dominanefret

At 11:15 tonight the phone rang. It was my mothers best friends ex-husband. My mom picked up the phone and said "what's going on? Is Anne okay?"
Then she stood there for awhile, listening, not saying anything, and shaking. When she hung up she broke down in tears. I went to hug her. Her best friend has Leukemia.

My mothers other female best friend died of cancer a year and a half ago. Apparently Anne though will probably be okay. She's going through chemo now, but the prognosis is good. I can still understand the effect this is having on my mother. Just that it's there is so scary. Just the possibility of her dying is horrifying. Imagine losing your two best friends in a period of two years?

I'm an atheist, so I don't pray in any traditional sense. But if you do, will you please pray for Anne?

Minutes after my mother gets off the phone and after I have sat with her for awhile my phone rings. My initial response was to just ignore it. It was probably going to be one of several people, all of whom I talk to all of the time and I can get in touch with later. The plan was just to pick it up, see who it was, and press ignore.

But it was Robbie. And I was so frustrated and so upset and so relieved to see his name on the screen that I answered. And I ended up talking to him for an hour. Just spilling my guts. It frustrates me on a very high level, that after all of this time, and after all of the steps I have made, he is still the only person that I feel really truly comfortable talking to. I know he isn't judging me, and when he disagrees or tells me that I am being dumb, he doesn't do it in a condescending way. He says it in a way that shows me that he really cares. He just sits there and listens and listens and lets me rant out my frustrations without judging me or thinking I am silly for needing to rant. He doesn't say "just get over it" when I tell him something is upsetting me, even if it is something small and silly.

And you know what? I hate it. I hate that the person that I am the closest to in the entire world is untouchable. I hate that people are constantly telling me to get over him and that I shouldn't talk to him and I shouldn't depend on him. I depend on him because he is the only person in my life, so far, that has shown themselves as worth depending on.

I went to see him in October, and I came home thinking "I'm over him! Hoorah!" He came to visit right before my birthday, and it was kind of awkward, but I still felt like I was over him. Over him not meaning "I am not in love with him anymore" but meaning "he is no longer my be all end all."

But now? Now I don't know. Now I have gone back to thinking that I will never again have someone as amazing as him. And although I have met several people who have the potential to be that amazing, they are not interested in relationships with me. And apparently on some level "not interested in a relationship" means "not interested in a friendship" as well. Part of me understand that it is hard to separate the two when there is some amount of feeling or history there, but part of me is very very frustrated. So everyone I meet I still compare to him. While some have reached the status of "as good as," he is still what people are measured by. He is the most incredible person I have ever met in my entire life, and it hurts very very deeply that we don't have any sort of real relationship right now. All we can muster is an hour or three on the phone once a month.

It all makes me think about how Valentines day is coming up. As much as I know that Valentines Day at this point in time is more of a corporate holiday than anything else, I am the type of person who likes to take any excuse that she can to do something special. And this is the first Valentines Day that I will be single since 2001. I feel silly for thinking that, but I hate it. I have been single for a very long time (I am not counting my one week "relationship" of earlier this year) and I haven't had any vestige of Romance in awhile. While I was dating Robbie I took any chance that I could to do something romantic. One weekend he had ten hours of conference planning a day. So, knowing he would be getting back around ten that saturday night, I made a picnic. I got strawberries and dipped them in chocolate sauce. I made all of his favourite foods. I got a bottle of wine. I actually cooked. I put a blanket out on the floor in the living room, and everything was waiting for him when he got home.

I don't necessarily want to be not single. In fact, I actively don't want to be not single. (check out that double negative.) I am not in a place right now where I can do monogamy on any sort of level. Not with unresolved issues I have with certain people. That pared with the fact that it takes a LOT for me to get over someone make me not suitable to be in a relationship with someone. And I just like too many people right now. But I miss the connection. I want the connection.

I feel kind of like I am stuck in the Damien Rice song "Volcano."
Volcano was not in the list of my favourites of his. Then I saw him in concert. It was one of the most moving and spiritual experiences of my entire life. The way he explained the song, and the way it was performed were so amazing that it made me pay attention to the song. It is now up there with my favourites.

Damien Rice's explanation of the song "Volcano." (Imagine in an adorable Irish Accent.)
"So you know how you meet someone, and you have this immediate connection. You sit there and talk and talk, and they are so wonderful and so great, but SO young. You can tell they want to kiss you, and your body is responding to them in ways that you can't control, but as frustrated as you are and as much as you like her, she is just SO young and you tell her "no, I'm sorry, I can't."

Then later on you meet this woman. She is strong and confident and beautiful. And you connect right away. And you talk and talk, and you just want to kiss her, and by the way she is holding herself you know she just wants to touch you too. But you? You are just SO nice. And she says to you "no, I'm sorry, I can't." "

Lyrics to Volcano under the spoiler.

It is frustrating that so much of my favourite music right now is so intrinsically connected to certain people. Damien Rice. Jory Nash. As much as the music may fit oh so very well to a certain situation happening now, it will always be tied to these people.

Now I am listening to Volcano on repeat instead of Spaz Loves Weezie. I guess my focus shifted. I wish Jory Nash had his stuff on itunes. It would be easier than having to buy it from other random canadian pages. And I have an itunes gift card, so I wouldn't have to pay for it.


And I have another thing to add to my list of things making me reel with frustration. Sometimes I wish I didn't care about people so much. Then their actions wouldn't upset me on anywhere near this level. But I love by my nature, and when I fall in love I fall hard. It is frustrating to have someone communicate with you only to a certain extent. To get what they need out of it, but then back out when it gets too much for them to handle. I didn't bring it up. Now I am just sitting here wondering what they are thinking and why they aren't responding to me. A question was asked of me, and I answered, but that wasn't enough for me. I need a why. I need an answer to my question. I need an actual statement.

I am tired of people halfway telling me what they think and what they feel. I feel like I only sort of know what a bunch of people are thinking and feeling, even though all of these people want us to all be on the same page. People talk in circles so much. Can't you just say what you are going to say?

This post makes me sound like I need so much. I don't. I am more of an "I take what I can get" girl than anything else. No, I don't think that means I am lowering myself in any way, but relationships of any nature are so complicated just by existing. It is possible to feel something without a bunch of promises having to be involved.

And I am just in a mood. I want to take a whole bunch of people by the shoulder and shake them. I want to tell them "I don't know what you think you are doing, but you aren't treating me fairly." I want to talk to someone else as easily as I talk to Robbie. I want to see Stellar. I want to fall asleep next to someone. I want a valentine. I want to add some fire to some old neglected friendships. I want some people to know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.

Being a hopeless romantic does not mean being naive.

I want someone to write a song about me.