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dominanefret

Canada

Member Since 2004

Followers 327 Following 161

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Monday Feb 05, 2007

Feb 5, 2007
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I had decided that I was going to try not to post too often. By that I think I meant that I was going to try not to post every day. People must bore of reading what I have to say all of the time. But my last post was lame and I need to write.

I am sitting here listening to a song on repeat, something I have a tendency to do when I am in this sort of mood. It is a song by a Toronto based folk artist that my ex Robbie introduced me to. Jory Nash. The song is Spaz Loves Weezie, a song written based on a spray paint tag he saw on a rock while driving through Nova Scotia on tour. It is beautiful, melodic, and sad. It isn't sad. Not really. Or at least not completely. It just makes me sad, and for some reason that is what I need right now.


Spaz Loves Weezie.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I've never been the kind to reject a slight
got a lot of love for you now
but I can't, not tonight
I promise I won't fight.
I met her when I was just killing time
got a lot of love for you now
she had the smoothest skin
and the biggest blue green eyes.
Weezie loves me, I know
got to tell her where I go
out on the highway
side of the road
that's my canvas, under the falling snow.
My brother is in trouble out in (obscure canadian town name I can't understand)
He once was a stand up guy,
now he hides when he sleeps at night.
Come back to the house for a medicinal high
got a lot of for you now
it's a sweet indigenous grind
guaranteed to wake up your mind
Weezie loves me, I know
got to tell here where I go
out on the high way, side of the road
that's my canvas, under the falling snow.
And our love is true
and it flows right in to you
he but the stage in sight
that's all mine
Your momma was embarrassed
Your daddy stone blind
Gotta lot of love for you now
My Weezie, she just smiled
Seek love and you shall find
Weezie loves me, I know
got to tell her where I go
out on the high way, side of the road
that's my canvas, under the falling snow.



At 11:15 tonight the phone rang. It was my mothers best friends ex-husband. My mom picked up the phone and said "what's going on? Is Anne okay?"
Then she stood there for awhile, listening, not saying anything, and shaking. When she hung up she broke down in tears. I went to hug her. Her best friend has Leukemia.

My mothers other female best friend died of cancer a year and a half ago. Apparently Anne though will probably be okay. She's going through chemo now, but the prognosis is good. I can still understand the effect this is having on my mother. Just that it's there is so scary. Just the possibility of her dying is horrifying. Imagine losing your two best friends in a period of two years?

I'm an atheist, so I don't pray in any traditional sense. But if you do, will you please pray for Anne?

Minutes after my mother gets off the phone and after I have sat with her for awhile my phone rings. My initial response was to just ignore it. It was probably going to be one of several people, all of whom I talk to all of the time and I can get in touch with later. The plan was just to pick it up, see who it was, and press ignore.

But it was Robbie. And I was so frustrated and so upset and so relieved to see his name on the screen that I answered. And I ended up talking to him for an hour. Just spilling my guts. It frustrates me on a very high level, that after all of this time, and after all of the steps I have made, he is still the only person that I feel really truly comfortable talking to. I know he isn't judging me, and when he disagrees or tells me that I am being dumb, he doesn't do it in a condescending way. He says it in a way that shows me that he really cares. He just sits there and listens and listens and lets me rant out my frustrations without judging me or thinking I am silly for needing to rant. He doesn't say "just get over it" when I tell him something is upsetting me, even if it is something small and silly.

And you know what? I hate it. I hate that the person that I am the closest to in the entire world is untouchable. I hate that people are constantly telling me to get over him and that I shouldn't talk to him and I shouldn't depend on him. I depend on him because he is the only person in my life, so far, that has shown themselves as worth depending on.

I went to see him in October, and I came home thinking "I'm over him! Hoorah!" He came to visit right before my birthday, and it was kind of awkward, but I still felt like I was over him. Over him not meaning "I am not in love with him anymore" but meaning "he is no longer my be all end all."

But now? Now I don't know. Now I have gone back to thinking that I will never again have someone as amazing as him. And although I have met several people who have the potential to be that amazing, they are not interested in relationships with me. And apparently on some level "not interested in a relationship" means "not interested in a friendship" as well. Part of me understand that it is hard to separate the two when there is some amount of feeling or history there, but part of me is very very frustrated. So everyone I meet I still compare to him. While some have reached the status of "as good as," he is still what people are measured by. He is the most incredible person I have ever met in my entire life, and it hurts very very deeply that we don't have any sort of real relationship right now. All we can muster is an hour or three on the phone once a month.

