dodraibeid

I read the book Jaws this weekend. I read it whenever I feel like punishing myself for having a brain. Its not that the book is bad; its just that Peter Benchley is a bitch. Ive read several of his books, and only one of them didnt leave me wanting to sit in a corner and punch myself in the face repeatedly for seven hours. For those of you who have only seen the movie, dont read the book. The movie is better. Sure, you miss out on some interesting stuff, like you do with any movie that was once a book. But the movie will leave you feeling gratified and entertained, whereas the book will leave you feeling empty and dead inside. And let me tell you why. At the end of the book, the shark is seconds away from eating Brody, the main character. He opens his mouth, and then he dies. Just dies. No explanation, just death. That is why the book sucks. That, and Peter Benchley is a bitch. Now, the movie, on the other hand has Brody stuff an oxygen tank into the sharks mouth and shoot at it, causing the shark to explode into a bazillion tiny pieces. That is because unlike Peter Benchley, who is a bitch, Steven Spielberg is a badass.
And its not the only time Benchleys done this, either. Peter Benchley uses his little bull crap ex machinas more often than Ben uses Kleenex. He did it in Beast, too. This ones about a giant killer squid. First of all, the whole food bites back scenario was done and done well in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Contrary to Benchleys belief, we didnt need to see it rehashed in a crap book about killer calamari. Likewise, we didnt need that stupid alliteration. Secondly, this book ends with the squid seconds away from eating Darling, the main character. He rears back a tentacle, and then he dies. A sperm whale eats him. Whered the sperm whale come from? It came from the machine, thats where. Thats right ladies and gentlemen the worlds first sperm whale ex machina. This rag got made into a movie as well. Only this time, they stayed faithful to the ending. The difference between Beast and Jaws is that Jaws became an instant horror classic. Beast became an instant rental. The reason for this is, of course, that the director of Beast ignored the first rule of monster movies. The first rule of monster movies is, If there are no clear instructions on how to kill the monster like shooting a werewolf with a silver bullet or staking a vampire, you have to blow it up. Period. If high explosives are not involved in the creatures demise, you have failed.
Speaking of failures, Peter Benchley is a bitch. But there was one shining moment in his literary career. He wrote a book called White Shark. His moment came at the end of the book when the monster was chasing the main character around, and ends up getting trapped in a decompression chamber. They put the pressure in the room to full, and then release it all at once. This results in the monster exploding. The ironic part of this is that it will not get made into a movie, as the book was about a human experiment performed by the Nazis during WWII that wakes up and inexplicably starts killing everything when the sub that contained the metal coffin that it was concealed in was raised from the bottom of the ocean fifty years later. And Peter Benchley is a bitch.