiting her, even though she really enjoys having the company. I really feel that i am losing my best friend... i know that once i stop going to the gym at night, i will have basically no further excuse to hang out and communicate with her. I hate this so much because i was just starting to feel like things were finally starting to get normal between us... like we could actually exsist as friends.
I just want so bad for her to be happy, quite frankly i couldn't give a fuck about the fact that Hopesfall doesn't feel comfortable with me visiting her at night to keep her company... but i know that if i don't stop going it will further divide her and shane and i just want so bad for her to be happy. That's why i decided to stop going as often... becuase i want for her to be happy... even if it is with that fuck hole hopesfall. I don't want her to lose her new love because of me and my exsistnece in her life.
I just feel as though i don't have any stable friends in my life right now... no one that i can truly talk to because so many of my friends are being flaky or my friend one day and treating me like i'm that gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe. I just feel like Kendra is the only one that i can truly communicate with.
I dodn't even make it to my car before falling to my knees and bawling like a little girl because i can just feel like this is the end of our friendship... like soon i won't be able to talk to her at all...
I just feel so lonely right now...
I guess i'm just tired of feeling period... just don't want to have to worry about who is going to reject me next... who is going to give me the "but i don't want to ruin our friendship" line next (which by the way is the most bullshit line ever... if you're not interested... just fucking say so. stop this beating around the bush bullshit or this leading us on that there might be hope in the future if there isn't just becuase you don't have the heart to tell us no... just fucking say it!!!! Tell us no... stop trying to sugar coat it because saying that you don't want to ruin the friendship... is absolute crap. Are you really gonna tell me that you would rather date a total stranger compared to your good friend... someone you know and trust? Personally, i beileve that friendships make the best relationships... becuase you already know one another... there's none of that awakward getting to know you first introducitons crap. i guess i got kinda carried away with this side note... anyway,). i jsut want to not have to feel like there is anything of myself that i need to put on the line... part of me wants to just have one completely pointless, un-commited, gratifing sexual relationship. that way i don't have to feel like once again i am going to be putting myself and my heart on the line in caring for someone... (this is totally out of character for me by the way) I just want to know that there will be no feeling of rejection or betrayal if they were to choose the company of another... there is nothing to lose because i put nothing on the line. And if this makes me a bad guy... fuck it, i'm so tired of being the nice reliable friend that you can count on when you need... why the fuck does that have to be me huh? why can't i just be the asshole jock that some random person wants to get drunk with and screw at a party? And i love how it's always the people that rejected you in the first place that don't like this idea... i don't know.... i guess i'm being a little hard here... i'm just having a craptacular day here and jsut let my frustrations get away with me... maybe kendra's right, maybe it would be impossible for me to have a realtionship like that because i do get very emotionally attached and very easily... i guess i'm just tired of the way things are going for me here. i just want to start over new as a new person. ah hell... i don't know what the hell i want...
Wow, i just realizied how much i just wrote... congradualtions if you have read the whole thing... i'm impressed.
Anyway, i promise my next entry will be happier (and shorter)....
I just chose to stop visiting my best friend and ex at her work at night even though it is the only time that i can see her and it is the only thing that i really have to do at 3:00 in the morning, all because her new boyfriend doesn't think that i'm getting over her and doesn't feel comfortable with me visiting her, even though she really enjoys having the company. I really feel that i am losing my best friend... i know that once i stop going to the gym at night, i will have basically no further excuse to hang out and communicate with her. I hate this so much because i was just starting to feel like things were finally starting to get normal between us... like we could actually exsist as friends.
I just want so bad for her to be happy, quite frankly i couldn't give a fuck about the fact that Hopesfall doesn't feel comfortable with me visiting her at night to keep her company... but i know that if i don't stop going it will further divide her and shane and i just want so bad for her to be happy. That's why i decided to stop going as often... becuase i want for her to be happy... even if it is with that fuck hole hopesfall. I don't want her to lose her new love because of me and my exsistnece in her life.
I just feel as though i don't have any stable friends in my life right now... no one that i can truly talk to because so many of my friends are being flaky or my friend one day and treating me like i'm that gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe. I just feel like Kendra is the only one that i can truly communicate with.
I dodn't even make it to my car before falling to my knees and bawling like a little girl because i can just feel like this is the end of our friendship... like soon i won't be able to talk to her at all...
I just feel so lonely right now...
I guess i'm just tired of feeling period... just don't want to have to worry about who is going to reject me next... who is going to give me the "but i don't want to ruin our friendship" line next (which by the way is the most bullshit line ever... if you're not interested... just fucking say so. stop this beating around the bush bullshit or this leading us on that there might be hope in the future if there isn't just becuase you don't have the heart to tell us no... just fucking say it!!!! Tell us no... stop trying to sugar coat it because saying that you don't want to ruin the friendship... is absolute crap. Are you really gonna tell me that you would rather date a total stranger compared to your good friend... someone you know and trust? Personally, i beileve that friendships make the best relationships... becuase you already know one another... there's none of that awakward getting to know you first introducitons crap. i guess i got kinda carried away with this side note... anyway,). i jsut want to not have to feel like there is anything of myself that i need to put on the line... part of me wants to just have one completely pointless, un-commited, gratifing sexual relationship. that way i don't have to feel like once again i am going to be putting myself and my heart on the line in caring for someone... (this is totally out of character for me by the way) I just want to know that there will be no feeling of rejection or betrayal if they were to choose the company of another... there is nothing to lose because i put nothing on the line. And if this makes me a bad guy... fuck it, i'm so tired of being the nice reliable friend that you can count on when you need... why the fuck does that have to be me huh? why can't i just be the asshole jock that some random person wants to get drunk with and screw at a party? And i love how it's always the people that rejected you in the first place that don't like this idea... i don't know.... i guess i'm being a little hard here... i'm just having a craptacular day here and jsut let my frustrations get away with me... maybe kendra's right, maybe it would be impossible for me to have a realtionship like that because i do get very emotionally attached and very easily... i guess i'm just tired of the way things are going for me here. i just want to start over new as a new person. ah hell... i don't know what the hell i want...
Wow, i just realizied how much i just wrote... congradualtions if you have read the whole thing... i'm impressed.
Anyway, i promise my next entry will be happier (and shorter)....
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
xhavokx:
i think i am going to go do that right now.... sssweeeet!!! 
smuffy:
Awww cheer up! 