It all makes me think about how Valentines day is coming up. As much as I know that Valentines Day at this point in time is more of a corporate holiday than anything else, I am the type of person who likes to take any excuse that she can to do something special. And this is the first Valentines Day that I will be single since 2001. I feel silly for thinking that, but I hate it. I have been single for a very long time (I am not counting my one week "relationship" of earlier this year) and I haven't had any vestige of Romance in awhile. While I was dating Robbie I took any chance that I could to do something romantic. One weekend he had ten hours of conference planning a day. So, knowing he would be getting back around ten that saturday night, I made a picnic. I got strawberries and dipped them in chocolate sauce. I made all of his favourite foods. I got a bottle of wine. I actually cooked. I put a blanket out on the floor in the living room, and everything was waiting for him when he got home.

I don't necessarily want to be not single. In fact, I actively don't want to be not single. (check out that double negative.) I am not in a place right now where I can do monogamy on any sort of level. Not with unresolved issues I have with certain people. That pared with the fact that it takes a LOT for me to get over someone make me not suitable to be in a relationship with someone. And I just like too many people right now. But I miss the connection. I want the connection.

I feel kind of like I am stuck in the Damien Rice song "Volcano."
Volcano was not in the list of my favourites of his. Then I saw him in concert. It was one of the most moving and spiritual experiences of my entire life. The way he explained the song, and the way it was performed were so amazing that it made me pay attention to the song. It is now up there with my favourites.

Damien Rice's explanation of the song "Volcano." (Imagine in an adorable Irish Accent.)
"So you know how you meet someone, and you have this immediate connection. You sit there and talk and talk, and they are so wonderful and so great, but SO young. You can tell they want to kiss you, and your body is responding to them in ways that you can't control, but as frustrated as you are and as much as you like her, she is just SO young and you tell her "no, I'm sorry, I can't."

Then later on you meet this woman. She is strong and confident and beautiful. And you connect right away. And you talk and talk, and you just want to kiss her, and by the way she is holding herself you know she just wants to touch you too. But you? You are just SO nice. And she says to you "no, I'm sorry, I can't." "

Lyrics to Volcano under the spoiler.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

(male voice)
don't hold yourself like that you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth and back that's all i need
don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea

(female voice)
don't throw yourself like that in front of me
i kissed your mouth your back is that all you need?
don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea

(Male)
what i give to you is just what i'm going through
this is nothing new no no just another phase of finding
what i really need is what makes me bleed
and like a new disease she's still too young to treat

(Both)
volcanoes melt me down
she's still too young
i kissed your mouth
volcanoes melt me down
she's still too young
i kissed your mouth
volcanoes melt me down
she's still too young
i kissed your mouth
volcanoes melt me down
she's still too young
i kissed your mouth

(male)
you do not need me



It is frustrating that so much of my favourite music right now is so intrinsically connected to certain people. Damien Rice. Jory Nash. As much as the music may fit oh so very well to a certain situation happening now, it will always be tied to these people.

Now I am listening to Volcano on repeat instead of Spaz Loves Weezie. I guess my focus shifted. I wish Jory Nash had his stuff on itunes. It would be easier than having to buy it from other random canadian pages. And I have an itunes gift card, so I wouldn't have to pay for it.


And I have another thing to add to my list of things making me reel with frustration. Sometimes I wish I didn't care about people so much. Then their actions wouldn't upset me on anywhere near this level. But I love by my nature, and when I fall in love I fall hard. It is frustrating to have someone communicate with you only to a certain extent. To get what they need out of it, but then back out when it gets too much for them to handle. I didn't bring it up. Now I am just sitting here wondering what they are thinking and why they aren't responding to me. A question was asked of me, and I answered, but that wasn't enough for me. I need a why. I need an answer to my question. I need an actual statement.

I am tired of people halfway telling me what they think and what they feel. I feel like I only sort of know what a bunch of people are thinking and feeling, even though all of these people want us to all be on the same page. People talk in circles so much. Can't you just say what you are going to say?

This post makes me sound like I need so much. I don't. I am more of an "I take what I can get" girl than anything else. No, I don't think that means I am lowering myself in any way, but relationships of any nature are so complicated just by existing. It is possible to feel something without a bunch of promises having to be involved.

And I am just in a mood. I want to take a whole bunch of people by the shoulder and shake them. I want to tell them "I don't know what you think you are doing, but you aren't treating me fairly." I want to talk to someone else as easily as I talk to Robbie. I want to see Stellar. I want to fall asleep next to someone. I want a valentine. I want to add some fire to some old neglected friendships. I want some people to know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.

Being a hopeless romantic does not mean being naive.

I want someone to write a song about me.

VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
perversia:
Hehe!
Feb 6, 2007
nessagirl:
I just discovered Damien Rice's song 9 crimes, and i can understand where you're coming from and obviously i had made a post in reference to actually taking advantage of being close to someone and crossing that line. BUt you know all about that and we have had this converstaion. But the point of this comment is to say that I love Damien Rice's music and am in whole hearted agreement about loving his voice!! love But sweetie how are you? I hope things are getting better for you. Keep your head up!!
Feb 8, 2007

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