doctashock

Now accepting applications:

I may or may not go to this party on Friday and I may or may not want to take a date. This is just a one time deal and by responding to this ad you are in no way obligating yourself to further commitments with one doctashock.

Event will be optional black tie with open bar and a Mardi Gras theme. While I'm not so concerned with looks, applicant must not have any prior self-image issues as many of the women in attendance will be of highly maintained model/actress ilk and my relationships with some of them have been known to cause issues in the past.

ANyway, I'm debating whether or not I really want to go, but if anyone is interested in hanging out and drinking some booze with a couple friends of mine and other acquaintences than let me know.

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[emo rant of the day] Having a bit of a self-worth complex lately as certain things are starting to get to me. It just feels like noone is noticing what I have to offer lately and a lot of my efforts are unappreciated. This is especially frustrating considering how out of my way I go to do things sometimes with the limited resources I have. My thing is, I don't always know when I;m overextending myself until it's too late and then nothing I do is really of any consequence because I can't give individual projects the effort they require.

Work-wise, relationship-wise, and just in genral my life seems to be slamming up against a brick wall right now. It would be so much easier if someone would just tell me that I'm not good enough and that I should give up or give-in. Then I could just turn around and go do something else. My dad still won't have a conversation with me without mentioning all the things he would give me if I left Los Angeles. Of course he could still help me out here, but he refuses to do things unless they're done his way (I wonder how much of that trait I inherited sometimes).

The other day he was talking to me about switching his own career and it was then that I realized how hard it must be to get to that point in your life and still not have gone after any of your real dreams. Not sure how that affects his attitude towards what I want to do, but everytime I turn around he wants me to build something together with him instead of doing things for my own life. It's frustrating to say the least.

This week is gonna be a rough one for sure. Quite honestly I'm not sure if I'll still be around in a few months. I might have to give up on this whole mission altogether. It's sad because ultimately I'm a lot happier than I was in Toledo, but I have to eat and it's looking more and more like I'm going to have to give up a part of my soul in order to do that.

I don't know, it hurts, but rambling on isn't getting me closer to any answers so... [/end emo rantof the day]