dodraibeid

There's a radio show going on... I'm on it. You should listen to it.
91.3 FM in DE, PA and MD, or here everywhere else.

In a few seconds, I'll be reading this. I'm afraid.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a sad day for us here at the Malkuth Madness Network. It is today that we have to announce that, sadly, Attorney General John Ashcroft has retired, leaving us and the rest of the country to live our sinful lives, rife with civil rights. Free speech, medicinal marijuana use, physician assisted suicide, and calico cats will now run rampant in our doomed society. This is especially heartbreaking to us in the business of mocking people. We will miss this buffoon terribly. Fortunatley, he's being replaced with Alberto Gonzalez, an even bigger buffoon who has been Dubya's puppet since 1995, when he was appointed Chief Counsel to the Governer of Texas. Since then, he's been the Texas secretary of state, served on the Texas Supreme Court, and was a top lawyer in the Bush white house.
And wouldn't you know it, no sooner was he appointed than the ACLU jumped all over his ass. Turns out our new boy helped develop a brilliant little opus called the USA PATRIOT Act, something that has provided ample fodder for satirists alarmists alike. And for that, we thank him. But wait, there's more! Remember in 2002, how Bush and Ashcroft decided that the Geneva Convention didn't apply to them and that it was ok to torture prisoners? Guess who told them that? It was Alberto! Yeah. Seems old Al thinks the Geneva Convention is "outdated" and "quaint". Please, pay attention to this. This man thinks the rules of war need to be reconsidered. According to Alberto, they need to be revised to include torture! In 1998, he helped Bush to murder many of the people he killed with the death penalty, and was pretty visible during the fiasco that ensued when the state killed the first woman that Texas had killed in over 100 years, Karla Faye Tucker. Remember her? The tweaked out druggie that murdered two people, went into jail, cleaned up, found God, got married and started helping with the prison's rehab and counseling programs? The one that, even though she was going to die, helped dozens of prisoners get off drugs so they at least had a shot when they got out of prison? He helped to kill her.
I could go on about his "achievements", but I'll leave off there. Type his name into Google. There's plenty of stuff to freak out about. Bush is using congress and the American people's view of Ashcroft to bring in a deranged lunatic who is no better- NO BETTER, than Saddam Hussein. At least with Ashcroft we had the somewhat whimsicle and mockable "thinks calico cats are signs of the devil" brand of crazy. Gonzalez is more the "hateful, dangerous, and frightening" kind.
However, Bush is playing on our "Anybody But Ashcroft" mentality to push this guy through. And we're welcoming him with open arms. Democratic Senator from New York, Charles Schumer, who is a member of the Judiciary commitee, said, "We will have to review his record very carefully, but I can tell you already that he's a better candidate than John Ashcroft.
In a speech when he was appointed, Gonzalez said "I will work hard to build upon [Ashcroft's] record." Remember that song they taught you when you were little? "The foolish man built his house upon the sand?" Remember what happened? "The walls came tumbling down."