doctashock

Wow, this is the first night I've been home before 2:00am since.... well, I don't really remember. I guess I had fun though, I just haven't been able to get anything done, like that pesky finding a place to live thing.

Clock is ticking... what am I gonna do. Whatever, I'm not really worried about it. I can find places to stay, I just need to pack my shit and get it out of this place.

And now for anyone who has been waiting...

The biggest complaint that she used to have about me was that I treated her too much like a girl. She was so independent. She didn't need me for anything, but I wanted to give her all that I possibly could.

I guess I've got this old-fashioned sense of shivalry engrained in me from being raised strcitly by women. She hated it when I would pay her way for anything. She didn't want me to hold open doors for her, she didn't want me to offer her my jacket, she didn't want me to brush her hair off of her face, she didn't want me to look at her the way I had a tendency to do, she didn't want to have to break my heart.

But yet neither one of us could deny that we had a connection, a bond that went far deeper than it should have. After all our whole relationship only lasted a little under a full year. But from the time that we met, the first time she looked me in the eye and bared her soul to me, we both knew something was there. She said I met her at a very strange time in her life, and she reached out to me because she felt the same connection I did.

I guess I'm too naive to name it, but I know that she inspired me artistically more than anyone else I've ever met. She made me want to get up off of my ass and create something. I wrote for her, I sang for her, I danced for her, I even cried for her, and all I asked in return was that she continue to grace me with her presence.

But I could never tell her that I loved her. Not that it wouldn't have been easy, it just wouldn't be fair. I could never put her in that position. The problem was, my eyes could never ever keep their cool.

"Why can't you just treat me like all of your other friends?"
"I don't treat you any differently."
"Yes you do, if you treated your best friend the way you treat me everyone would think you were gay."
"But your a girl."
"No I can't be, not to you. If we're gonna be friends you have to forget the fact that I'm a female."
"Are you listening to yourself?"
"Jermaine, I'm an extremely monogamous person, I don't even like to look at other guys, but you just make me uncomfortable."
"Then why do we spend so much time alone together?"
"Because I want to be with you as a friend, but we can't be friends if this is how it's going to be."
"What are you talking about? You act as if I'm putting pressure on you to do something you don't want to do."
"You know very well that you don't have to say it for me to know what's going on."

As much as I tried to defend myself I knew she was right. That's what drew us together in the first place. The fact that we could tell exactly what each other was thinking without ever saying it. I tried ever so hard not to make it come to that, but I couldn't hide anything from her.

I got the feeling that this type of thing happened to her all the time. She said herself that she had a history of having to cut off her male friends, but she couldn't bring herself to burn me, and in the end I think it only hurt me worse.

I'm ruined now of course. Every girl I see reminds me of her. I constantly compare my relationships to the one she and I had. I know from past experience that every time you fall in love you think it will be the last time, but it's been longer now since I've last seen her than the whole time that she and I were acquainted and I still can't get her out of my head.

Maybe I just need to get out more. Maybe I should quit being such a hopeless romantic. Maybe I'm just completely fucked in the first place and never even knew it. But I believe that it's quite possible that Leah Cheatham has ruined my life.

So as unfair as it may be, I now will say that I was in love with you Leah, and in many ways, I fucking still am. I wish I knew where you are sometimes just so I can bask in your benevolent glow once again, but I know that the best thing for me is to probably never see you again. And that only makes the pain that much sharper.

I don't know what else to say, so I'll just shut up. Maybe I just need to go get laid, but I don't think I really have the heart.

:quickly hits submit button before having second thoughts: