I have been on a journey of great discovery. Sit, hear my tale. I came upon an object of great power. The Magic Blueball. Behold.
The Magic Blueball came into my posession by way of a powerful dark wizard called Bill Gates. He gave it to me to promote a spell that he wrote called Windows XP Service Pack 2. The Magic Blueball could answer any question posed to it. I held it in my hand, and decided to test it's power. You see, the wizard was not exactly known for casting spells that work all the time. So I held it in my hand, and spoke "Magnificent Blueball, am I wearing shoes?" I looked into the ball, and from the black ink of prophecy, the oracle responded,
It was correct! I tried again, "Oh, powerful Blueball. Do I like my job? Again the oracle rose from the depths to reply,
Correct again! I needed to possess this power. I asked the Blueball, "O, great and wise Blueball, please show me the source of your power. The oracle rose from the blackest pits of mystery. It read "Fuck off." In a sudden fit of rage, I smacked the Blueball against the table. And it felt good.
I began to smack it against the table with a fury usually reserved for the heads of Republicans. I yelled at it. How about THAT, bitch??" Again, the oracle rose from within,
I noticed, in the middle, the tiniest crack on the side of the ball. Ah-ha! I thought If it won't give the secret of it's power to me, I'll just TAKE it! I went to get a knife. I stuck the knife in the crack, and began to wedge it open.
Harder and harder I pushed, to no avail. I decided to hack it open from the seam on the side. It's power would be MINE!
Finally, after hours of hacking at the Blueball, I hear the unmistakable snap of magic about to be revealed. With the determination of an ape with Downs Syndrome, I tore into the shell of the Blueball. Soon, I was able to glimpse the object of my desire.
I was getting ever closer. I began to peel away that which was obstructing my way to enlightenment with renewed desire. Soon, I was even closer than ever before.
My heartbeat quickened with the knowledge that I would soon be more powerful than I cold have previously imagined. As the adrenaline pumped through my veins, I felt a strength that no man, woman or child has ever known. I was powerful enough to tear down stone pillars and toss traincars as though they were medium-sized rocks. But I was single minded. All that mattered was the power of the Blueball. With one final, vicious effort, I ripped the remainder of the shell away. And there it was. The infallible power of prophecy, within my grasp. I reached for my prize...
As I lifted the prophecy matrix from it's home and examined it, I decided that I would excersize my new power. "ORACLE!" I demanded, "TELL ME! DO I HAVE A GREEN WANG?" I gazed into it.
"YES", it read. Frightened, I looked at my wang. No, it was still flesh colored. The oracle was WRONG! This was not magic! This was pure chance! What bullshit! Disgusted, I threw the 'oracle' which amounted to little more than a white thing floating in a bunch of blue water, down on the table. Then I flipped it off.
Fuck Bill Gates and his pathetic excuse for magic. I'll bet XP SP2 sucks, too. But I don't know. I don't trust that fucker enough to download it.
THE END
The Magic Blueball came into my posession by way of a powerful dark wizard called Bill Gates. He gave it to me to promote a spell that he wrote called Windows XP Service Pack 2. The Magic Blueball could answer any question posed to it. I held it in my hand, and decided to test it's power. You see, the wizard was not exactly known for casting spells that work all the time. So I held it in my hand, and spoke "Magnificent Blueball, am I wearing shoes?" I looked into the ball, and from the black ink of prophecy, the oracle responded,
It was correct! I tried again, "Oh, powerful Blueball. Do I like my job? Again the oracle rose from the depths to reply,
Correct again! I needed to possess this power. I asked the Blueball, "O, great and wise Blueball, please show me the source of your power. The oracle rose from the blackest pits of mystery. It read "Fuck off." In a sudden fit of rage, I smacked the Blueball against the table. And it felt good.
I began to smack it against the table with a fury usually reserved for the heads of Republicans. I yelled at it. How about THAT, bitch??" Again, the oracle rose from within,
I noticed, in the middle, the tiniest crack on the side of the ball. Ah-ha! I thought If it won't give the secret of it's power to me, I'll just TAKE it! I went to get a knife. I stuck the knife in the crack, and began to wedge it open.
Harder and harder I pushed, to no avail. I decided to hack it open from the seam on the side. It's power would be MINE!
Finally, after hours of hacking at the Blueball, I hear the unmistakable snap of magic about to be revealed. With the determination of an ape with Downs Syndrome, I tore into the shell of the Blueball. Soon, I was able to glimpse the object of my desire.
I was getting ever closer. I began to peel away that which was obstructing my way to enlightenment with renewed desire. Soon, I was even closer than ever before.
My heartbeat quickened with the knowledge that I would soon be more powerful than I cold have previously imagined. As the adrenaline pumped through my veins, I felt a strength that no man, woman or child has ever known. I was powerful enough to tear down stone pillars and toss traincars as though they were medium-sized rocks. But I was single minded. All that mattered was the power of the Blueball. With one final, vicious effort, I ripped the remainder of the shell away. And there it was. The infallible power of prophecy, within my grasp. I reached for my prize...
As I lifted the prophecy matrix from it's home and examined it, I decided that I would excersize my new power. "ORACLE!" I demanded, "TELL ME! DO I HAVE A GREEN WANG?" I gazed into it.
"YES", it read. Frightened, I looked at my wang. No, it was still flesh colored. The oracle was WRONG! This was not magic! This was pure chance! What bullshit! Disgusted, I threw the 'oracle' which amounted to little more than a white thing floating in a bunch of blue water, down on the table. Then I flipped it off.
Fuck Bill Gates and his pathetic excuse for magic. I'll bet XP SP2 sucks, too. But I don't know. I don't trust that fucker enough to download it.
THE END
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
coliwali:
Fucking Brilliant!
catherinewheel69:
Godsmoker told me to say hi so I am. Boondock Saints is one of the greatest movies and I don't know many people who know that, so good choice! Dead Milkmen, kick ass! 